By Tim Sanders

Where science is concerned, there are men who follow the herd, and then there are men who graze in an altogether different pasture. Leonardo da Vinci comes to mind. He was not only an excellent painter, having in just one week applied three coats of white, semi-gloss enamel to fourteen picket fences in Milan, Italy, but also a farsighted inventor. Fortunately he was able to correct his farsightedness with spectacles he made out of an old stained-glass window. Leonardo’s most famous invention was the flying buttress. In 1492 he launched himself and his heavily armed buttress into the sky of blue from a distressed capulet atop the Tower of Pisa without first adjusting his tail fin. He passed into history after landing flat on his buttress some 200 ft. below. (I’m almost sure I read that somewhere.)

So where was I? Oh yeah, men who graze in altogether different pastures. One such modern day Renaissance man is Andrew Kadir-Buxton. We first learned of Andrew from a very scientifically sophisticated reader named Randall Costas. Andrew Kadir-Buxton lives in Hertfordshire, England, and he is not your average, run-with-the-herd, scientist. Only in his mid-40s, Andrew has already designed the Buxton Geothermal Turbine Generator, which he says will end global warming by powering large freezers at both the North and South Poles. There is also the Kadir-Buxton Jump Start procedure, by which a recently deceased person can be brought back to life when the practitioner stomps forcefully on the patient’s chest with the edge of his heel, sending severe pain to that tiny part of the brain which has not yet died, and causing the deceased to "immediately sit up with a start."

I mention these breakthroughs only to illustrate just how far afield Andrew Kadir-Buxton’s fertile mind has grazed. But his most useful discovery is the Kadir-Buxton Method, which provides a unique approach to mental health care. On his website, www.kadir-buxton.com, you will find a very serious, scientific discussion of how one can effectively cure mental health problems by using his procedure, which he says, "stuns and resets the brain of the patient, so that the patient returns to a normal condition. [It] is done by making a fist of both hands, and striking both ears of the patient at exactly the same time." There is a photo of Mr. Buxton, who may resemble the late Curly Howard, but is certainly no stooge. Below his photo is another, an actual, scientific photograph of an actual, scientific hand, with an actual, scientific arrow pointing to it.

Buxton’s Method does render the patient unconscious, but that is all as it should be, and he states that if the ears are boxed correctly, the patient will regain consciousness within thirty seconds. He then adds:

" I would like to explain the difference between a stun and a punch. With the Kadir-Buxton Method, a patient standing on one leg whilst holding a rose would still be standing on one leg and holding a rose when they were cured. With a punch, the patient would be lying prone on the floor, and could well have dropped the rose. And just to add insult to injury, they would still be mentally ill."

Stun: good. Punch: bad.

The website explains that more serious mental conditions, such as manic depression and eating disorders, may require as many as three sharp blows to the head. These are to be administered while the patient is remembering his particular mental problem, and the idea is to erase that memory. A trained professional could, for example, tell a pathological liar to think about how much he enjoyed lying while the professional administered the first whack, and the patient would continue thinking about lying during the subsequent two whacks, until at last the very notion of enjoying lying would be driven out of his head and he’d be right as rain. Buxton is careful to point out that "a liar can think of something else instead of how much they enjoy lying as part of the lying process, and other memories could be erased instead." Only a true scientist would anticipate those contingencies. Buxton also recommends his Method for treating alcoholism, drug addiction, and senility. He says that if professionals across Europe were to adopt his Method, billions of dollars in treatment and medication costs could be saved annually.

Oh sure, I know you may be skeptical. "What if my therapist were to lose count?" you ask. "Or what about that steel plate in my head?" Well, nothing is foolproof. But think, for a moment, about what usually happens in a psychotherapist’s office. Not that you, yourself have ever personally visited a psychotherapist. We’re talking about a close friend.

PATIENT: Doctor, I’m always afraid, deathly afraid! I CAN’T SLEEP, I CAN’T EAT! IT’S THOSE HORRIBLE BRAIN WORMS, I TELL YOU!

DOCTOR: I hear you saying that you’re experiencing what we professional therapists call "fear." Would you like to talk about that?

PATIENT: They got Momma, now they’re after me! I think they lay their eggs in my pillowcase while I’m sleeping, and then they hatch and crawl into my ear!

DOCTOR: Aha, you fear something may be wrong with your ear? Would you like to talk about that?

PATIENT: OH GOD, I DON’T WANT TO TALK ANYMORE! CAN’T YOU HELP ME?

DOCTOR: As a mental health professional, I believe that we need to take a few moments to reflect on what we’ve accomplished so far ... but, uh, your time is up. Please leave a check at the desk on the way out.

Not much help there. But of course it’s only the first of several hundred sessions. With the Kadir-Buxton Method, the scenario might be very different indeed.

PATIENT: Doctor, I’m always deathly afraid! IT’S THOSE HORRIBLE BRAIN WORMS, I TELL YOU! Can you help me?"

DOCTOR: Of course! Take this rose in your right hand, face the wall whilst standing on one leg, and think very seriously about your brain worms.

PATIENT: Okay.

DOCTOR: WHACK ...WHACK ...KERWHACK!

PATIENT: OUCH ...OUCH ...HOLY CRAP!

DOCTOR: Now what about those brain worms?

PATIENT: What brain worms? Hey, where’d this rose come from?

There. One session, problem solved. And for the patients who couldn’t afford a licensed professional, a competent family member could perform the procedure. My wife, for example, has already volunteered to try the Kadir-Buxton Method on me. She says it might help with my attention deficit disorder. In fact, here she comes now, and she’s carrying a couple of bricks. I wonder what those are for?