Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Aug. 29, 2011

Goodbye August, hello September

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August is swiftly drawing to a close, just as it always does around this time of the year. And before we go on to this week’s topic, which is Special September Holidays Invented by People with Way too Much Time on Their Hands, there are a couple of August issues we need to address:

• On August 16, Republican Presidential Candidate Michelle Bachmann wished the late Elvis Presley a happy birthday during a South Carolina campaign stop. It was a kind and gracious thing to do, but since August 16 was the anniversary of Elvis’s death, not his birth, she received a lot of harsh criticism from weepy Elvis fans across the country. As one notable Washington insider asked: “How can a person run for president when she doesn’t even know the two most important dates in our nation’s history; the King’s birthday and the day he left us?” How indeed! I believe Mr. Biden had a valid point, there.

Granted, most of the complaints about the Bachmann faux pas came from people who don’t know the exact dates of Washington’s or Lincoln’s birthday, but those dates are unimportant. They do know that, according to the federal Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1971, all of the U.S. presidents were officially born on the third Monday of February, in a wide variety of respective years. That is all they need to know.

To her credit, Michelle at least knew that something or other had happened to Elvis Presley on August 16. But as much as I admire her, and as much as I may agree with her politically, she needs to have her staff research Elvis if she want to run a successful campaign. Toward that end, here is a helpful multiple choice Elvis sentence for her to study and complete:


Q: Elvis died _______________

1. on August 16, 1977.

2. on the third Monday in August, according to the federal Uniform Monday Holiday Act.

3. on the toilet.

4. due to runaway inflation caused by excessive economic stimulation and too many deep fried Hostess Twinkies.


• On August 29, 1885, Gottlieb Daimler patented the first internal combustion motorcycle, the Reitwagen. There had been a few steam motorcycles invented earlier in Europe, but they did not catch on due to the painful effects of steam billowing out of that little engine between the rider’s legs, which only allowed him to ride for a few seconds before leaping from his motorcycle, slapping his thighs, and screaming bad words in French. Daimler, however, was German, and decided to invent a real, gasoline-powered motorcycle so that his riders would not have to learn to scream bad words in French. I’ve seen photos of the Daimler machine, and with its outrigger wheels it looks a lot like a lawn mover my dad once put together using angle iron and, possibly, the exact same Daimler motor. The original motorcycle had a 264 cc air cooled, four stroke engine which provided half a horsepower , a wooden frame, no front brakes, no suspension, iron over wood rim wheels with wooden spokes, and a single speed, belt drive transmission. This lightning bolt would do an honest 7 mph on the straightaway and, much like my dad’s lawn mower, was often passed by small children on tricycles. Regardless, it was the very first gas-powered motorcycle, and without it there’d have been no Harley Davidsons, Hendersons, Triumphs, Nortons, BSAs, Hondas, Kawasakis and so on. And ex-motorcyclists like me would have no tall tales to tell.


So now on to September holidays.


• SEPTEMBER 1 is universally recognized as Emma M. Nutt Day. Emma became the first female telephone operator on September 1, 1878. She worked at the switchboard for the Boston Telephone Dispatch Company for 33 years, and coined the popular lines: “Please to remain on the line, as your call is very important to us. Meanwhile we have music, Please to enjoy.” Not surprisingly, Ms. Nutt was born in Calcutta.


• Although SEPTEMBER 6 is officially National Fight Procrastination Day, most people wait until September 8 or 9 to celebrate it. Or later, if something comes up.
 

• SEPTEMBER 13 is National Fight Superstition Day. This little known holiday was first celebrated last year by a small but hardy band of 124 Milledgeville, Georgia residents who all got together, opened umbrellas and broke mirrors in a room full of black cats. All but one of them have tragically passed away, and he has called off the celebration this year due to the pox.


• SEPTEMBER 21 is celebrated as National Pyramid of Corn Cobs Day in Peru, Indiana. Peru (pronounced PEE-roo) is the county seat of Miami County, Indiana, and is known as the Nation’s Corn Cob Capital. According to local residents, September 21 was chosen to celebrate the yearly construction of the huge 180 ft. Cob Pyramid because “all the other dates were already taken.”


• SEPTEMBER 24 is celebrated as Let’s All Go Looney Day in Terlingua, Texas due to the fact that former NFL player and legendary eccentric Joe Don Looney died there on that date in 1988. Looney was known for a successful career at the University of Oklahoma before getting kicked off that team for punching out an assistant coach. Looney lived up to his name in the NFL. In Detroit he told coach Harry Gilmer, who asked him to carry in a play to the quarterback, “If you want a messenger boy, call Western Union.” He was later traded to the Redskins, where his main highlight involved decking an oncoming pass rusher with a right hook. According to Wikipedia, Looney “would often intentionally run the wrong way on plays in practice in order to make things more challenging for himself. He once skipped several practices. When questioned about his absences, he responded by saying ‘if practice makes perfect and perfection is impossible, why practice?’” He retired after the 1969 season, moved to India, converted to Hinduism, and worked as an elephant boy to teach himself humility. Looney died when his motorcycle ran off the road and crashed into a fence in Terlingua, Texas. He was on the motorcycle at the time.


Sometime in October we will try to mention Halloween, which from now on will be celebrated every third Monday of that month if the feds have anything to do with it.