Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Sept. 10, 2012

Conventional wisdom

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By the time this issue “hits the stands,” the national political conventions will be over, and TV will have resumed normal broadcasting. Being a serious journalist, I did my very best to watch several minutes of both the Republican and the Democratic Conventions, and will summarize each for the benefit of those who, for various reasons, chose to watch old Wheel of Fortune episodes on their DVDs instead.


REPUBLICAN PREPARATIONS: Hurricane Isaac was threatening Tampa and the Florida Gulf Coast, and the Republicans were making contingency plans to relocate their convention some 80 miles inland to Disney World in Orlando if necessary. Fortunately, the hurricane changed course, and the RNC was able to cancel their order for Mickey Mouse caps.

There were rumors that Joe Biden was going to attend, but an alert staffer managed to explain to him that the convention in Tampa was the REPUBLICAN convention, and he was a Democrat.

They may not have had Biden, but the Republicans did have balloons.


DEMOCRATIC PREPARATIONS: Most of the preparations for the Democratic Convention involved 16 tons of sand donated by the good people of Myrtle Beach, South Carolina to their northern neighbors in Charlotte. From that load of sand emerged a sand sculpture in the exact likeness of President Obama, or possibly Jabba the Hut if you look more carefully. There was some concern when a heavy rainstorm degraded large parts of the sculpture, but luckily the artists were able to reinforce the President's crumbling ears with a pair of canoe paddles, and everyone was happy.

Because of a late change of venue due to either a) possible thunderstorms, or b) poor attendance, the final night of the Democratic Convention was not held outdoors at the 73,000 capacity Bank of America Stadium, home of the Carolina Panthers, but rather indoors at the West Charlotte High School gymnasium, capacity somewhat less (600).

En route to the new location, the Democrats lost their balloon, so the much anticipated Democratic balloon drop was cancelled.


THEMES: Oddly enough, the main theme of the Republican Convention was strikingly similar to the main theme of the Democratic Convention, and only a trained journalist could, by listening carefully, detect the slight difference in tone between the two. The Republicans pointed out: “Your guy has really screwed things up over the past four years, but our guy will fix it.” The Democrats, on the other hand, said: “Our guy has really screwed things up over the past four years, but George Bush made him do it.


REPUBLICAN WIVES: Ann Romney, in an emotionally charged speech, told of Mitt's humble beginnings, and how he trudged across the wilds of Bloomfield Hills, Michigan in search of the elusive Michigan squirrel and possum to put on his family's dinner table. She also told how, in the early years of their marriage, she and Mitt lived in somebody's basement, ate their meals on the ironing board and ironed their clothes on the kitchen table. She gave no reason for this, but it was still very moving, and by the time she'd finished tears flowed like rain, and there wasn't a dry seat in the auditorium. Mitt and Ann were humble people, from humble beginnings, and proud of it.


DEMOCRATIC WIVES: Not to be outdone, humble-wise, First Lady Michelle Obama revealed in her speech in Charlotte how little Barack had walked for ten miles, through fearsome blizzards and deep snowdrifts, to and from his prep school in Honolulu, Hawaii. Uphill, both ways. She told of the humble car he drove when they were dating–the one with holes in the floorboard. And there was also something or other about young Barack dumpster diving for humble furniture, and wearing humble shoes that didn't fit. Michelle and Barack were humble people, too, and every bit as proud of their humble beginnings as were Mitt and Ann. Once again, there wasn't a dry seat in the place.


OTHER REPUBLICAN SPEAKERS: The most memorable Republican speech was given by Clint Eastwood, who spent almost half an hour arguing with a chair. Most observers felt that Clint won the argument when he finally said “Go ahead, make my day!” and then stomped the chair into little pieces onstage. I watched old Squint do his thing, and it left me emotionally drained.


OTHER DEMOCRATIC SPEAKERS: Many Democrats had hoped that 90-year-old Betty White would make a cameo appearance and top Clint Eastwood's dramatic chair debate by cursing at an umbrella stand, but she was injured by a huge, foam rubber crocodile while filming “Lake Placid 9–The Revenge of Mrs. Bickerman,” and unable to attend.

The highpoint of the Democratic Convention may well have been when former President Bill Clinton spoke. He did not speak to a chair, but he did speak to several of us at home who, halfway through his Clintonesque speech (read: long), switched to the Bad Movie Channel and watched Bruce Willis in “Twelve Monkeys,” which was also very long, but not nearly so boring.


JOE BIDEN: Vice President Joe Biden arrived late at the Democratic Convention. He'd spent most of the week looking for the Convention stadium in Charlottesville, Virginia. There was some question as to whether it was simply an honest mistake, or if indeed officials at the DNC had purposely given him bad information. Either way, Joe did a fine job. He did not say anything about FDR's fireside chats being televised in 1929, or about that UFO he definitely saw land in front of the Washington Monument, or about the dangers of going into a tanning booth without sun block or a helmet. He did, however, emphasize the fact that he, too, came from humble beginnings, having been born in Pennsylvania in a humble log cabin which he built with his own hands. Joe did not appear to be heavily medicated, but sometimes with Joe it's hard to tell.


So now you know my position,which is: “If you don't yet know who you're going to vote for, please, please STAY HOME in November! Not for the entire month, but at least on the 6th. Despite the many similarities between the two parties, there are some huge differences.