Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Nov. 28, 2011

Torn from today's headlines

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Here are some recent news items. They are the kind that humorists love to find and pass on to others.


• In the November 23 issue of the Toledo Blade was an article entitled “Authorities charge 7 in Ohio with hate crimes in Amish hair-cutting attacks.” Apparently a “breakaway” Amish group felt they had been mistreated by the more orthodox Amish, and decided to take revenge by knocking on the doors of offending Amish folks at night, holding the men down and cutting their hair and beards. The story was interesting for two reasons:

1. When your average Baptist or Methodist attacks somebody with scissors, there will be spleens and livers on the floor. But when the Amish attack one of their own with scissors, that poor guy is in for some serious beard-trimming and hair re-styling, and ...

2. This is an actual quote: “Authorities raided the group in eastern Ohio on Wednesday morning and arrested seven men, including group leader Sam Mullet and three of his sons.” Who would want to roam the countryside restyling Amish hairdos? The Amish Mullets, or course.


• You’ve probably already heard this news story, but for those cynics out there who believe that today’s educators are either incapable of, or unwilling to deal with dangerous student behavior, you need to visit Orange River Elementary School in Lee County, Florida. That is where a teacher, who was unnamed in the November 21 Fox News story, happened upon some schoolchildren engaging in the kind of behavior which, if left unchecked and allowed to spread, could bring society crumbling down around our collective ears. The misdeed occurred on the playground “after two female students were debating over who liked a 12-year-old boy more. At that point, one of the girls walked over and kissed the boy.” That’s right, she KISSED him, and probably kissed him right smack on the mouth, too. The teacher, whom we will call Miss Unnamed, apparently overcame a sudden case of “the vapors” and took immediate action. What did she do, you ask? Let’s make this a multiple choice quiz:

A. She smiled and said, “Ah, how sweet!”

B. She let her mind drift back to that first playground kiss she never got until she was 18, dang it all!

C. She told the children that kissing was not appropriate playground behavior and suggested they take advantage of the broom closet.

D. She sent the offender to the showers, and put Girl #2 into the game.

If you chose any of the above answers, you were wrong, and must stay after school to sponge off the board and clean the felt-tip markers. Here is what Miss Unnamed did: She contacted a school “administrator,” who was just waiting for a chance to administrate something. That administrator was all too aware that 12-year-olds kissing could lead to 13-year-olds kissing, then 14-year-olds kissing, and then 15 and 16-year-olds kissing, and so on and so forth, which would inevitably result in ... well, more 12-year-olds. And since Orange River Elementary School already had way more 12-year-olds than it needed, the administrator, who was also unnamed ... ready for this? He, she, or it called the Florida Department of Children and Families (every state needs one of those), who held a committee meeting, took a vote, and advised him, her, or it to contact the SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT to report the crime. He, she, or it did just that. According to Sgt. Stephanie Eller of the Lee County Sheriff’s Department, two deputies were dispatched to the scene, where they “documented the incident, but determined no crime had been committed.”

And the good Sgt.’s final comment?

“She said no one was arrested.”

So if laxity in modern education is worrying you, rest assured that, at least in Lee County Florida, that laxity may now be a thing of the past. Kind of an ex-laxity.


• The English language offers a world of possibilities, and most journalists like the notion of exploring those possibilities. We look for new and better ways of saying things, and we always admire a well-turned phrase when we encounter it. Take, for example, the following quote from the front page of the Cherokee County Herald Plus. It was printed under an article by Editor Terry Dean which bore the heading: “City of Centre making do with less according to audit report.” Terry was so impressed with the quote that he set it alongside his article, in large italics, so no one would miss it.

“... I was real pleased to see what I saw because it looks like we are doing a little more with less revenue with what we had to deal with. I was real pleased. The council deserves a big pat on everybody’s back as far as what this is showing as far as I am concerned.”

That quote, by Centre Mayor Tony Wilkie, takes the language to new heights, and gives it a kind of vibrant, lyrical quality that we journalists cannot duplicate. If we even attempted to sing that song ourselves, it would sound tinny and off-key.


[NOTE: As Tony may remember from his radio days, I once did a mock interview with Marcel Marceau, the French mime, on a local radio station. Mimes, I reasoned, were much less annoying when you couldn’t see them, so what better medium for a mime than radio? I thought it was a brilliant idea, and although he didn’t say so, I’m sure Tony knew instinctively that it was really stupid and would fall flat. It was and it did. As to the audit report quote, Tony’s tongue simply got in front of his eye teeth, and he couldn’t see what he was saying. It happens to all of us.]