Road Apples by Tim Sanders

Road Apples
Oct. 20, 2008

Things that either did happen, or should have happened, on October 20

I was in the mood to write an historical column this week. One of the advantages to historical columns is that most of the people who participated in the events you are writing about have died years ago, and cannot defend themselves. Oliver Stone has made a large fortune writing things about historical figures who have long since bought the farm, and therefore must have done every single absurd thing he said they did in his screenplays, because they certainly never objected. Some people call that kind of writing "less than entirely truthful," but we journalists prefer calling it "artistic license." I had my artistic license revoked earlier this year, but it was reinstated last month, and I like to think I can still rewrite history with the best of them.

I’d planned to write an informative and moderately truthful account of something really significant which happened on October 20th, so I went to my trusty encyclopedia and found that most really important historical figures, from the era of the Roman Empire up to modern times, have taken vacations on October 20th and not accomplished much of anything. Here’s what I came up with:

1. On October 20, 1632, Christopher Wren was born. I thought that there might have been an excellent children’s column there, somewhere, but as it turned out Christopher Wren was not a Winnie the Pooh character, but only a British architect who redesigned St. Paul’s Cathedral, as well as dozens of other churches and a couple of hospitals after the Great London Fire of 1666. He obviously did not design the House at Pooh Corner.

2. On October 20, 1803, the U.S. Senate ratified the Louisiana Purchase. I considered writing a column about the Louisiana Purchase bill and the final vote, but I got bogged down in the earmarks included in the bill, which among other things set aside $827.50 to subsidize leech hatcheries, and $7,000 to provide hog farmers with actual oaken pork barrels.

3. On October 20, 1859, American educator and philosopher John Dewey was born. I had high hopes for a column commemorating his invention of the Dewey Decimal System. Unfortunately, I learned that the Dewey Decimal System, which has confused students for more than a century, was invented by a sadistic librarian named Melvil Dewey, who didn’t even have the decency to be born on October 20. No, he was born on December 10, 1851, and was immediately classified, sub-classified, divided, sub-divided, sectioned, re-sectioned and then filed in numerical order in his own little card catalog with a pacifier and an abacus.

4. On October 20, 1931. Mickey Mantle, the great Yankee slugger, was born in Spavinaw, Oklahoma. I’d once heard a very entertaining story about Mickey taking teammates Whitey Ford and Billy Martin deer hunting in Texas. The story ended with Martin shooting a cow, which is really a perfect ending for a Billy Martin story, except that I researched it, and it never happened. I believe it was another wildflower harvested from the fertile mind of Oliver Stone. There went another column. I might stretch the truth a bit from time to time when absolutely necessary, but I’d never stoop to stealing Oliver Stone’s material.

So that was just about it as far as October 20th was concerned. I did learn that Old Ironsides was launched on October 21st. I thought that maybe that was close enough, but when I read on I realized that the thing with a weight of 1570 tons and a beam width of 43.5 feet which was launched into Boston Harbor on October 21, 1797 was not the late Raymond Burr, but the U.S.S. Constitution. The Old Ironsides in question was only a bottom-heavy frigate, not a bottom-heavy actor in a wheelchair. Nothing humorous about an old battleship.

At that point I decided to expand my parameters, so to speak, and settle for anything of historical significance which happened at any point in the second or third week of October. When I received the following article from reader Matt Sedgewick, my parameters swelled with pride. After all, the report appeared on October 16, 2008, which was four days ago, and therefore, according to my calculations, historical. Even better, it happened in Alabama, where very little history is ever successfully performed. The story was reported by NBC 15 News Senior Producer Christie Sumrall.

Dressed in Heels and Blonde Wig, Man Burglarizes Beauty Salon

(BALDWIN COUNTY, Ala.) Oct. 16 - A man was arrested for burglarizing a beauty shop Wednesday night. Authorities say the suspect disguised himself as a woman, wearing high-heeled shoes and a blonde wig.

Baldwin County Sheriff’s deputies said Frederic M. Koetter, 42, confessed to the crime at Curl and Style beauty shop on County Road 65 near County Road 26, after he was identified by two witnesses.
Koetter broke into the beauty shop to see himself in the mirror dressed as a woman, deputies said. As investigators interviewed the owner of the beauty shop, they noticed an odd resemblance–Koetter was dressed like the shop owner, with fake hair and clothes.

Koetter insisted he was not trying to look like the shop owner, but said he did want to sit in her chair and see what he looked like.

There’s a photo of Mr. Koetter accompanying the story. He’s wearing a colorful flowered print top, a curly blonde wig, earrings, and a shocked expression, as though he’s just wet his panties. Mr. Koetter needs a shave, and if indeed he bears "an odd resemblance" to the beauty shop’s owner, then we’d advise the poor woman to avoid cameras and direct sunlight. That is, assuming the owner is a woman.

Since Mr. Koetter’s relationship to the Bush administration was not mentioned, I’m fairly confident that Oliver Stone had nothing to do with the story, and you may rely on its veracity. And if you want to tell your friends that the infamous Break-in at the Beauty Shop at Pooh Corner occurred on October 20, be my guest. Nobody will ever know the difference.