Road Apples
Aug. 18, 2008

Revealing the truth behind the headlines

By Tim Sanders

If you’re one of those misguided souls who thinks he can get a handle on current events by simply scanning Internet headlines, then you should rethink your strategy. Nowadays headlines are often misleading, and that is not good–especially for lazy humorists who’d rather scan a headline than read an entire 2,000 word news article.

For example, how many of you read the following headline and had, at least for a brief moment, some hope that maybe this year your Auburn Tigers would have a shot at the Southeastern Conference title?

"RUSSIANS INVADE GEORGIA"

I lived in Atlanta for a few years in the early ‘70s. Georgia was as good a state as any, by and large, and I certainly wouldn’t want the Russians to invade it. But I’m an Auburn alumnus. And being an Auburn alumnus, I’m also the kind of guy who looks for the silver lining in every dark cloud. I’ll admit that for a second or two my heart beat just a little faster. I had visions of Russian tanks rolling into Sanford stadium in Athens, crushing the hedges, digging up the turf, and laying waste to row after row of stadium seats. Of course my elation was short-lived. I read on and discovered that the Georgia that the Russians were invading was only the Republic of Georgia, that Eastern European country just south of Russia, which declared its independence when the Soviet Union dissolved in 1991. That particular Georgia doesn’t even have a football team.

The point is that had I not read the entire newspaper article, I might well have gone off half-cocked and written one of the stupidest columns I’ve ever written (which would cover a whole lot of territory).

Here is another headline which captured my attention:

"DEPUTY MAYOR KILLED IN WILD MONKEY ATTACK"

Now here was a headline which seemed to hold a great deal of promise. It had everything a headline should have: a politician, wild monkeys, and gratuitous violence. Granted, my personal preference would have been a headline announcing that a congressman, or at the very least a lieutenant governor, had been attacked by wild monkeys, but a skilled humorist should be able to make do with deputy mayors if that’s all he can get. Unfortunately, when I forged ahead and read the article, it turned out that the incident wasn’t even current. It had happened nearly a year ago, on October 21, 2007. And it wasn’t an American deputy mayor who fell off his terrace and landed on his head while fighting off those wild monkeys. No, the deputy mayor who was sent to his reward was some poor fellow in Delhi, India, named S S Bajwa. Given the vast numbers of wild monkeys running loose in India, there’s very little news and hardly any humor there. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised to learn that fourteen or fifteen deputy mayors are attacked by roving bands of wild monkeys every single day in India. Had the incident occurred in Detroit or Cleveland, I might have been able to salvage something from it. I think the story would have provided an excellent moral lesson about the unexpected calamities which can befall individuals who decide against honest employment and instead pursue political careers.

Here’s another headline:

"MAN TRIES TO ROB VIDEO STORE WITH AN EMPTY JELL-O BOX"

I researched that headline. It referred to an August 7, 2008 article in the Charleston Gazette. A 43-year-old fellow named Paul E. Parrish II walked into a Movie Gallery armed with an empty Jell-O box and demanded money. The clerk was not impressed and refused, so Mr. Parrish simply left. He was picked up by police shortly thereafter. There was no explanation as to what possessed Mr. Parrish to attempt armed robbery with a Jell-O box. What would he have done if the clerk had reached under that counter and confronted him with a box of Mrs. Paul’s Frozen Fish Sticks? Those things can be lethal a close range. Or what if a plainclothes cop had approached from behind, whipped out one of those high caliber 5 lb. jars of Kraft Mohawk Valley Limburger Cheese (the most powerful food substance in the world) and growled "Feel lucky, punk?" But that journalist didn’t ask those critical questions. Nor did he explain why this latter-day Dillinger didn’t check to make sure his Jell-O box was loaded before attempting his heist. Again, the headline promised more than the news story delivered.

I did find one headline which I was sure would produce a fascinating, informative column:

"WOMAN SELLS HOUSE TO BUY FIVE CLONED BOOGERS"

The headline did not make a bit of sense, so naturally I was forced to read the article to learn about this insane woman and her very expensive cloned boogers. As it turned out, according to an August 6 Reuters article, a) the woman was from California, so b) by California standards she was not insane at all, only very caring and sensitive, and c) the five boogers she paid $50,000 to have cloned were not of the nasal variety, but simply namesakes of her dearly departed pit bull.

57-year-old Bernann McKinney sold her house so that she could afford the $50,000 required for RNL, a South Korean biotech firm, to clone her late pit bull "Booger." Naturally, the names of all five of those very expensive pit bull puppies include the word "Booger." Remember "Snots" in the Chevy Chase movie, "Christmas Vacation?" Yeah, he was only a Rottweiler, but if cousin Eddie could have afforded it, he might well have cloned five little Snots, all just as cuddly as the original. You know, to guard his RV.

I guess Ms. McKinney is now a homeless person with five pit bulls. That should make renting an apartment an easy task.

I ran across one more headline, this one dated August 11, 2008:

"ACTIVISTS GLUE THEMSELVES TO REVOLVING DOORS"

It seems to have a lot of potential. It has activists, revolving doors, and glue. You can research that one if you want to, I just don’t have the stamina. Besides, there’s probably much less there than meets the eye.