Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Nov. 19, 2012

Another Thanksgiving Day quiz

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This is a public service column, dedicated to all of the Auburn fans out there (of whom I am one) who do not even want to think about the upcoming Iron Bowl. We know, without a doubt, that barring some divine intervention, like for example an epidemic of dysentery or a major earthquake hitting the campus in Tuscaloosa, Auburn will have nothing to be thankful for this weekend. So instead we'll distract ourselves with a list of Thanksgiving Day questions and answers, not a single one of which has anything to do with college football.


THE PILGRIM FATHERS LEFT ENGLAND AND SAILED TO AMERICA DUE TO:

1. The Pilgrim Mothers, who kept saying “You never take us anywhere!”

2. Hardships brought on by The Great English Tobacco Famine.

3. Lax American immigration laws and poor border enforcement.

4. A desperate need to retain their inalienable, God-given right to wear funny hats.


IN 1620 THE MAYFLOWER ARRIVED ON THE COAST OF MASSACHUSETTS RATHER THAN VIRGINIA BECAUSE:

1. The Pilgrim Mothers were navigating.

2. Besides, they'd heard so much about “Old Cape Cod” that they just had to see it.

3. And there were no Cracker Barrels at the Jamestown exit, anyway.


THE FAMOUS ROCK WHERE THEY LANDED MOST CLOSELY RESEMBLED:

1. A Buick.

2. A Volkswagen Beetle.

3. A Plymouth Belvedere.

4. Sir Walter Raleigh.

5. An exceptionally large potato.


THE MAYFLOWER COMPACT WAS:

1. A small, flat case containing facial powder, a mirror, and a parakeet feather.

2. A tiny, scale model of the Mayflower used as a movie prop.

3. The first governing document of the Massachusetts Bay Colony, which contained British legal words like “heretofore,” “inasmuch,” “henceforth,” “notwithstanding,” and “toad-in-the-hole.” It was 2,700 pages long, and the Pilgrims were told they had to sign it first in order to know what it meant ... later. Aside from the part about raising taxes, to this day no one knows exactly what the document contained.


WHAT DOES THE NAME “MASSACHUSETTS” MEAN?

1. It is the Algonquin Indian name for “Land of 10,000 lakes,” unless the people in Minnesota get wind of it.

2. It is the Algonquin Indian name for “Land of 10,000 Kennedys.”

3. It is the Algonquin Indian name for “place of big tiny little blue green purple hills which resemble mountains if you squint really hard and use your imagination.”


SQUANTO WAS:

1. What was left on the ground after a flock of turkeys roosted in your maple trees.

2. An old Patuxet, or possibly a Nantucket, or maybe an old Oakenbucket Indian who helped the Pilgrims avoid disaster during that first, horribly cold winter of 1621 by supplying them with life sustaining pine cones, acorns, and gravel.

3. The Lone Ranger's short, swarthy Indian companion, who was always being sent into town to get the stew beat out of him by an irate mob while the noble masked man sat near his nice, warm campfire wearing his silly tights and that stupid Halloween mask, eating beans.


ROASTED TURKEY WAS SERVED AT THE FIRST THANKSGIVING MEAL BECAUSE:

1. Large flocks of roasted turkeys roamed the primeval forests of Massachusetts in those days.

2. Experiments with boiled owls had proven unsatisfactory.

3. Squirrel carving had not yet been perfected.

4. There's hardly any meat on your average sparrow, and you need tweezers to pull the wishbone.


WHY DID THE FIRST THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION IN 1621 LAST FOR THREE DAYS?

1. Christmas shopping never started until December back then, anyway.

2. The Pilgrim Fathers, displaying the foresight which has characterized American men for nearly four centuries now, had brought a quarter pound of dried beef with them from England for nourishment. And 180 casks of beer.

3. Tryptophan overdose.


SPEAKING OF TRYPTOPHAN, WHERE SHOULD YOU INSERT THE TURKEY THERMOMETER?
1. In the kitchen.

2. It depends on how active he is.

3. Under his wing, assuming he's no longer using it.

4. Where the sun never shines, down there in the giblet area.


WHICH GOVERNOR REFUSED TO DECLARE THANKSGIVING A STATE HOLIDAY, SAYING: “IT'S A DAMNED YANKEE INSTITUTION, ANYWAY!”

1. George Wallace of Alabama.

2. Oran Milo Roberts of Texas.

3. Durward Festion Phelps of Louisiana.

4. Flem “Wrong Way” Corrigan of New Hampshire.


WHICH PRESIDENT WAS THE FIRST TO PARDON A TURKEY?

1. Grover Cleveland Alexander in 1929.

2. Harry S. Truman in 1947.

3. Gerald Rudolph Ford in 1974.


WHAT DOES “SNOOD” MEAN?

1. “Snood” is the past tense of “snoo,” as in “Today I snoo, but yesterday I snood.”

2. I believe Sam Snood was a golfer, and nobody knows what golfers mean.

3. The snood is an unsightly hunk of flesh that hangs from just above the turkey's beak. It turns red and engorges when he struts, but serves no practical purpose. Richard Nixon had an engorged snood.


WHAT DID THE PHILADELPHIA GIMBEL'S DEPARTMENT STORE FIRST DO IN NOVEMBER OF 1920?

1. Sold over 100 pairs of one–legged trousers at a half-off sale.

2. Gave free packs of cranberries and giblets to customers spending over $2.

3. Relocated to Pittsburgh.

4. Held the first Thanksgiving Day parade.


I firmly believe that there are some correct, or almost correct, answers listed in this quiz. If not, it makes no difference, since the important thing in today's world is not whether you know the answers, but how taking any particular quiz makes you feel about yourself. As long as you answered each question, or some of them, or at least did not set anything on fire, we will give you an A and a little smiley face. Your self-esteem will make you swell with pride, and if you are an Auburn fan, you may just remain all swollen until the Iron Bowl drains all the blood from your snood.