Road Apples
Nov. 16, 2009


 Bargain holiday gifts from the Grammar Workshop

By Tim Sanders

Shakespeare’s Hamlet once said “To be or not to be, that is the question. I before E, except after C, that is the answer.” Then he stabbed himself with a bare bodkin and shuffled off his mortal coil, which we believe wound up in a clock tower in Copenhagen. Shortly thereafter one of Shakespeare’s other characters–I think it was Stanley Kowalski–said “Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.” We are not sure what he meant by that, but it probably was a reference to Hamlet’s remains.

Whatever the case, Shakespeare understood the importance of grammar, and often said “Any fool can lead a horse to water, but if you can teach him to diagram a sentence, then you’ve accomplished something, forsooth!” So we forge ahead.


Q: I’ve heard people call Shakespeare “the Bard.” What is a “bard,” and can you use it in another context?

A: In Shakespeare’s time, “the Bard” simply meant “the bird.” In modern Southern dialect, “bard” is often used as follows: “I bard Duane’s riding mower last week, and would of brung it back already if I hadn’t of run over the curb in front of the liquor store and bent the blades real bad.”


Q: In a recent column, a grandmother asked what “the diggity bomb” meant, and you gave some rambling, ridiculous answer about exterminators using it to rid people’s homes of “diggities.” With all due respect to you and your correspondent, the actual phrase is “da bomb diggity,” and it is a hip-hop term. Define that, you boob!

A: We can’t. We readily admit that we here at the Grammar Workshop don’t know diggity bomb from bomb diggity, or hip-hop from hop-hippity, for that matter. We do, however, understand more meaningful phrases like Perry Como’s immortal “hot diggity, dog diggity, boom,” and “hip replacement,” which should tell you something about our age.


Q: You don’t like hip-hop?

A: It makes us want to drive railroad spikes into our ears.


Q: What does “on the other hand” mean, and can you use it in a sentence?

A: “On the other hand” is a phrase commonly used to separate two conflicting ideas in a sentence, as in: “On the one hand there was a combination of bejeweled opulence and fastidious attention to detail, while on the other hand there was nothing, because Doreen had lost it in a horrible Veg-a-matic accident the year before.”


Q: What does it mean when my brother-in-law says something or other got his dander up?

A: “Got my dander up” is a Dutch phrase which indicates that the speaker’s dander was down until something aroused it. Last month we heard of a lady named Margaret Nestlerode in Kalamazoo, Michigan, whose husband consumed too many bean burritos at their favorite Mexican restaurant. In the middle of the night her husband’s gastrointestinal problems got her dander up, and she and her dander held his head under the covers for several minutes. This so traumatized the poor man that when he finally extricated himself he ran, gasping and screaming, from the house, clad only in his boxer shorts. Police were called to the scene and Mr. Nestlerode was hospitalized and heavily sedated. Mrs. Nestlerode is now attending Dander Management classes.


Q: We here at the Defense Department thought that Dander was one of Santa’s reindeer.

A: That’s another possible explanation.


Q: I just read the following headline: “Investigators Find Crack in Leesburg.” Should I be worried?

A: Unless it’s in Weiss Dam, probably not.


Q: Did Nancy Pelosi actually say: “Every single House member should at least read part of the bill all the way through?”
A: Most likely.


Q: Why?

A: Orders from the mother ship.


Q: Is it true that before her congressional career Mrs. Pelosi was an accomplished film actress?

A: Our sources tell us that she appeared in the Mel Brooks classic, “High Anxiety.” I believe she played Nurse Diesel.


Q: My neighbor said: “I’m better’n I been a’ bein’ but I still ort to of stayed at home ‘til I wuz at myself again or either the weather lets up, one.” Could you clarify that sentence for me?

A: Not without explosives. We’re still trying to figure out where Loretta Lynn stoled the line “I was borned a coal miner’s daughter” from.


Q: My friend Earl he said his wife told him there wasn’t enough room to swing a cat in their new mobile home. Why would she want to of swung a cat in there, anyhow?

A: During certain times of the month, mysterious hormonal eruptions make women restless and irritable. Cats often become restless and irritable for no reason at all. If a restless, irritable woman and a restless, irritable cat wind up in the same general vicinity, the smaller of the two will probably get swung. If Earl’s wife cannot swing their cat inside the mobile home, she should simply snatch it up by the tail, take it outside and swing away. Earl would be well advised to take a nice, quiet walk until things calm down.


Remember that the holiday season looms ahead, and many relatives and friends would certainly value a brightly wrapped, grammatically correct sentence from you. If you have grammar questions and would like to receive a plethora of informed, high quality, well researched answers, then we’d advise you to contact someone else. If, on the other hand, you are not quite so fussy and will settle for second-rate, second-hand answers at bargain prices, then the Grammar Workshop is the place for you.