Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Nov. 5, 2012
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Brainstorming in the Booth Leonard and Waylon have been friends for years, and most Saturday evenings they sit in the same booth at the same rural Alabama restaurant and discuss important issues. Over the years they've solved many of the world's problems from that very booth. In 2004 they devised a brilliant way of bringing the Iraq War to a speedy conclusion using Howitzers loaded with Canadian bacon, and in 1998 they concocted a scheme to end global warming by mandating that people with window air conditioners turn their units around for three days each week. But their crowning achievement was when, in the fall of 1992, they rearranged Gene Stallings' defensive line using simple diagrams scrawled on a paper napkin, which eventually brought Alabama a national championship. They didn't agree on everything, but by the weekend they usually managed to lubricate their mental wheels with enough whiskey to allow their imaginations to take flight. Last weekend Leonard and Waylon were back at their booth, discussing the cost differential between Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, and which blend was more effective in these difficult economic times for individuals on a limited budget. They were unable to resolve the matter, so they shifted topics. With Sunday just around the corner, and the national election just a few days away, religion and politics naturally came to mind. Waylon was of the opinion that Jesus was a Democrat, but Leonard was having none of it. LEONARD: He wasn't no such thing. They didn't even have Republicans and Democrats back then! WAYLON: If you was to read your Bible, Leonard, you'd know full well that there most certainly was! Didn't you never hear of the Republican's prayer? LEONARD: The who? WAYLON: The Republican's prayer. There was these two men, one of which was a Republican and the other one was a ... oh, you know! LEONARD: Nossir, I don't know! WAYLON: Well, he was a ... a Phar–a Pharatick. Anyhow, they was both at prayer meeting, so the Pharatick he got up on his high horse and said he thanked God that whatever else he might of been, at least he wasn't no Republican. And the Republican when it was his turn he got up and smote hisself and said “God, be merciful to me a Republican,” and God was. LEONARD: And did he become a Democrat? WAYLON: As I remember it, he went home to his daddy and fell on his neck, but they both survived. It's in the book of Zachariah, right after the part where he clumb that walnut tree to see Jesus. LEONARD: Who did? WAYLON: Zachariah! “Zachariah he was a wee little man, and a wee little man was he.” You remember that song, don't you? LEONARD: Oh yeah. Uh ... so where does the Democrats come in? Was the Democrats also Pharaticks? WAYLON: Democrat or Republican ain't the point, Leonard! That there story was a parallel. Speaking of which, I plan to vote early this year. LEONARD: There won't nothing be open 'til Monday morning, and that's only a day away from election day, so it's way too late to be voting early. Besides which, there's never nobody in the firehouse on Monday mornings anyhow. WAYLON: I got to try, just to be on the safe side. LEONARD: What d'you mean? WAYLON: What if I was to get hit by a truck and killed dead Tuesday morning on the way to vote? Then my vote wouldn't count! LEONARD: No, and if you ain't there, alive and well on election day, it ort not count, neither! WAYLON: My Aunt Phyllis she lives in Ohio, and she voted early, Are you sitting there saying her vote don't count? LEONARD: Is she dead yet? WAYLON: If she is, I ain't heard nothing about it. She is very sickly, though. LEONARD: Well, if she can hang in 'til Tuesday, her vote should count. Which ain't to say I'm for it. This early voting is a bad idea all the way around. You know full well that they won't know which ones is dead and which ones isn't when they tally them votes. They'll just toss 'em all into a bin, dead ones, live ones, and all. Long as there ain't no hanging chads, they'll pass muster. If this year you can vote two months early, then four years from now when the lawyers get hold of it, it'll be twelve months, and it won't be long before dead Civil War veterans will be popping up and voting. You know it as well as I do, Waylon! WAYLON: So what if they make it so that if you vote early, you still got to show up on election day just to prove you ain't dead yet? That would solve the whole problem, wouldn't it? LEONARD: Then what's the point of voting early if you still got to show up and prove you're alive on election day? Besides which, you'd probably need a doctor's note and a photo ID, which is unconstitutional irregardless. And that's only one problem with voting early. There's others. WAYLON: Like what? LEONARD; Let's say your man seems like a good family man when you vote early, but then a couple days before the election he has one of them October surprises and tells the public he has a bad cocaine habit and hates children and NASCAR and he's deep in love with a pygmy goat. You can't change your vote, so now what do you do? WAYLON: If it was two days before the election, it would be a November surprise, wouldn't it? LEONARD: Either way it's all due to early voting! WAYLON: Then how about if we was to pass a law which allowed late voting, too? It only seems fair. If you can vote two months early, how about voting two months late? LEONARD: Where's the percentage in that? WAYLON: That way, you can wait and see how things go on election day, and if they don't go your way, you've got two months to vote and have one of them ... you know. LEONARD: A do over? WAYLON: Yeah, a do over. LEONARD: Hmmmm. Late voting? I think you're onto something, Waylon. Grab a napkin and write that down. Another problem solved. |