Road Apples
Nov. 10, 2008


The return of Mr. Mannerly Man

By Tim Sanders

Due to what, just between you and me, seems like way too much interest being paid to inconsequential things like the completion of the Gadsden State campus in Centre, the opening of that new Books-A-Dozen franchise on the Chesnut Bypass, and the recent national election, we here at the Mannerly Man Institute have encountered severe funding problems. These financial setbacks prevented us from publishing any more advice columns until we could afford to get our utilities turned back on. Now, however, donations are starting to trickle in, and we have electricity again, so here goes:


Q: What is the proper way to serve boiled okra?

A: In the late 1700s, boiled okra was always served with wooden spatulas, which the children used to "okra spackle" cracks in the floor when their parents weren’t looking. During the Civil War, boiled okra was placed in unmarked tin containers and force fed to Yankee prisoners to make them divulge Union troop positions. If you have unwanted dinner guests you wish would leave, Mr. Mannerly Man recommends using a large stoneware crock and a bicycle pump.

Q: My elderly Aunt Grace is very blunt. She says whatever pops into her head, regardless of how hurtful it might be. Last week at my cousin’s wedding she pointed to someone in the chapel and said very loudly, "I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a dress like that!" Fortunately the priest she was pointing at had a good sense of humor and only laughed, but when I told her later she shouldn’t say things like that, she said "Well, it’s the truth!" That’s her answer every time she makes a harsh comment. "Well, it’s the truth!" How can I explain to her, in a kind, loving, mannerly way, that, truthful or not, she should keep some of her thoughts to herself?

A: Elderly people often speak their minds without any pretense of diplomacy. Nonetheless, they can be easily offended. You must approach this very delicately. Take your Aunt Grace aside, compliment her on her shoes or her purse, and tell her, "Dearest Aunt Grace, you know that I love you and respect your opinions, but sometimes you should keep that big piehole of yours shut!" If she gasps and sputters, simply say "WELL, IT’S THE TRUTH!"

Q: My wife Celia she has this cousin Bob who lives in Oxford, and when we get together he always likes to brag on first one thing and then another he has done and fancy restaurants he has been to and how his children are all so smart and not a one of them has ever been in prison or even locked up overnight like our boy Earl was for something which it turned out he didn’t do but which Bob won’t ever let us forget about irregardless. Bob has more opinions than a dog has fleas, and is always proud to share them. Politics, economics, religion, fine dining, automobile mechanics, health care, you name it and he’s an expert. So last Monday evening we took Bob out to a very nice restaurant, and when I came back from the counter with our tacos he was lecturing Celia and her momma on mortgage rates. So one thing led to another, and he shifted gears from home finance to mobile homes up on cinder blocks and why goats didn’t make good house pets and many other things which wasn’t really none of his business. So anyhow he got louder and louder, and everybody at the other tables was looking at us very resentful like, and when he launched into his stump speech about the recent election, a man at the next table he come over and squeezed three of them little pouches of hot sauce all over Bob’s head. So Celia she asked me if I was going to just sit there and I said of course not and handed Bob a handful of napkins. I was very polite about it, and even helped him clean out his ear, but Celia she thinks we should also offer to pay for the stains on his shirt. What do you think, Mr. Mannerly Man?

A: We here at the Mannerly Man Institute would like to know if that restaurant has a surveillance video of the incident, and if so, where we could get a copy. We also feel that Bob’s critical comments about your pet goat were unwarranted, and unless he apologizes you should not be expected to pay for his cleaning bill.

Q: My neighbor Wendell he comes from a long path of logical liars. He’ll be more than happy to tell you about how he was a Navy Seal and won the Medal of Honor but somebody stole it off his wetsuit, how he sang with the Beach Boys before they become famous, how he once dated Ann Margaret, and how he shared a cab from Detroit to Toledo with Mother Teresa and she wouldn’t rest until he taught her the lyrics to "Little Deuce Coupe." So anyhow last week we was talking over the fence and he was telling me about how back in the early ‘60s he was sitting in a bar talking to some poor feller name of Del Shannon who was very despondent at the time. He said Del told him how he had once been a successful handyman but this little town flirt he was in love with had run away with his best friend Larry who also stole his hat right off his head. So Wendell he said how he told Del he bet there was a song or two in there somewhere, and Del said Wendell was a genius, scribbled something down on a bar napkin, and the rest was history. So later that evening it come to me that Wendell must think I’m dumb as a sackful of hammers to believe all them stories, and it made me mad. So my question is this: Would it be bad manners for me to set his garage on fire?

A: No.

Q: Me and Cheryl we went to her Uncle Monroe’s funeral and it went real good. There was lots of shouting and amens, and the songs was very good except for the part in Great Speckled Bird where Mrs. Bell hit some clinkers on the organ which threw the soloist off and made him say that the bird had his name in her beak ruther than in her book. So when we was leaving I was trying to think of something nice to say to Aunt Edna, and all I could think of to tell her was that we enjoyed it very much and hoped we could do it again real soon. So when we got outside Cheryl she lit into me and said I shouldn’t of said nothing at all if that was the best I could do. What did I do wrong?

A: Not knowing anything about your wife’s late uncle, Mr. Mannerly Man cannot answer that question.


Remember, dear readers, that the best things in life are free, and that includes manners. Advice, however, will cost you two bucks per question. We here at the Mannerly Man Institute accept Visa, Mastercard, and PayPal.