Road Apples
Dec. 14, 2009


 A week's worth of very special holidays

By Tim Sanders

There is more to the holiday season than just Christmas. This week, for example, is a festive time just chock full of things to celebrate.


DECEMBER 13 - This is the date on which we celebrate National Clip-On Ties Day, because that’s when they were invented in 1928. Less than a year later came the stock market crash, which was obviously not coincidental.

December 13 is also National Ice Cream and Violins Day. When I first read this, I thought that perhaps there was a historical connection between ice cream and violins. Maybe in the Victorian era, ice cream was served to people to induce them to listen to chamber music. But I was mistaken. As it turned out, December 13 is National Ice Cream Day and also National Violins Day.

December 13 is also St. Lucy Day, which does not honor Lucille Ball or Charlie Brown’s nemesis, but commemorates a 4th Century saint who came to a bad end (which was a requirement for sainthood back then). St. Lucy had several bad things happen to her, including having to wear candles in her hair, having her eyes removed with a fork, and remaining a virgin for her entire life. Had she known the requirements, she’d probably have settled for a nice floral bouquet.

And December 13 is known as Poultry Day. That is because it is exactly twelve days before the day when the Twelve Days of Christmas officially begins. You are allowed to give your true love a stewed chicken on this day. Or possibly twelve of them, depending on your denomination.


DECEMBER 14 - December 14 is celebrated throughout the nation as Alabama Admission Day. To be perfectly honest, when I first heard of Alabama Admission Day I assumed it was the day when folks like us were required to admit we were from Alabama. Actually, on December 14, 1819, President James Monroe signed a congressional resolution admitting Alabama as the Union’s 22nd state.
December 14 is also National Spay Your Gerbil Day, and National Send a Fruitcake to Your Dentist Day.


DECEMBER 15 - December 15 is National Sleep Comfort Day. We aren’t sure, but we believe that if the Serta Memory Foam Mattress people aren’t implicated in the creation of this holiday, then the Orkin Pest Control people most certainly are.

December 15 is also National Cat Herders Day. As you've probably already guessed, cats strongly object to being herded, and attempts to herd them in the past have always met with disastrous results. But hope springs eternal, and this holiday was invented by a California couple who felt that people who kept alive the dream that one day they’d be able to herd cats, or who actually believed they had herded some in a past life, deserved a holiday, too.


DECEMBER 16 - Speaking of herding cats, in 1969 an ad hoc committee in Key West, Florida, decided to honor Ernest Hemingway by declaring December 16 National Take a Six-Toed Cat Skinny Dipping Day. Sadly, the festivities that year were short-lived due to an unusually high injury rate, and the following year the holiday was canceled in favor of National Visit Your Local Emergency Room Day.
 
December 16 is National Clean Air Day. The holiday was created in 1986 as a coordinated effort to eliminate foul language from our nation’s airwaves, but was doomed to failure. Now it is simply a holiday used to remind schoolchildren about the dangers of smoking in restricted areas or near gas pumps.

December 16 is also National Chocolate Covered Anything Day. This can be a wonderful holiday if the anything you wish to cover with chocolate includes doughnuts, peanuts or cherries. But if the anything you plan to cover with chocolate includes Uncle Leon and Aunt Irma, who always sit around belching after dinner, then the celebration will probably turn ugly.


DECEMBER 17 - December 17 was listed on one website as National Male Syrup Day, which got our attention, but turned out to be a misprint. Actually ir is National MAPLE Syrup Day. We suspect that this holiday was created for citizens who couldn’t afford to cover relatives with chocolate.

It is also National Wright Brothers Day, commemorating the successful 1903 flight at Kitty Hawk, and National Cecil Earkle Laundry Day, commemorating an unsuccessful trip over Niagra Falls in a clothes hamper in 1924.


DECEMBER 18 - December 18 is National Play Bingo Day and, not coincidentally, National Metamucil Day, National Bicarbonate of Soda Day, National Irritable Bowel Syndrome Day and National Fleet Enema Day.

December 18 is National Roast Suckling Pig Day, which has a very nice ring to it.
 
December 18 is also National Wear a Plunger on Your Head Day, during which congresspersons decorate themselves with toothpaste, rolls of bathroom tissue, and various other toilet items. We aren’t sure why, but we believe it has something to do with mounting an insanity defense at some point in their careers.
 

DECEMBER 19 - December 19 is National Oatmeal Muffin Day, National Smores Day, and National Eat a Stack of Pancakes Covered in Maple Syrup Left Over From National Maple Syrup Day ... Day. It is also National Eggnog Day and National Gin and Tonic Day.

And speaking of eggnog and gin and tonic, December 19 is also National Bottoms Up Day. [Insert your favorite Congressman Barney Frank joke here.]


So if you’re getting all antsy about Christmas, and just can’t wait to celebrate something, take your pick. Or if you don’t like our selections for the week, you can make up your own holidays. Everybody else does.