Road Apples
Nov. 3, 2008


Suppressing the vote

By Tim Sanders

I like good comedy. Good comedy is rare these days, but I still enjoy it when I can find it. There is nothing more disconcerting, however, than a comedian interrupting his performance to make a political statement You know:

"Now ladies and gentlemen, I have an amusing anecdote to share with you about something which actually happened on the set of my latest movie, a deeply significant cinematic masterpiece called ‘Mr. Noodles meets the Lamprey People.’ The incident involves an Abyssinian camel driver and a minivan just chock full of pork rinds ... but first I’d like to make a serious political statement."

I don’t want political statements from comedians. I want comedy. That’s what they get paid for. According to a recent scientific survey which I just conducted in my own mind, the American public wants funny guys to be funny. We don’t give a rat’s behind about their political views.

And when it comes to singers, that same survey indicates that most Americans, with the exception of the tone-deaf, hip-hoppers and beagles, want singers who sing well. Linda Ronstadt, for example, is one of my all time favorite singers. She may be dumb as a stump, or she may be a regular paragon of wisdom, but none of that interests me. What does interest me is that when she sings "Desperado" or "Blue Bayou," I get a tingle up my leg just like the one Chris Matthews gets when Barack Obama clears his throat. But not being an MSNBC host, I’m not the least bit interested in her political agenda. Had I been one of those folks who attended her performance a few years ago at the Aladdin Theatre in Las Vegas, I’d have been a little ticked off when she interrupted her concert to make an impromptu political speech. "Hey, Linda, I paid good money to hear you sing. I can get lectures for free at home."

That is why I don’t endorse political candidates in this column. Oh sure, I have plenty of very strong political opinions, but my readers would not be impressed by my political acumen. Besides, if you’ve paid attention, you’ve probably already figured out where my sympathies lie. I dislike most politicians, regardless of their party affiliation.

But tomorrow is election day, and I’m faced with either completely ignoring one of the most monumentally important presidential elections since the last one, or trying to write something which at least appears to be even-handed and impartial, like the rest of the media does (sorry, I just threw that in for humor’s sake). So I decided to devote this column to reasons why, despite what you may have heard, the notion that every single American should vote is just plain goofy.


PEOPLE WHO SHOULDN’T VOTE


1. If you’ve already voted seventeen times, you shouldn’t vote on election day. I don’t want to be persnickety about this, but I think seventeen is a good place to stop. You’ve already done more than your share. Give somebody else a chance.

2. EXCEPTION: If you voted early, but now want to change your vote, this should be allowed. I’ve never really understood early voting. Things change. If a person votes early, and then a week before the election he learns that his candidate could not find an intern or a page, and instead has just been caught making romantic overtures to a goat grazing on Capitol Hill, then what? Then he’s still stuck with that stupid vote which he cannot retract, that’s what! That is unfair. Early voters deserve the option of a do-over.

3. If the address on your voter registration is Park Bench No. 43 in Cleveland, you should not be allowed to vote again in Toledo unless you bring your park bench with you.

4. If you think that being required to wear clothing at the polling place amounts to voter intimidation, you should probably stay home.

5. If you believe you have a constitutional right to federally funded breast implants, and your name is Harold, you shouldn’t vote.

6. If you’re not sure, but you think you heard that the Electoral College was going to raise tuition rates next semester, you should definitely stay home on election day.

7. If you really believe that President Roosevelt reassured the American public in a televised address after the stock market crashed in 1929, you might want to stay home and study up for the next go around.

8. And speaking of vice presidential candidates, if when you heard that a couple of gay guys in California hanged Sarah Palin in effigy you went to your atlas to find out just exactly where Effigy, California was, you should certainly stay home on election day.

9. If one of the voices in your head sounds a lot like Shirley MacLaine, and she encourages you to vote for "my good friend Millard Fillmore," stay home and get plenty of rest.

10. If your definition of the Gross National Product involves pickled pigs’ feet, then ... we’ll make an exception in your case.

11. Please stay away from the polls if the only time you use the word "inflation" is when you’re referring to your secret friend Brenda, who lives in a brown plastic bag under your bed.

12. If to you the difference between "soft money" and "hard money" can best be demonstrated by holding a dollar bill in one hand and a quarter in the other, then you may want to go to a good movie instead of voting on election day.

13. If you know for a fact that Karl Marx was Groucho’s older brother, stay home on election day.

14. Regardless of your opinion of George W. Bush, if you think he’s personally responsible for Hurricane Katrina, global warming, your painful hemorrhoids and a large percentage of the Osmond family, don’t cast your ballot. Take it to the institution with you. Save it for a rainy day.

15. If your answer to each and every one of the poll worker’s queries is "no comprende," then ... well, then you wouldn’t be reading this anyway, would you?


So to those of you who are well-informed and about to vote, I salute you. Here’s hoping that the morons stay home. It’s their civic duty.