Road Apples
Sept. 1, 2008

Words to live by ... or not, as the case may be

By Tim Sanders

Our nation has just survived four days of the most excruciating tedium we could possibly imagine–the Democratic National Convention in Colorado. Now, hot on the heels of the Democrats come the Republicans, who are convening themselves in Minnesota. I firmly believe that if they apply themselves, the Republicans will be able to generate every bit as much wind as the Democrats. But the pundits all agree that the hordes of Republican delegates gathered in St. Paul’s Xcel Energy Center with their silly hats and goofy signs will be much different from last week’s hordes of Democratic delegates gathered in Denver’s Pepsi Center with their silly hats and goofy signs. In the same way that a carnival crowd differs from a circus crowd, I suppose.

Lord, give us strength.

So, given all the political cotton candy on which we’ve been feasting for the past two-years, I think it’s about time that I furnish my readers with a point by point analysis of my own political perspective. This week I will comment on the economy, and next week I will move on to foreign policy. In following weeks I’ll cover health care, the environment, and public education. By November, when I’ve finished laying out my political philosophy in a series of lucid, informative columns, you’ll know exactly who to vote for.

NO, WAIT! COME BACK, I WAS ONLY KIDDING.

Instead of offering a political diatribe, let me ask three questions. Are you tired of wasting your time listening to candidates spew vague platitudes? Do you strongly suspect that these guys are doing their very best to avoid clear, concise statements because they are afraid that if they actually get SPECIFIC, listeners will find reasons to suspect that they might, just possibly, be lying weasels? Do you feel that the only difference between a used car salesman and a political candidate is ... well, at least with a used car salesman sometimes you get a car? If you jumped to your feet and shouted YES to those questions, then perhaps it would be a good idea if you didn’t read your paper in the doctor’s waiting room anymore.

So whether you are a Republican, a Democrat, an Independent, or an escaped felon preparing to vote for the first time, here are some words and phrases which, once you memorize them and incorporate them into your everyday conversations, will eliminate the need for you to ever again listen to a single, solitary political speech:


MENDING FENCES: "Momma put the Buick in reverse instead of first gear, and so now me and Leon we been mending fences all day."

GREEN and EMPOWERED: "I told her she needed her one of them little green cars, the ones empowered by electricity which I knew for a fact didn’t have the horsepower to run through two chain link fences and a concrete bird bath. She said she don’t like green, which is why she had Daddy paint the Buick red last year. Red is her favorite color."

BIG TENT: "Last month at the Bunspackler family reunion Momma wore a dress which was more like a big tent. A big, red tent."

VISION FOR THE FUTURE: "And if you missed seeing Momma in her tent you need to go see the eye doctor so maybe he can save what’s left of your vision for the future."

FLIP-FLOP: "That reunion was when Momma lost her flip-flop in the cow pasture."

IT’S TIME FOR A CHANGE: "Irene she picked up little Darryl, sniffed his behind and said ‘it’s time for a change.’"

BRINGING PEOPLE TOGETHER: "Them Bunspacklers is always bringing people together first for one thing and then another. You know, any excuse for a covered dish dinner. They always have lots of squirrel and venison."

BEACON OF LIGHT: "And speaking of venison, most nights you can see a beacon of light in the woods behind our house. I think it’s one of the Bunspackler boys spotlighting deer."

DISAFFECTED: "Daddy he slid on some boiled okra and skint his knee on a folding chair, but Momma she slathered it with Bag Balm and it’s disaffected now."

LET’S CLEAR THE AIR: "After Daddy got into the pinto beans, Momma said ‘let’s clear the air’ and went to fetch the room deodorizer."

LEFT-LEANING: "Papaw he don’t do near as much left-leaning now that he got his new cane."

GRIDLOCK: "Earl and Tammy Jean was united in holy gridlock in September, and exactly nine months later little Earl was borned."

MY HEART GOES OUT: "My appendix went out last summer. When my heart goes out, I reckon they’ll bury me next to Nana."

MOVE THE COUNTRY FORWARD: "I still hate the Daylight Savings Time. Every spring we move the country forward, and every fall we move it back again."

RESPECT ABROAD: "I don’t respect abroad if she looks too mannish, like my cousin Gerald Dean, who has way too much hair on her face to suit me."

DIVERSITY: "Joe Billy he wanted to take that Auburn football scholarship, but Momma she sent him to Diversity of Alabama on account of she already had white hair and a red dress."

SOLIDIFY OUR BASE: "Me and Duane we thought we could solidify our base if we used more Quikrete and less water."


I hope this has been helpful. Now you can take all of that useless political double talk and get some good out of it. Just remember to use it sparingly, or somebody may decide they need to nominate you for something or other.