Road Apples
Aug. 24, 2009

WARNING: This is not a shameless product endorsement

By Tim Sanders

Over the years I’ve been convinced that enunciation isn’t what it used to be. By which I don’t mean mine, I mean everybody else’s. People mumble on TV, they mumble on the phone, and they mumble around the house. Just the other day, for example, I was in the kitchen, and my wife called from the den asking me to bring her some ice water. I obeyed. When I handed her the glass, she looked at me as though I had a rutabaga growing out of my nose.


“What am I supposed to do with that?” she asked. “Drown him?”

“Drown who?” I queried.

“The fly.”

“What fly?”

“I swear, you’re as deaf as a post,” she said.

“Hey, you asked for ice water, and I brought you ice water!”
“What I asked for was a FLYSWATTER, not ice water! You’ve simply got to do something about your hearing!”

“And you’ve got to do something about your mumbling,” I replied. “I know you can speak clearly when you want to.”

I’ll have to admit that my hearing isn’t what it used to be. About a year ago I went to my family doctor to have my ears inspected. I thought that perhaps there was something stuck way down deep inside my ear canals, in the root system near where they connect to the brain stem. He looked into my ears with one of those little scopes, then flushed them out with warm Pine-Sol and Drano. Then he had me hold a piece of white cardboard over my left ear while he looked into my right ear, and repeated the procedure from the other side. “I’ve looked into your head from both sides,” he said, “and there’s absolutely nothing in there.” I didn’t know whether to be relieved or worried.

I’ve considered the hearing aid option, but they are very expensive items. I remember how my late father-in-law used to look at his hearing aids and snort: “Two bucks worth of wire and fifty cents worth of plastic! They could sell ‘em for fifteen bucks apiece and make a profit.” I’d always been a little skeptical of his cost analysis, but recent experience has proven his point.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a local drug store and bought one of those Loud ‘N Clear hearing devices that’s advertised on TV. Here’s a little product review for those of you who’ve noticed that people are mumbling a lot more than they used to, and would like to correct the problem:


COST - Your regular hearing aids, carefully manufactured by trained professionals and fitted to your own, personal ears, will cost you one or two thousand dollars, possibly more, depending on how many ears you have. The Loud ‘N Clear device costs $14.95.
FEATURES - The Loud ‘N Clear device has an on/off and volume control, and the wearer can make it squeal just as loudly as the more expensive models. It also has a flexible ear piece which allows you to clamp it to your ear, and an “Ear Bud,” which is a little soft plastic thing that fits into your ear canal. Again, only $14.95.

ADDITIONAL FEATURES - Many people with hearing loss complain that they are distracted by background noise during normal conversation. I can personally attest to the fact that the Loud ‘N Clear device functions just like the more expensive models, in that it enables you to hear those distracting background noises much more clearly. Believe me, it will allow you to hear your refrigerator running two rooms away, and to hear the cat, Old Sandpaper Tongue, out on the deck, hind leg poised in that attractive skyward position, polishing her butt. In fact, if you turn it to full volume, you’ll hear various personal bodily functions (heartbeats, stomach gurgles, wheezes) at a decibel level which will convince you that you’re about to explode. It will open up a whole new world to you. For $14.95.

WARNINGS - The instructions actually warn users to never disconnect the Ear Bud from the amplifier and insert it alone into the ear, as it may prove difficult to remove. There is no warning about inserting the amplification device into other bodily orifices, but I’m sure that soon consumers will do just that, requiring the Loud ‘N Clear people to add another warning. $14.95 is a small price to pay for a moron-proof product.
APPEARANCE - I am told that this device resembles a bluetooth, but I’ve never had blueteeth, so I can’t confirm that. When I look at my Loud ‘N Clear in the mirror, it looks like a gray, plastic clothespin strapped to my ear. It looks goofy, but on the other hand it’s fairly comfortable, and if you are my age, you don’t really care if you look goofy anymore. I intend to get another one, to sort of balance things out and keep my head from tilting to one side. Hey, at $14.95 I can afford it.

EXPLANATORY NOTE - The instructions are careful to point out that the Loud ‘N Clear is a Personal Sound Amplifier, and while YES, it will aid your ability to hear, NO, it is not a hearing aid. Did I mention, however, that whatever you want to call it, it only costs $14.95?


To summarize, this product may not be a hearing aid, but it aids my hearing. I have not yet disconnected the Ear Bud and inserted it deep into my ear canal, but I’m sure I will. I can use a pencil. The device squeals like the more expensive kinds, allows me to hear gnats fluttering around the neighbor’s porch light, and proves my late father-in-law’s contention that a company could sell a hearing aid for fifteen bucks and still make a tidy profit. If you’re worried that the Loud ‘N Clear won’t be durable, you can buy yourself 100 of them for the price of one of the expensive models, and they’ll last you until death do you part.
And if your wife buries you with your Loud ‘N Clear at full volume, you’ll still be able to hear her as she stands at your graveside, repeatedly enunciating that little word which always meant so much to both of you: “FLYSWATTER, FLYSWATTER!”