Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Dec. 12, 2011
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Gifts that keep on giving Over 2,000 years ago, even the three wise men, Hart, Schaffner and Marx, had trouble deciding on just the right gifts for the baby Jesus. HART: I’m getting him gold. Its market value is already up 20% this year. You can’t go wrong with gold. SCHAFFNER: Well, it wasn’t easy, but I found a real bargain on frankincense at Candles R Us in suburban Jerusalem. MARX: I dunno. I’m thinking of ... maybe a squeaky toy. HART: “... and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and A SQUEAKY TOY?” Give me a break. How’s that gonna sound to posterity? SCHAFFNER: How about a nice bottle of myrrh? They’re having a two for the price of one sale at Nehemiah’s Nursery Shop just down the street from the temple. As you can see, sometimes you need a committee to help solve your gift problems. Here are some interesting modern gift ideas, all of which were thought up by the enormous minds at large entities like school systems, corporations, and federal agencies. They are offered in the spirit of the season. Sort of. • NO BUSINESS LIKE SNOW BUSINESS - People born in the South are enchanted by snow. They love it, and when it falls down here they call and congratulate each other, and despite the fact that an inch or two of the stuff will result in power outages and road closings and bring life as we know it to a grinding halt, they say things like, “Oooh, I hope it lasts forever!” I was born and raised in western Michigan, where snow is great when you are a kid, mainly due to school closings. But when you reach maturity you realize that six or seven months of the stuff is way more than enough. Which is to say that when a native Michigander sits and gazes out his window at eight-foot snowdrifts and thinks about just what he’d like for Christmas, a Snow Cone Machine isn’t generally at the top of his list. But if you are really serious about fighting terrorism here at home, the Western Michigan Shoreline Regional Development Commission (WMSRDC), an agency responsible for managing the homeland security program in 13 Michigan counties, is ready with a fine Christmas present for you this year–a $900 Arctic Blast Sno-Cone machine. In her December 2 Greenville Daily News article, Elisabeth Waldon points out that “The WMSRDC recently purchased and transferred homeland security equipment to these counties–including 13 snow cone machines at a total cost of $11,700.” There is a very attractive photo of the Montcalm County machine, which appears to be the very kind of equipment Michigan counties need to frighten terrorists. This, I guess, is to prepare for the unlikely prospect of an entire Michigan winter without enough actual snow on the ground to arm local residents with those old, reliable hand-held, surface-to-air, anti-terrorist snowballs. • THE GIFT OF FROSTBITE - And speaking of really timely, environmentally significant (TRANS: Stupid) December gift ideas, here’s a December 6 Fox News article that would make Al Gore clasp his Academy award to his breast and shiver with joy: “BRITISH PRINCIPAL TURNS OFF HEAT TO CLASSROOMS AMID NEAR FREEZING TEMPERATURES Amid nearly freezing temperatures, a principal reportedly turned off the heat at Ansford Academy in England to show how the school could reduce its carbon footprint. Principal Rob Benzie came under fire from staff and parents who called the plan ‘beyond stupid,’ according to The Sun. ‘I’ve never worked in such cold,’ one teacher told The Sun. ‘I’m all for saving the planet, but this was barbaric.’ Students donned coats, hats and scarves in their classrooms as the temperature dropped to 34 degrees. ‘Turning the heat off in December is just mental,’ one parent told The Sun. Benzie defended the experiment, which he said was an idea pitched by students in the school’s eco-group. ‘I’d like it to be a regular event. We have too much heating – sometimes I have to turn it down as it can make students fall asleep,’ Benzie told The Sun.” I saw a photo of Principal Benzie on The Sun’s Internet site, and if he is representative of teachers in that UK school, I think that something other than the heat is making those students fall asleep. Our school in Michigan did not have any eco-groups, but we did have a couple of concerned elementary school students who cared so deeply about the environment that they put Limburger cheese in the heating ducts one chilly December morning. You know, to see if Middleville was ready for global stinking. It wasn’t. Class, in one room at least, was dismissed for the day. • A GIFT WE ALL CAN APPRECIATE - Speaking of the environment, the following headline from the December 1 edition of The Blaze says it all. “COKE CANCELS GLOBAL WARMING-THEMED CANS AFTER OUTCRY AND CONFUSION.” Obviously those preachy white cans adorned with emaciated polar bears drifting on ice floes weren’t putting consumers in the holiday mood. Thanks, and a Merry Christmas to the geniuses at Coke. • SOMETHING FOR THE OLD FOLKS - Remember how Grandma scowled at Grandpa all through Thanksgiving dinner? Remember how Grandpa wouldn’t eat his cornbread dressing, and just sat there, all dejected and forlorn? Well, the federal government may have just the answer to their problem. [NOTE: Following information is rated PG-35] Yes, this Christmas the gift of what the bureaucrats at Medicare actually classify as a “Male Vacuum Erection System” may be just what the doctor ordered. In a December 6 article in Heartlander, Benjamin Domeneck, managing editor of Health Care News, said that “According to data collected by the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS), Medicare has spent more than $240 million of taxpayer money on pe- [make that personal equipment] pumps for elderly men over the past decade, and will surpass a quarter of a billion dollars this year for costs since 2001.” Grandpa probably won’t want to talk about it, so just drop a hint to Granny. If she hurries, she can start hanging the mistletoe early this year. |