Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Dec. 17, 2012

Best and worst Christmas movies

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People love to make lists. They especially love making lists around Christmas time, because all the books say that making at least one Christmas list is mandatory. Here is my list of really good and really bad Christmas movies. And yes, I've checked it twice.


BEST:

1. IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: This is probably the very best Christmas movie. It is so good, in fact, that most of us are sick of it. But we're not sick of it because it's a bad movie, but only because we've watched it so often over the years. That's because it tells a great story and leaves us with a better handle on what is really important in life. And what was really important to George Bailey, as we all learned, was Zuzu's petals. This movie has a good angel named Clarence Oddbody and a bad banker named old man Potter and even the very first incarnation of Bert and Ernie. If you've watched “It's a Wonderful Life” every Christmas season for the past seventeen years, don't give up on it. Wait for a couple of years and watch it again. It will seem fresh and new to you. Senility is funny that way.

2. A CHRISTMAS CAROL: This classic Dickens tale has been filmed over and over again, but my favorite is the 1951 version, “Scrooge,” starring Alistair Sim. There are no angels named Clarence, but there are plenty of Christmas ghosts who take Scrooge on a wild ride and scare the pantaloons off him. And if you like ghosts named Marley dragging logging chains around and howling, there's one of those, too.

3. HOLIDAY INN: This 1942 film starred Bing Crosby and Fred Astaire, had nothing to do with the hotel chain. It's worth watching just to hear old Bing sing “White Christmas.” It's easy to confuse “Holiday Inn” with the movie “White Christmas,” which also had Bing singing the same song. But that one, made in the '50s, was like most remakes–it stunk. And Danny Kaye played the Fred Astaire part in the second version, and he always bothered me, somehow. I prefer the original.

4. 3 GODFATHERS: This Christmas movie is based on the story of the three wise men, sort of, and stars John Wayne, Harry Carey Jr., and Pedro Amendariz as three cattle rustlers and bank robbers. They find themselves on foot without water in the desert, caring for a newborn infant because of a promise they'd made to his dying mother. This is a good movie because it is directed by John Ford and stars John Wayne, who reveals in the movie that his middle name is Marmaduke.

5. CHRISTMAS VACATION: Of all the Christmas comedies, this one is my favorite. It has the entire Griswold family, including grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even cousin Eddie, with that plastic plate in his head. It is a heartwarming yuletide tale featuring the dog Snots, who is always “yakking” something up under the table, a cat that chews through the extension cord and fries himself, Aunt Bethany, who recites the Pledge of Allegiance before the Christmas meal, and the Griswold house, with enough Christmas lights outside to illuminate the entire state of Illinois and parts of Indiana.

6. BAD SANTA: This one stars Billy Bob Thornton as an alcoholic mall Santa named Willie who, along with his “elf” partner Marcus, disables mall security systems and robs stores after the malls close. Willie takes up with a chubby child, “the Kid,” and because the movie is set at Christmas time, he cleans up his language, gives up alcohol and fast women, abandons his criminal ways, and finds honest work. I only watched the movie once, so I'm not sure, but I believe he becomes a pentecostal preacher. Then again, I may be wrong.


WORST:

1. THE HOMECOMING: A CHRISTMAS STORY: There are two kinds of people in this world–people who like The Waltons, and people who don't. My wife has always been fond of that whole Walton crowd, including John Boy and Daddy Man and Momma Woman and Billy Jim Joe Bob Brudder and Little Martha White Flower Sister and so on and so forth. To make Marilyn happy, I actually sat through almost all of “The Homecoming,” but after about an hour and a half I had to go outside and throw some bricks at a cat to relieve the tension. If you like the Waltons, or if you feel that your blood sugar levels are dangerously low, then you'll love this old TV movie.

2. MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS: This movie features Judy Garland singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas,” and that is why I've never watched it. Judy Garland gives me the creeps. Even when she was young, she looked like she was just teetering on the edge, if you know what I mean. About to lose it completely, go all buggy-eyed and fall into a cataleptic fit. I am not man enough to sit through an entire Judy Garland movie.

3. HOME ALONE: If you like watching people falling downstairs and getting hit in the head with boards and paint cans and falling out of windows and setting their hair on fire with blowtorches, all amidst the discordant bellowing so popular in movies of the early '90s, then this should be your cup of tea. I took my son to see it when it first came to the theaters, and sat next to a couple of kids, one of whom had obviously seen it dozens of times and memorized the entire plot. He kept telling his little friend, “HEY, HERE COMES THE PART WHERE THEY GET HIT WITH THE PAINT CANS,” and “NOW HE'LL FALL DOWN THE STAIRS!” etc. I finally encouraged the children to change seats by threatening to put the narrator into the trash can by the door. But I firmly believe that even without the constant interruption, I would've hated the movie. If Macaulay Culkin had played Tiny Tim and old Scrooge had booted him down a flight of stairs, the entire Cratchit family would have applauded.

4. ERNEST SAVES CHRISTMAS: No comment necessary.


Your list would probably differ from mine, because taste is all relative. And some of my relatives have no taste. They invite me to family reunions, after all.