By Tim Sanders

It is that time again, when readers just like you have their etiquette questions answered by Mr. Mannerly Man, Chancellor and CEO of the Cherokee County Mannerly Man Institute. Before we begin with our Thanksgiving Q and A session, let me apologize for the fiasco which was supposed to be last month’s groundbreaking ceremony at the site of the new Gaylesville Mannerly Man Campus. We will admit that the watermelon was a tad overripe, but the Vienna sausage hors d’oeuvres were fresh from the can, regardless of what you may have heard. Nor was it our fault that those who brought their own beverages did not follow our advice and steer clear of hard liquor. But regardless, we are the Chancellor, and we live in the official Chancellor’s Mobile Home, also known as Mr. Mannerly Man Manor, so we apologize. We would like to add that our apology should in no way be interpreted as an admission of liability for any hospital bills incurred during the food fight which followed the invocation.

Q: Since we’re having Thanksgiving dinner at our place this year, should me, Daddy, or Pa Paw carve the Thanksgiving squirrel?

A: Whoever has the sharpest pocket knife.

Q: Last night me and Irene we went to her momma’s for dinner. Some of the cousins was there, and we was all eating, and nobody was saying nothing, and well this made Irene nervous, so the tells her momma, right in front of God and everybody, that her arugula sure smells fresh and lovely. Well, you could of heard a pin drop, and her daddy nearly choked on his dinner roll. So to help Irene out, I said since we was talking about such things, how was her daddy, swollen prostrates doing? Irene she told me I ought not to bring that up at the table, and I told her oh yeah well she was the one who was talking to her momma about feminine hygiene, and one thing led to another and we finally decided to go home early. So anyhow I figured I better come up with something to talk about at our Thanksgiving dinner, just to keep Irene from embarrassing herself with any more of that personal hygiene talk. Have you got any suggestions?

A: Good dinner conversation is always helpful, but we prefer safer subjects, like the weather, football, or Christmas plans. If you are seated next to your wife and you feel that she is about to say something embarrassing, a subtle kick in the shin would be appropriate.

Q: Sometimes I get gravy on my shirt, but my wife won’t let me stick my napkin into my collar to catch it. She says it’s proper to put the napkin in my lap, but I don’t ever spill gravy on my lap, only on my shirt. Can you tell me where I should stick my napkin?

A: We could, but we won’t.

Q: Daddy and Momma are Alabama people. It’s Roll Tide this and Roll Tide that at their house all the time. They even got a life-size statue of the Bear, which Momma made herself out of chicken wire and paper mache, in the hallway. My brothers and sisters and their children are all Alabama people too. I married a woman who took a semester at Auburn, so Lucille and me and the kids is Auburn fans. So last Thanksgiving when we went to Daddy and Momma’s for dinner, Momma had everybody sit around the big table except for me and Lucille and the kids. Momma set up a card table for us in what she calls her Gene Stallings kitchen because of the velvet picture of him above the spice rack, and said "you Auburn people can eat in here next to old Gene. It might do you some good." Then she laughed that nasty little laugh of hers. So after everybody had got them a piece of turkey at the big table, she brung us in what was left. Something about them scraps didn’t look right to me, but she said it was all right, it was only turducken. Now I knowed good and well that a turducken was a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. But Luther, our least one who is only seven, all he heard was that turd part, and he set up squalling and said he wasn’t eating none of it, and Na Na didn’t like us anyhow because we was Auburn people and that was why we always had to sit at that stupid card table, and Momma she said he ort to shut up about Auburn long as we was in the Stallings kitchen, and Lucille she told Momma we could solve that right quick. So Lucille she told Luther and Leanne and Ludlow to get out to the car and we went to the Mike Shula bedroom and got our coats and walked right down the Bear Bryant hallway, out the Bill Curry door, down the Ray Perkins porch steps, across the Nick Saban astro-turf front yard and left and went to Jack’s for dinner instead. So my question is, what should we do this Thanksgiving, so things run smoother at Momma’s?

A: Eating out for Thanksgiving dinner is your best bet. Your finer restaurants don’t discriminate against Auburn people. In fact, I hear that the Hardee’s Tommy Tuberville toasted ham and cheese sandwich is delicious.

Q: Uncle Bart he always gives thanks before our big Thanksgiving meal, but he don’t know when to quit. He gets way too thankful, and thanks the Lord for our family, the children, each and every one of which he names, them who care for children in orphanages, other people’s families, missionaries laboring in foreign lands, the beauty of nature, Medicare, the blessings of modern science, PVC pipe, and so on and so forth. He rattles off each and every bounty he can think of, too. He starts out kind of quiet, but eventually he warms to his subject and cranks the volume up. By the time he gets around to thanking God for the food, and naming everything on the table including the silverware, everybody is very restless because the turkey is getting cold and the gravy is starting to congeal. This year we were thinking of having him wait until after the meal to give thanks. Is this proper, or will our food back up on us if it starts to digest before the blessing?
A: I don’t think there would be any problem with giving thanks after your meal, but you should remember that the Jets are playing the Cowboys at 4:15 EST on CBS, so you’ll want to make sure he winds down before kickoff time.

Remember, readers, Christmas is just around the corner. If you have any questions about Christmas etiquette, don’t hesitate to send them in. Our comments last time about accepting only cash donations were just a feeble attempt at humor. We also accept money orders and personal checks.