Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Oct. 29, 2012

Pumpkinology

Share |

Sometimes a journalist's wife can provide him with the kind of criticism that nobody else will offer. That is a good thing, mostly. Just the other day, for example, Marilyn offered some thoughtful, constructive criticism about this week's pumpkin column.“Tim.” she said, “you are an imbecile.”

I thought for awhile, and couldn't come up with any good arguments to the contrary, so I asked her just what, specifically, she was referring to. She said she was referring to the fact that I couldn't possibly offer any helpful scientific information to my readers, and that what little information I did offer them would be “a load of horsefeathers.” She said that when I decided to tackle a topic, I never let ignorance get in my way; I just forged ahead. Then she added that, scientifically speaking, I knew “absolutely nothing about horticulture or agriculture ... or any culture, for that matter.”

Which brings us to this week's topic–pumpkins. Halloween is almost here, and I can assure you that if there's anything I know something about, it is pumpkins. Let the naysayers like Marilyn say nay, I don't care. I have studied the pumpkin and its habits for years.


SCIENTIFIC CLASSIFICATION: The pumpkin, or tuberous groatus, is an invertebate citrus fruit, like the pomegranate, which grows throughout North America and in the mountainous areas of Guam. It is xlosely related to the rutabaga and the horse chestnut. Although it has no nutritional value, it is highly prized for its shape, color and texture, and in the 19th Century was widely used to construct shoes for people with exceptionally fat feet.


HARVESTING THE PUMPKIN: Pumpkin harvesting is no easy task. When the pumpkins ripen in the fall, the Midwestern pumpkin orchards are full of pumpkin pickers with ladders and large baskets who must carefully remove each pumpkin from the tree and lower it, often using a block-and-tackle, to the ground. Many of these pumpkin pickers immigrate across the border from Canada during pumpkin season, and return after the crop is harvested. When pumpkins are allowed to drop from the trees to the ground, they often break open and scatter their seeds before they can mate.


PUMPKIN REPRODUCTION: Those male pumpkins who survive their fall to the ground instinctively search for female pumpkins. The pumpkins are nocturnal creatures where mating is concerned, which is probably just as well. Pumpkin mating is not a pretty process. After mating, the male pumpkins die, and the females deposit their eggs in the ground. Several months later the fledgling pumpkins hatch and sprout.


PUMPKINS AND HALLOWEEN: The connection between Halloween and pumpkins came, indirectly, from Ireland, land of the Ancient Druids. After St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, he drove out most of the Druids. But he could not convince the Irish to abandon their annual All Hallow's Eve tradition, when the spirits of the dead Druids came out and walked the streets, looking for potatoes. The Irish loved their potatoes, and the Emerald Isle was awash in potato salad in the 16th and 17th Centuries. To keep the spirits from causing general mayhem, and also to give the Irish potato farmers a little extra cash, the Irish removed the insides from their spare potatoes, carved little happy faces on them, put a lump of burning coal inside, and set them on their window sills. The potato strategy worked, and the rate of Irish demonic activity fell off sharply up until the mid-1800s, when the Irish experienced the Great Potato Salad Famine, and many were forced to flee to North America, with their demons in hot pursuit. Once here, they found precious few potatoes, but just loads of pumpkins, so they incorporated the pumpkin into their Halloween celebration. The original Irish term for the grinning, illuminated potato, the Jack O'Lantern, gradually worked its way into our language, along with other colorful Irish words like Tramp O'Lean, Crock O'Dial, Bark O'Lounger, and Dulc O'Lax.


CARVING THE PUMPKIN: To properly carve a pumpkin, you must first remove its internal organs, including the heart, spleen and giblets. These are commonly known as pumpkin crud, or kelp. Remember to keep small children and cats away from the pumpkin crud. You do not have to worry about dogs, since they have no appetite for such things. One way of removing pumpkin crud involves cutting a large hole in the top of the fruit and scooping it by hand. This can be unpleasant, so many modern pumpkin carvers simply insert their vacuum cleaner nozzle into a smaller hole and suck the mess out. The problem with the vacuum cleaner approach is that careless pumpkineers often suck their pumpkins flat, which makes the children cry. Plastic pumpkins are always available at your local Halloween Supply Store, but remember that once a candle or a large lump of burning coal is set inside, they tend to melt.


OTHER USES FOR PUMPKINS: There is a small market among vegans for pumpkin seeds, which they feel will give them energy and allow them to drink more latte without damaging their kidneys. Pumpkin pie is a favorite around the holiday season, unless you happen to celebrate your holidays in April, when the pumpkin trees have yet to burst forth with their glorious fruits. The only other use I can think of involves Punkin' Chunkin', where hardy individuals with way too much time on their hands put together a variety of catapults and cannons to see who can propel their pumpkin the farthest. Or furthest, if you prefer. These contests occur every year, all the way from Maine to California, and to date about sixty mobile homes have been destroyed.


THE WORLD'S LARGEST PUMPKIN: Ron Wallace of Greene, RI won the title earlier this month. Actually Ron didn't win it, it was his pumpkin, The Freak II, which he took to the Topsfield (MA) Fair. It weighed 2009 pounds. As I understand it, Freak II was euthanized before the competition, just to avoid the chance of it mating with another giant pumpkin contestant and producing a litter of huge pumpkin offspring which could take over the world by next Halloween.


And my wife thinks I am full of “horsefeathers.” HAH!