By Tim Sanders

I am a pet lover. I’ve had pets my whole life; some with feathers, some with fur, some with shells and one (a cat) with a really stupid looking party hat my wife made for him. Often these pets would remain, listening attentively to my theories on the meaning of life and the merits of those tasty bean burritos I’d had for lunch, long after everyone else had scurried out of the room. Those pets have meant a lot to me. In last week’s Post, on page 28, I stumbled across a classified ad in the PETS section, which I had to read twice, just to make sure I was reading it correctly.

Free ferret, been distinct, to good home. 927-****

That is the ad, verbatim except for the asterisks, which I’ve used to conceal the rest of the phone number due to my heartfelt desire not to get on the bad side of anybody with a dangerous pet ferret, distinct or indistinct. Apparently, if that ferret has "been distinct," according to my old faithful American Heritage Dictionary it has been: "[d]istinguishable from all others; easily perceived by the senses; explicit or unquestionable." This indicates that at one time the ferret was not your average, run-of-the-mill ferret. If it is still in that condition, and does not have high mileage or excessive body rust, it would probably be an excellent bargain. Hey, it’s free, after all.

Which brings us to the topic of this week’s column: UNUSUAL PETS. Yes, ferrets may well be unusual pets, but a ferret can’t hold a candle to a vacuum cleaner (not that there would ever be any need for that). What I’m talking about is an October 1 AP article, by Greg Bluestein, titled "Study finds human-robot attachment." This article says that a recent Georgia Tech study reveals that some owners of Roombas (those high-tech, disk-shaped robotic vacuum cleaners) often "give them nicknames, worry when they signal for help and sometimes even treat them like trusted pets."

Obviously in response to alumni complaints that Georgia Tech was wasting a lot of time and money on meaningless research, Dr. Beki Grinter, Associate Professor at the Georgia Tech College of Computing, did an in-depth study of the complex relationship between consumers and their Roombas. Bluestein says "Grinter decided to study the devices after she saw online pictures of people dressing up their Roombas."According to the Bluestein article, Dr. Grinter enlisted a Ph.D. student to help with her studies. At one point Mr. Bluestein refers to the graduate student as "Ja Young Sung," and a couple of lines later calls her "Sung Young." Although her Roomba research may not yet rival the development of the X-ray, we will refer to her as "Madame Curie" so as to avoid lawsuits by, oh, let’s say the Sungs or the Youngs.

First, [Madame Curie] monitored an online forum devoted to Roombas, which revealed people who named them and traveled with them and one owner who introduced the machine to his parents.

Others reported their efforts to "Roomba-ize" their homes so the robot can roam the floors more easily. Some bought new rugs, pre-cleaned the floors to clear the robot’s route and purchased new refrigerators with a higher clearance so their machines could clean under them easier.

"I was blown away," said [Madame Curie]."Some Roombas break a lot, they still have functional problems. But people are willing to make that effort because they love their robot enough."

Next she studied 30 committed Roomba users and found that 21 had named their robots. Another 16 referred to the robot as "he," arbitrarily assigning the robot a gender.

The results of this monumental scientific study were recently presented at something called the "Ubiquitous Computing Conference" in Austria. "Polling 379 U.S. users, it found that ... [the Roomba] seemed to make males more excited about the chore of vacuuming." Bleustein adds, "that could have profound implications for the future of vacuuming." Conference attendees agreed that if they played their cards right this research could surpass Alfred Kinsey’s 1953 landmark report on "Sexuality and the Manual Pencil Sharpener" when it came to inspiring further scientific study and garnering huge government grants.

[NOTE: I saw one of those Roombas hard at work, and it did not make me "more excited about the chore of vacuuming." What it did, however, was make me very curious as to whether, if I were to pick up that little humming disk that kept bumping into my foot and toss it across my sister-in-law’s front yard and into the street like a Frisbee, it could find its way through traffic and back home.]

So there you have it–normal, everyday people, just like you and me, more or less, emotionally attached to little, round robotic vacuum cleaners. They give them pet names and dress them up in bunny outfits and summery little pinafores, and we have the ground-breaking scientific study to prove it. Well, call me old fashioned, but you won’t be seeing one of those robotic rug-suckers scooting around our house.

That is because we have a genuine black, self-propelled Hoover Wind Tunnel upright vacuum cleaner tethered to the wall socket in the spare bedroom. When he’s not patrolling the premises he wears a Neiko Solar Powered Auto Darkening Welding Helmet with 100x40mm observation window, full face and front of neck protection, and variable shade adjustment. He’s an excellent guard vacuum, and we call him Darth. I’ll guarantee you he could make short work of a battalion of those annoying little Roombas.

And if, God forbid, some mishap should befall Darth, we still have the backup watch pets: Spike, our pedigreed 4-Slice Toaster, and George, our Lean, Mean, Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine. We keep them caged in the kitchen, disguised as large oven mitts. (Yes, they’ve both been neutered.)