Road Apples
Nov. 24, 2008


Thanksgiving gobbledygook

By Tim Sanders

Thanksgiving Day is almost here, and as families all across the country gather to give thanks, the question often arises: What, specifically, are we thankful for? Here are some things on whch I think we can all agree ... on:

1. As we look across the table at our beloved family members, smiling and chewing and retelling those old, familiar stories once again, we can silently give thanks that the football game will start in less than an hour.

2. Likewise, we should all give thanks for the noble chicken. I say this knowing full well that Thanksgiving is not Thanksgiving without the Thanksgiving turkey. But consider this: why is the turkey relegated to one day a year, while the average American consumes approximately 47 tubs of chicken and assorted chicken parts every single month? The answer is obvious–chickens taste better than turkeys. If the turkey were really all that delicious, there would be Kentucky Fried Turkey franchises dotting our national landscape. But can you even purchase Turkey McNuggets at McDonald’s, or Turkey Fingers at your favorite restaurant? Of course not, because only chickens have nuggets and fingers. Turkeys have giblets, which they keep in little pouches in their stomachs because they are ashamed of them. Not to belabor the point here, but it must strike you as odd just how many relatives at Thanksgiving meals say: "My, but this turkey is moist!" You never hear anybody saying "My, but this chicken is moist!" That is because chickens are always moist, due to their lower center of gravity, and therefore nobody ever mentions it. It would be like saying, "My, but that tire is round!" A moist turkey, on the other hand, is as rare as a rectangular tire, and deserves recognition.

3. And speaking of chicken, we should also be thankful, on Thanksgiving Day, that the potato is a natural, free-burrowing mammal. Dressing, on the other hand, is a human concoction composed of dry bread and those things which you find in that pouch in the turkey’s stomach. You put gravy on potatoes because potatoes, which just naturally taste good, taste even better with gravy on them. Dressing, on the other hand, requires gravy to hide the fact that it is compressed mulch. Originally the substance we now call "dressing" was used only to decorate or "dress" the plate, and, much like those sprigs of parsley restaurants put on your steak, it was not intended for human consumption. Yes, we eat it now, but just like turkey, dressing is mainly reserved for special occasions when there are lots of people at the table and therefore something inexpensive yet filling is needed. Dressing is there for the bulk. My guess would be that Jimmy Hoffa’s body will never be found because he was weighted down with several pounds of cornbread dressing just to make sure he never broke loose from his concrete moorings and floated to the top of the Detroit River.

4. And this Thanksgiving we should all give thanks that we, or most of us, anyway, do not have brain worms. Which is not to say we should relax, because Thanksgiving Day is not over yet and the threat is real. Perhaps I should explain:

According to a Nov. 20, 2008 Fox News article, an Arizona woman named Rosemary Alvarez noticed numbness in her left arm and blurred vision, so she visited the local emergency room where an MRI indicated she had a tumor on her brain stem. When she was sent to Barrow Neurological Institute in Phoenix for surgery, neurosurgeon Dr. Peter Nakaji did not find a tumor in Rosemary’s brain, only a worm. It was still alive, perfectly healthy, and put up an admirable tussle when the doctor removed it. I know that because I watched the video of the surgery on the Internet. I couldn’t estimate the worm’s size, but it looked way bigger than any worm I’d want munching away in my brain. Dr. Nakaji says he has removed five brain worms in the past few months. People take these freeloaders on board by eating undercooked pork, or by coming in contact with people who didn’t wash their hands after using the bathroom.

So if nothing else, you may be thankful that you’ve been warned to avoid both undercooked pork and Uncle Ned at this year’s Thanksgiving meal. Better safe than sorry, after all.


And as we reflect on the true meaning of Thanksgiving, we are reminded of that holiday’s history. We are reminded of all of our Pilgrim forefathers and foremothers who boarded the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria and sailed off into the ocean blue in 1492 and ... no, wait, that was Columbus. The Pilgrims sailed much later, aboard the Atcheson, Topeka, and the Santa Fe, all of which finally ran aground on Plymouth Rock which in those days was located in Plymouth Harbor. And shortly thereafter it was the brave Captain Miles Standish who first set foot on that slippery rock, and immediately became known among his comrades as the brave Captain Miles Pratfallish. It was Miles who said, "Say, this rock is really moist. I think Plymouth Rock would be a fine name for a chicken." But after a year of high unemployment, double-digit inflation, and very low consumer confidence, the Plymouth colonists were discouraged and also very hungry. They’d found no chickens, only turkeys. And their turkeys were not moist, and their cranberries were all withered, so they devised a plan. They shredded some old parchment and dried leaves and bits of pine knots into "dressing" and summoned their faithful Indian companion Tonto. Make that Squanto. "You and your brethren and sistren are welcome to join us for a traditional Thanksgiving feast," the colonists said, and then added, "providing you can furnish the corn and chicken. And while you’re at it, some green bean casserole, potato salad, sliced ham and pumpkin pie wouldn’t hurt. We’ll bring the mulch–er, dressing." And so the noble red man spread the word to his entire tribe. If I’m not mistaken, Pocahontas, Cochise, and even Geronimo attended the feast.

And yes, you should also be thankful that you have a dependable columnist who is more than happy to share his historical knowledge, especially considering some of the junk they’re trying to pass off as history in our public schools nowadays.