Road Apples
Aug. 11, 2008

The book of Lamentations revisited

By Tim Sanders

1 And across the land the chariots stood still, and the horses ran not, for want of sustenance. And the people were wroth. And they cried unto their Elders in the great city of Washington, and complained with a loud voice saying: "Wherefore dost thou recess thyselves whilst thy people go afoot? For verily we canst not transport our maidservants, nor our manservants, nor our offspring, the fruit of our loins!"

2 But the elders answered not, for they hadst gone every one to pleasure himself; some unto the Isle of Bimini, and some unto Catalina. And yet others sought pleasure in their own districts and went a-whoring there, for they stood not for re-election that year.

3 But the Almighty heard his people and their cries, and sent unto them T. Boone of Pickens, who ate locusts and wild honey. And T. Boone was an old and hairy man anointed with much oil. And there was murmuring amongst the children of the West, and they said: "He is an oily man, therefore we trust him not!" But times were tough, and there was much gnashing of teeth and pedaling of bicycles, and so the children of the West didst stifle themselves and went straightaway into their own homes to watch CNN and learn thereof.

4 And T. Boone stood atop the Cable Mount and beheld a great multitude before him. And beside him stood a mighty king, whose name was Larry. And Larry the King adjusted his suspenders and spake unto the multitude, and said unto them: "Hearken unto T. Boone, for he hath himself a plan, and will reveal it in the fullness of time, after this word from our sponsors."

5 So the multitudes went every one into his own privy to relieve himself. And the sponsors’ words went unheeded, which was just as well, and affecteth not the outcome of this epistle.

6 And there were in the same country two men, and both sought to become princes thereof. And one was Barack of Obama, out of the house of Jeremiah the Loon, of the lineage of Farrakhan the Ishmaelite who didst bait race. And Barack was full of youth and vigor, and possessed much alternative energy. And great crowds followed him where’er he went, and the scribes lay their press passes at his feet. And when he called for change, many didst render unto Barack that which was Barack’s and give him all the change that they had. And some who had not change wrote checks. And he blessed them and didst fill his coffers.

7 And there came behind him John of McCain, who wast an old warrior, and ancient of days, out of the Arid Zone. And he had taken unto him a woman from the house of Anheuser, whose vessels were full of beer, and so he prospered. And John also had his followers, who praised his mighty deeds and his hair, which was white and had no nap.

8 And Barack’s mouth was full of words, and John’s was full of dentures, and the people took note. And both sought to tread where Franklin Delano Roosevelt and John Fitzgerald Kennedy and Richard Milhous Nixon had trod. Yet Barack’s scribes in the press said "Call him not Hussein, for it remindeth the unwashed of Saddam who wast a Muslim." And John heard, and took heed, and said unto his disciples, "Call me not Sidney, for it remindeth the unwashed of Tom Sawyer’s younger brother, who wast a weasel." And there was much rejoicing.

9 And the two captains made haste to gather their armies together; John in the city which bore the name of St. Paul the Apostle, and Barack at the city which bore the name of St. Bob the Denver. But the children of the West said unto them: "Worry not about thy middle names, nor our trade deficit with China, and ponder not capital gains taxes. Give unto us sustenance for our horses so that we may move freely and travel, yea even unto the holy land of Florida where great multitudes go to wait for God." And words issued forth from Barack’s mouth, and John’s dentures clattered.

10 But the children of the West were much afflicted. And they cried out: "Lord, thou hast visited us with nine plagues, which wert: great floods, fearsome whirlwinds, earthquakes, fires, ringworm, psoriasis, telemarketers, Paris Hilton, and one other which we remembereth not. And now number ten, which our fathers foretold in ages past, is verily the worst–our horses have not wherewith to eat, and they move not. And we art stuck here in our villages, sitting on our asses, going nowhere." And they rent their clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes.

11 So there arose amongst the children of the West a prophet called Albert the Lesser, he who had been an underling to Prince Bubba, and his visions were apocalyptic. And Albert, of the tribe of Gore, out of the village of Nash, was he who had in times past singed his brow trying to burn a Bush in Tallahassee. And God had spoken unto him and said "Albert, come hither!" And Albert came thither. And the Almighty took from him his mantle of leadership and instead gave him words to speak unto his countrymen.

12 And Albert spake unto them thusly: "YET FORTY DAYS AND GOD SHALL DESTROY NINEVEH!" And his words perplexed them, for they said: "We art in Cleveland."

13 But Albert said that it was his prophecy, and he wouldst sticketh to it. And he prophesied that the elements would burn with a fervent heat, and the ice caps would melt, and the polar bears would drop like flies, and the seas would rise up, and the great temples would smell of fish.

14 So he told the children of the West to repent, install solar panels, sell their mighty horses, hitch up their pygmy goats, and mount wind turbines on their chariots. And when they asked wherefore had he yet kept his own stables filled with Clydesdales and plenteous feed, and wherefore wast his massive palace in the village of Nash lit with a thousand oil lamps, Albert the Good showed unto them his gifts of gold, frankincense, and Oscar, and verily his carbon credits. And they saw it all, and heard it all, and rose up, and smote him hip and thigh. And he was stoned in the marketplace.

15 And when word of it came unto Barack, he said he’d been stoned in the marketplace himself, once or twice.

16 And the people cast about, for to lay blame. And some blamed the Ishmaelites, who wore tablecloths on their heads and extorted exorbitant high prices for barrels of oats and barley while their camels grew fat. And others blamed grain speculators and merchants who profited much from the people’s woes. And yet others cast blame upon the carriage makers in the city of Detroit, and said: "Look what thou hast wrought! Give unto us compact carriages which we may propel with gerbils on wheels, for they require little sustenance!"

17 And Barack said "Let us open wide our grain reserves, and let us harness the wind." And though there was much wind in his camp, it profited him not. And John said, "Let us drill for oats and barley in the sea, and on land, but let us drill not in the Arctic, which is holy ground." So the people murmured. And T. Boone of Pickens prophesied and said "Of wind and steam and holes in the ground, Congress knoweth much. Let us therefore transfer not our wealth, so that future generations will not curse our names." And there was confusion across the land, for the children of the West trusted them not.

18 And it was in the 140th year of Larry the King, who had many horses and wives, and could afford oats for them all. And Larry the King snapped his suspenders and proclaimed: "The grass withereth, and mighty princes also rise and fall, but the broadcast media endureth forever." And it was so.