Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Nov. 8, 2010

Alabama grammer redux


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Due to popular demand, we promised to never, ever offer another Alabamer Grammar column. But, like most highly trained journalists, we are also highly untrustworthy. And like so many other untrustworthy journalists, when we use the old Q and A format we personally guarantee that each and every question is an actual question from an actual live reader, authenticated by the firm of Price-Waterhorse and kept hermetically sealed in an aluminum alloy tube until exactly fifteen minutes before deadline time. By which we mean the questions are kept sealed in an airtight tube, not the readers themselves. And excuse me, but make that “Price-WaterHOUSE,” not “WaterHORSE.”


Q: Why do so many questions begin with wh- words, like “who,” “what,” “why,” “when,” “which,” and “where?”

A: Those wh-words, called “whistling interrogatives,” have been used since the 12th Century by trial lawyers, journalists and barn owls. In the Middle Ages, before the letter “w” was added to the English language, the exclamatory question “WHAT?” was pronounced “HAT?” which always confused people who weren't wearing one.


Q: I wrote a paragraph for my English class and I mentioned my cousin Clifford who went to school and made a dentist. My teacher who hasn’t never liked me due to that one time when I accidentally spilt them bowl weevils into her coffee in the cafeteria and who doesn’t even know Clifford said “made a dentist” was wrong. My momma she said yes Clifford did too make a dentist and Aunt Louise she said he most certainly made a dentist and he had the diploma to prove it and even our preacher Reverent Nibs he said as God was his witness Clifford Dean Fenton made a dentist because he pulled one of his molers out and he wouldn’t of let nobody but a bonded and certified dentist do that. Now everybody is all worked up and wants to know where Mrs. Deever got her information from and why she is slandering the family name and some of them want to get her fired. I’m sorry I even mentioned Clifford now because to be honest I never liked him much anyway. When he was a little kid he was always prying open my dog’s mouth trying to loosen his teeth with needle nose pliars. I personally think Mrs. Deever is jealous because of her son Norman which dropped out of school and lives in a tree in a park in Sacramento, California. Norman he went to college for nine years and never even made–

A: STOP! Before we get into Norman’s shortcomings, you need to know that “made a dentist” is a Southern colloquialism. Perhaps Mrs. Deever would have accepted your paragraph if you’d added an explanation:


INCORRECT: Clifford went to school and made a dentist.

CORRECT: Clifford went to school and made a dentist. It was a mahogany dentist, and very realistic except for the ears, which were cork coasters attached with brass finishing nails.


Q: I don’t really follow football, but last weekend my husband was watching a college game, and I heard the announcer say: “They’re calling a timeout to ice the kicker.” I asked my husband why anybody would do that since the people in the stands were wearing jackets anyway, and he told me to be quiet and not bother him until the game was over. What did the announcer mean by “ice the kicker”?

A: We’ve been asked that same question by someone very dear to us, and we refuse to answer it again.


Q: I suppose that means you won’t explain the term “milking the clock,” either.

A: Absolutely not.
 

Q: What is a participle, and can you use one in a sentence?

A: A participle is a small piece of something, as in: “Duncan’s headaches were caused by hundreds of tiny okra seeds and ground pepper participles imbedded in his dentures.”


Q: Then what is the difference between a gerund and a verbal, and how would you use them?

A: Gerunds and verbals are small rodents that can be purchased at most pet stores. Like their furry little cousin the hamlet, gerunds and verbals may be used to supply electrical power for small kitchen appliances by training them to run on a wheel. Or you may attach strings to their little tails and use them to lure your pet Burmese python back into his crate.


Q: Did the headline “Numbers of Obese Students Growing Larger” actually appear in a Los Angeles newspaper?

A: We wouldn’t be a bit surprised.


Q: I emailed my brother in Atlanta, and said “I caught Little Leon coating earthworms with grape jelly and feeding them to his beagle puppy Elvis and his mother, so I took them outside and washed them off with the garden hose.” My brother wrote back and told me my note was unclear. Knowing full well what kind of a rotten kid Little Leon is, I’m surprised that he’d say that. So how could I make my message any clearer?”

A: The sentence is worded awkwardly, and it leaves the reader unsure as to just whose mother ate the earthworms, and exactly who was taken outside and washed off. I’d suggest the following: “I caught Little Leon feeding earthworms to Elvis and somebody’s mother, and took most if not all of them outside and hosed them down.”


Please bear in mind that while good grammar is important, obsessing over the English language can be a dangerous thing. If you don’t believe me, consider this:

Poet Sylvia Plath was haunted by dark, brooding thoughts about death, skeletal remains, spurting blood, and serious acne eruptions. On February 11, 1963, she stuck her head into a Japanese gas oven to examine a small metal plate. That plate contained the following instructions: “Person not to remain in oven if lighting pilot fail to occur resulting that person will surely expel deadly gas, please!” Police found a slip of paper on a nearby cupboard containing several futile attempts to diagram that sentence. Sylvia did not live to see February 12, and her ham was never baked.