Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Oct. 22, 2012

Giant eyeballs, raw chickens and other things

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When a journalist commits journalism, each column should have a central theme which ties the whole thing together. My columns always do, except for the ones that don't. This one does, and with a little thought you will figure out what it is.


THE MYSTERIOUS GIANT EYEBALL - On October 10, a beachcomber named Gino Covacci stumbled across a really large eyeball walking along south Florida's Pompano Beach. Let me clarify that. Gino was walking along Pompano Beach, not the eyeball. The mysterious eyeball was just lying there, all blue and “softball sized,” and the TV networks and the Internet carried a variety of photos, and stories speculating on just what kind of eyeball it was, and whether there was a whale or a giant squid or a shark or something else now swimming around out there in the Atlantic with an eye patch.

I received a few emails about that giant eyeball from readers who felt it was something I needed to investigate, and one of them said (and this is an exact quote): “Scientists believe this is the largest eyeball ever found on Pompano Beach.”

That statement piqued my curiosity, because it seemed to indicate that there had been other, smaller eyeballs washing ashore on that particular beach. It conjured up visions of EYEBALL WARNING signs being posted, and that of course led to other ominous thoughts about a possible worldwide epidemic of really large eyeballs washing ashore. So I Googled “largest beach eyeball,” but found no references to any other eyeballs found either on Pompano Beach, or other beaches. I broadened my Google search to include anything containing the phrase “largest eyeballs,” but was directed to several Internet comments about the late Marty Feldman, who played Igor in Young Frankenstein, and had a pair of eyeballs the size of dinner plates. That was no help.

Eventually marine biologists and other very serious scientific types agreed that the eyeball belonged to a swordfish, and had probably been tossed overboard by a fisherman who, for reasons known only to him, enjoyed removing swordfish eyeballs and tossing them overboard. So the mystery was solved, and beachcombers can all resume their combing without worrying about who or what is watching them.


IT'S RAINING CHICKEN - That very headline was penned by Carol Vaughn in The (Salisbury, Md.) Daily Times. Her article began this way:


“10:27 AM EDT October 10, 2012 - ASSAWOMAN, Va. - A teen's horseback riding lesson ended abruptly after a foot-long chunk of raw chicken that fell out of a cloudless sky hit her in the head.

Fortunately, what hit Cassie Bernard last week was the smallest of three or more poultry parts that rained down as owner Jennifer Cording was giving a lesson to a group of advanced students while several parents looked on.”


Just as with the Florida Mysterious Huge Eyeball case, the Virginia Raining Chicken Parts incident raised lots of speculation. How did those raw, plucked chicken parts get up in the sky and who or what dropped them? No one accused giant squids or whales or even flying fish, but some did suggest that sea gulls had found some chicken parts at a nearby farm and decided to drop them on those equestrians as a kind of sea gull prank. To be perfectly honest, I don't care. What got my attention in that article was the fact that there is actually a town on the Virginia coast called “Assawoman.” I don't know how that town got its name, but I believe that somebody has some explaining to do.


POLITICAL HORSE MANURE - Above an October 11 CBS News report by Ben Fearnow, there appeared the following headline: “Pile of Manure Dumped on an Ohio Democratic Headquarters.” When Warren County Democratic workers went to their headquarters just north of Cincinnati on the morning of Tuesday, October 9, they found a really large pile of horse manure covering a good portion of the parking lot and blocking entrance to the building. According to the report, volunteers were “shocked and disappointed.” There was a very good photo of the building, and the parking lot, and the gift that kept on giving. Being a journalist, I am quite familiar with horse manure, and take my word for it, that was horse manure. Now, finding a load of ripe road apples in the vicinity of a political headquarters of either party should not be surprising. That is where it belongs, I suppose. But what caught my attention in that little article was the following statement by Warren County Democratic “chair” Beth Goldenfield, who is actually a woman, not a chair at all: “No one has claimed responsibility for the prank.” I'm not sure who it is she expects to come forward. Perhaps the Warren County Republican “chair will admit guilt.” Or a confession by three Clydesdales and fourteen quarter horses may be forthcoming. You know, as part of a plea deal. Ms. Goldenfield made no mention of a counter strike. We'll just have to wait and see.


So what is the theme of this week's column, you ask? It is this: THINGS THAT POP UP OUT OF THE SEA, FALL OUT OF THE SKY, OR DROP OUT OF HORSES' HINDQUARTERS, AND HOW THEY CAN ALL RUIN YOUR APPETITE IF YOU READ ABOUT THEM JUST BEFORE BREAKFAST.