By Tim Sanders

There are public statements destined to ring down through the corridors of time; some marked by eloquence, some by heartfelt sentiment, and yet others by wit and wisdom. There are other public statements, however, that should remain forgotten inside the old smelly stalls of the recent past in the bathrooms of the present, which are located at each end of the corridors of time, near the exit signs of eternity (whew). You are probably familiar with the now infamous statement which has been broadcast over and over again on TV. On Friday, August 24, during the interview portion of the Miss Teen USA pageant, Miss Teen South Carolina was asked if she could explain why one-fifth of Americans couldn’t find the U.S. on a world map. Now I didn’t watch the pageant, but l did watch videos of her response, and wrote it down, verbatim, because I am a serious journalist with a lot of time on my hands. Here was Lauren Caitlin Upton’s answer:

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some ... people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as uh, South Africa, and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S, should help the U.S., or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

Television pundits were shocked and dismayed. They were aghast. They were delighted. They knitted their brows and seriously discussed the reasons for her disjointed, rambling non-response. Perhaps, some said, she’d ingested bad mushrooms before going onstage, or perhaps her blood sugar level had dropped precipitously. One or two offered the possibility that she’d misunderstood the question, others chalked it up to the confusing bright lights and all of the cameras, and many simply said it was a stark indictment of our nation’s public school system. There were dumb blonde jokes everywhere, and the poor girl was the focus of every late night comedian’s monologue for the next several days.
I took a different approach. I decided to take her answer at face value and try to decipher her meaning. It was my contention, and still is, that there was a thought in there somewhere, trying to get out.

Here, bit by bit, is my analysis of what Miss Teen South Carolina was trying to express:

1. "I personally believe–" means simply that she, her own self, personally believes what she is about to say. She is not trying to trick us.

2. "–that U.S. Americans are unable to do so–" Here, wisely, she draws a clear distinction between unspecified, run-of-the-mill, generalized North and South American "Americans" and "U.S. Americans," so as to avoid offending Canadians, Guatemalans and the like, all of whom undoubtedly are indeed able to do so. On a map.

3. "–because, uh, some ... people out there in our nation don’t have maps." Note that she pauses between "some" and "people." That is because she is carefully choosing her words so as not to be offensive. This is one of the most important parts of her answer, because she plainly feels you shouldn’t expect people to locate the U.S. on a map if they don’t personally have a map their own selves. Perfectly logical. And she goes on.

4. "–and uh, I believe that our, ah, education like such as uh, South Africa, and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as–" I especially like this part, and am in total agreement with her about our education, like such as, uh, South Africa and especially the Iraq. I am not exactly clear as to what our education has to do with South Africa and the Iraq, but I’m sure she realizes that both are on the map, somewhere, and automatically a connection has been made in her frontal lobe. "Everywhere such as–" does not go anywhere, and leaves the listener perplexed as to what "such as" refers to, but I think that on closer examination we can all agree that the second "such as" probably refers to "everywhere." Or to the first "such as." As to "the Iraq," she is simply using the definite article to point out that it’s the Iraq on her little mental map to which she’s referring. To.

5. "–and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S.–" Absolutely! What she said.

6. "–or should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries–" This may be a compound sentence, or a compound fracture, or simply bouncing brain particles, we are not sure. We do know that here she deftly tosses South Africa and the Iraq in with the Asian countries, or seems to, at any rate. That is a good move. Inclusive, you might say. [NOTE: We think it was wise of her not to mention Scandinavia. There's no sense in showing off.]

7. "–so we will be able to build up our future, for us." That final sentence fragment gives the rationale for her theory, which is that if we follow it, whatever it is, we’ll be able to build up our future. And not just for "them," but for "us." Built up futures is good.

There. I hope my explanation helps. All you really need to know is that the poor child was in a beauty pageant, and beauty pageants are mainly concerned with ... uh, BEAUTY! The main requirements of a beauty pageant contestant should be to look perky, move well in a bikini, and not fall down unless you can do it seductively. Talent should not be required, nor should the ability to answer tricky questions about maps and things.

Besides, even with her somewhat confusing answer, Miss Teen South Carolina finished third runner-up. I personally believe, my own self, that given time and a little education such as, like, the South Africa, she could build up her future and become another, uh, Katie Couric ... such as.