Road Apples
Oct. 14, 2008

Not just another Grammar Bailout

By Tim Sanders

Now that the economy is in shambles, brokerage firms are sinking like so many concrete flotation devices, banks are crumbling, and our personal retirement accounts are all on the endangered species list, it’s time for responsible journalists to step up to the plate and say, unequivocally … uh, the food’s all gone, and where’s my fork? No, actually it’s time for us to reassure our readers that, hey, it could be worse. Like, for example, what about our federal government? That’s right, what if the federal government, which couldn’t manage a two-item yard sale without fourteen months of fully funded congressional investigations into how that sale would affect the mating habits of monarch butterflies and Congressman Barney Frank, were in charge? Yeah, what if the feds were to start taking over the country‘s financial institutions? Oh yeah, I forgot, that’s already happened. Well, so much for reassurance. I guess instead it’s time for us to talk about what’s really important in frightening times like these--GRAMMAR. After all, when you’ve finally spent your last dime and come to the end of your rope, just before you jump out of that window there are a couple of things to consider:

1. What floor am I on? and

2. Should I have used better punctuation in my suicide note?

Everyone knows there’s nothing more disappointing than reading a grammatically incorrect, poorly punctuated suicide note. We certainly wouldn’t want the relative who finds our note to have to look out that first floor bedroom window and holler, “Hey Bob, when you said ‘I go to join the celestial choir invisible,’ shouldn’t there be a comma in there somewhere?” So let the storms rage, the lightning bolts fly, the stock market crash and the food lines begin, we shall forge ahead and answer those critically important grammar questions.


Q: I read this ad in the Classified section of our newspaper: “This motorcycle is ideal for the female rider weighing under 400 lbs.” Could you clarify that for me.

A: Good grammar would dictate the following: “This here motorcycle will not support really fat girls without you completely revamp the suspension system.”


Q: What are quotation marks for?

A: Quotation marks are useful when the writer doesn’t want his readers to think he is making something up. For example, if I were to say that Senator Joe Biden was very confused about when television was invented, people might think I was making that up. The more effective way of proving my point would be as follows:

In a recent interview with perky Katie Couric, Senator Joe Biden stated: "When the Confederates fired on Fort Sumter, Abraham Lincoln got on television and sold war bonds."

A colon followed by a direct quotation should remove any concerns that a responsible journalist like myself would ever make anything up. I’m not a U.S. Senator, after all.


Q: Can a colon ever be followed by anything besides a direct quotation?
A: Yes it can. Sometimes it can be followed by an exclamation point. As in “The doctor spent over an hour peering through that scope, looking up Leonard’s:!”


Q: My teacher told me that the apostrophe is used to indicate possession. Can you give me examples of when not to use apostrophes?

A: Yes. Many people refer to the era of the Great Depression as “the 1930’s.” This of course is incorrect, since a large majority of Americans had no possessions during those years. And as with everything else, the majority rules when it comes to grammar and punctuation.


Q: Cousin Earl he called and left a message on my answering machine which said Claudette was leaving him on account of him having a reptile dysfunction. What did he mean by that?

A: Biology was never my strong suit (my strong suit is a charcoal wool, 3 button jacket with matching trousers). But I would guess that Earl has a pet snake with some sort of digestive disorder. Or it may be a lizard or a turtle, most of which are also reptiles.


Q: If a turtle is a reptile, then what is an amphibian?

A: That is a person who can sign his name with either hand.


Q: I recently read an Internet headline which said: “RUMORS ABOUT FED CHAIRMAN BEN BERNANKE GROWING UGLY.” Would you rephrase that headline, and if so, how?

A: I’ve studied several photos of Chairman Bernanke, and if I had to rephrase that headline, I’d simply omit the part about rumors.


Q: I wrote the following sentence, and Mr. Farnum, our Political Science teacher, said it was unclear: “In the debate, Senator Vole repeated his belief that everyone should register and vote over and over again.” So what’s wrong with that sentence?

A: It might give the reader the impression that Senator Vole was in favor of individuals voting dozens and dozens of times. This is probably not true. In most states you may vote only five times, unless you count Ohio. In Ohio voting starts early so that voters can vote hundreds of times if the spirit so moves them. One very patriotic gentleman, Mr. Cecil Weedwhacker Johnson from Cleveland, actually voted 472 times. He said he would have continued voting right up until the actual election day, but he was exhausted. I believe I read somewhere that he was given an attractive plaque and a cash award by the Cleveland City Council.


Q: Ah, if there were only more dedicated Americans like Cecil Weedwhacker Johnson.

A: There are.


So cheer up, gentle readers. Things may look bleak, but you still have your grammar to keep you topside up. Perhaps next week we will show you how to conjugate an investment banker. All you need is a No. 2 lead pencil and a croquet mallet.