Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Nov. 15, 2010

Mid-November musings


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Last Thursday afternoon I sat at my computer, doing nothing. I’d been trying to select a topic for this week’s column, but I was distracted by more important matters.

I was distracted with the Cam Newton scandal, and was having trouble focusing on anything other than whether he’d play in Saturday’s game against Georgia, and whether his play would be affected by the charges, and whether he’d still be a viable Heisman candidate. Of course I couldn’t write about Auburn or Cam Newton because a) there was nothing funny about the allegations, b) by the time the paper came out on Monday the whole situation could have changed completely, and c) one other reason which has slipped my mind.

I decided to check late breaking, non-football news, and ran across an official press release from Deputy Police Chief Kevin Woodside of Gurnee, Illinois. The release noted that a 56-year-old Gurnee woman named Carolee Bildsten had been charged with “Theft of Labor/Services for walking out of Joe’s Crab Shack without paying the bill, Pedestrian Under the Influence for walking on public roadways while intoxicated and Aggravated Assault against [an] officer.”

The press release explained that on November 9, at 7:20 p.m., an employee of Joe’s Crab Shack called police complaining that Ms. Bildsten had left without paying her bill, and when an officer found her outside and escorted her to her nearby apartment to retrieve some money from her dresser drawer, she attacked him. More specifically, she “opened [the drawer] and reached inside and remeoved a ‘clear, rigid feminine pleasure device’ and held it over her head and approached the officer in a threatening manner.” It was an interesting choice of weapons, but the lady’s mug shot gave no indication of what, if anything, was going through her mind when she armed herself with that lethal sex toy.

And speaking of police reports, “The Smoking Gun” website, dated November 10, offered an apology to readers who might have been misled by an earlier report they’d published entitled “Mouse Found Lodged Inside Naked Arrestee.” Their original posting said that a naked 24-year-old South Carolina man named Noah Smith was arrested during a home burglary on Saturday, November 6. The police report indicated that after he was subdued with pepper spray, batons, and a Taser, he was taken to a local emergency room, where a mouse was found lodged in his ... well, in a portion of his anatomy. The Smoking Gun offered the following correction:


“According to cops, the mouse recovered was of the computer variety (not, as we initially reported, a pint-sized mammal). Sorry for the confusion ...”


The dozens of resulting Internet news reports, were due to a police typo which had replaced the phrase “mouse cord” with “mouse could,” referring to something which was found hanging from the suspect’s hindquarters by emergency room personnel.

The Smoking Gun article concludes: “Deputies noted that witnesses surmised that Smith ‘was most likely under the influence of mushrooms.’ Smith was charged with burglary, assault, resisting arrest, and indecent exposure.” Thankfully, at least Mr. Smith won’t face the additional charge of animal cruelty.

But I know what you’re thinking: “Those were important, timely stories last Thursday, November 11, but what about today, which is November 15? Well, here are a few November 15 facts which may or may not be more timely, depending on how you look at them:


• On November 15, 1806, Zebulon Pike first spied the famous peak in Colorado which now bears his name: Zebulon Peak.


• On November 15, 1859, the first Wenlock Olympian Games, so named by Dr. William Penny Brookes, were held in, of all places, Wenlock, England. These games were the forerunners of today’s modern Olympics, and according to posters circulated at the time, consisted of “young men running, leaping about, and creating a great, deafening ruckus.” Now, every November 15, British citizens celebrate their annual Burn Dr. Brookes in Fffigy Day. (Effigy, by the way, is located on the UK map just a few kilometers ... or millimeters ... south of Wenlock. But unlike Wenlock, Effigy has its own fire department.)


• On November 15, 1919, Judge Joseph Wapner was born. When his father learned of his birth, he is quoted as saying: “Splendid. I always wanted a judge.”


• On November 15, 1940, Danish actor Ulf Pilgaard was born. Pilgaard starred in the 1995 classic “Farligt Venskab,” which translates, roughly, to “Where is the Oatmeal?” This is of minimal importance, we just like the name Ulf.


• Russell Tyrone Jones was born on November 15, 1968. Jones was a founding member of the hip-hop group Wu-Tang. Realizing that a hip-hopster, or hopper, couldn’t possibly succeed with a silly sounding name like Russell Tyrone Jones, and noting that the name “Ulf Pilgaard” was already in use, he created instead the attractive stage name Dirty Ol’ Bastard. Bastard died in 2004, and we all miss him. Or not.


• On November 15, 1971, Intel released the world’s first commercial single-chip microprocessor, the 4004. Two days later Intel released the second commercial single-chip microprocessor, the 4004.5 Vista, rendering the 4004 obsolete.


• And finally, November 15 is America Recycles Day. This holiday was created to celebrate adult Americans who gave up cycling in their early teens, but due to exorbitant gasoline prices have purchased bicycles and are now wearing those absurd looking Flash Gordon helmets and recycling up and down the country’s highways, annoying motorists. At least I think that’s what it is.


There, that is, or was, the best I could do last Thursday. By the way, no matter how this NCAA Cam Newton investigation turns out, I know, deep down in the Orange and Blue pit of my War Eagle stomach, that Florida coach Urban Meyer is responsible. I’d never trust a guy named “Urban” who lives outside of town in a palatial gated community estate.

That's my story, and I’m sticking to it.