Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Oct. 15, 2012
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Son of Alabamer Grammar returns The important thing about good grammar is that you can use it to make even the dumbest statements sound intelligent. If, for example, I were to tell a friend that “armadillos is good eatin' once you peel off the husk,” that friend might suspect that I had been smoking rabbit tobacco. If instead I were to say that “the armadillo, when properly prepared, can provide a tasty repast for a hungry individual,” then my friend would look at me, very seriously, and say “Huh?” Okay, so he still might think I was an idiot, but at least he'd be confused for a few minutes. Good grammar can do that for you. You need to use good grammar to assure success in fields where nonsense is acceptable if full of large words and delivered with correct punctuation. Like the political field, for example. But politics is not why we here at Alabamer Grammar Central take the time and effort to answer your grammar questions. We'd be satisfied if you were to choose an altogether different field. Remind us later, and we will tell you the story of a politician who got lost in an Iowa corn field for three weeks during primary season and emerged an honest citizen. Q: In the October issue of Reminisce magazine, a lady named Peggy Swyers wrote that in 1914 her mother, who was six at the time, had returned home after attending her first baptism. Later that day her aunt saw her in the backyard, holding a cat over a bucket of water, solemnly announcing “I baptize thee in the name of the father, the son, and in the hole you go!” Does that sound right to you? A: Without knowing the spiritual condition of the cat after the ceremony, and the physical condition of Ms. Swyers' mother, we are unable to comment. Q: My neighbor Bob thinks he is uptown. He is always saying “Bonjewer” and “Aw reservoir.” I think they are the only French words he knows, but he's bound and determined to get all the mileage he can out of them. In the morning he says “Bonjewer, Lester, how's them 'maters comin' along?” and in the evening he says “Aw reservoir, Lester, I got to go check the chickens for mites.” He ain't never been to France, and won't never go there, neither. He just wants to impress everybody that he is cultured. Is there anything I can say back to him in French that would let him know he ain't the only one with culture? A: We here at Grammar Central do not study French vocabulary because we believe the French people, through no fault of their own, are weasels. We only know one French word–“fromage.” We don't know what it means, but we do know that they have vast herds of fromages roaming the French Alps. So you'd be safe tossing it into almost any conversation. Q: The words “spade” and “spayed” sound exactly the same. How do I know which is which? A: You must listen to the entire sentence in context. Sometimes just one little “helping word” can make all the difference. “Mrs. Horton returned from the garden clutching her pruning shears and spade.” carries a somewhat different meaning from “Mrs. Horton returned from the garden clutching her pruning shears and spayed ferret.” In this case, “ferret” is the helping word. Q: Our beagle Howell he got into a bowl of degreaser Momma was using on the frigidaire and he come down with the runs and made a mess on the recliner so Momma she sent me to the vet's and when I told him I needed an anecdote all he done was tell me a story about his dog Emily who ate a five pound bag of Kraft caramel squares, which his wife was saving up for Halloween and she got all stoved up and ruined the front seat of their Buick. By which I mean his dog, not his wife. He said it was the only anecdote about dogs with bowel problems he knowed, which didn't do me no good at all. When I went back and told Momma she said maybe anecdote wasn't the right word. So what should I of asked for? A: A cork. Q: My teacher Mrs. Kelp she tole the class she didn't care for aphorisms. I tole her my momma she use to have aphorisms and had to take Immolients for them. I tole her she ort to lay off them ice cream cups with chocolate syrup and academia nuts she is always eating in the teachers' lounge which tend to make her gassy and bloated, and she said a bad word and sent me to the office. The principal he ast me how come I was there and I tole him and he said an aphorism was a short saying that was always true, like in “The early bird gets the worm.” He give me the start of one, and tole me to finish it and then I could go back to class. It was “You can lead a horse to water.” I tole him it sounded reasonable just the way it was, but he said I needed to add some more to it. So I finally come up with “You can lead a horse to water, but you can't ride a fish back to the barn.” He said I was missing the point, and so I tole him that horses and fish is all together different kinds of mammals and one can breathe air but the other one– A: What is your question? Q: Oh yeah. How come Mrs. Kelp can bring a cooler every morning with whichever snacks she wants in it and they won't let us eat peanut butter sandwiches no more? A: Because she is in the teachers' union. Q: Momma she had the bronchitis so she sent Daddy to the store for a humidifier, but he come home with a dehumidifier. So now Momma's cough is worser and Daddy he has a terrible knot on his head. A: And you want to know the difference between a humidifier and a dehumidifier, right? Q: Not really. I just thought you'd be interested. A: Oh. Well, thanks. If you have grammar questions, and if you are willing to sign a waver relieving us of any legal responsibility, we will gladly answer them. 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