Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Dec. 27, 2010

Held hostage by inferior autobiographical memory

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I hate to admit it, because a journalist should have a good memory, but my memory stinks. I know people who have excellent memories, and am always amazed when they tell me about events which happened to both of us many years ago which I don’t remember at all. Or worse, if I do remember the event in question, I have the details all screwed up.

Oh, I know that sometimes the things you remember depend on whether or not those events really interested you at the time. But nevertheless, there are still some people whose memories astound me. My mother-in-law, Lola, for example, is a birthday savant. She will mention that one of her second cousins, twice-removed (whatever that means) was born on January 12, 1938, at 5 p.m. and weighed 8 lbs., 3 oz.

“How in the world can you remember that?” you might ask her. That question would be a mistake,, because she would tell you.

“I remember that because Doris Jastrow was born on January 14, 1941, and she weighed a pound and three ounces more.”

And if that were to pique your curiosity as to just who Doris Jastrow is, or was, don’t ask. It would open the door to a mental file full of relatives and near-relatives and neighbors and all of their birthdays, each and every one of which ties in somehow to another, and the list can go on and on. You’d think Lola would just love the “begatting” chapters in the Old Testament, but you’d be wrong. I asked her about that once, and she said they didn’t have enough information to suit her.

I remember my birthday, my wife’s birthday, and our children’s birthdays. I remember my mother’s birthday, because it is also our wedding anniversary, and Marilyn won’t let me forget that. That’s about it for me, birthday-wise. I certainly remember important historical dates like July 4, 1776, December 7, 1941, November 22, 1963, but I take no credit for that. There was a time when those dates were actually taught in public schools.

On December 19, 2010, the CBS “60 Minutes” show explored something called “Superior Autobiographical Memory.” Lesley Stahl interviewed five of the six known cases of the condition, also known as “hyperthymesia.” One subject was a 37-year-old New York City violinist named Louise Owen who can remember every day of her life over the past 26 years. Lesley Stahl would give her a date, and immediately she would tell her which day of the week it was, and what she was doing that day. The woman could even be given a week, for example the last week of February, 1993, and tell her interviewer on which days it rained in New York City. Another subject, who was either a Wisconsin radio reporter or a California TV writer, I forget which, could field a date and rattle off details of whichever Steelers game was played on that day. And if somebody threw in a bogus date, he knew it. The best known of the five, actress Marilu Henner, could go back to any selected date and not only explain which day of the week it was, and what she was doing, but also which pair of shoes she was wearing (and she had a closet full of shoes, too). To a guy with very little recall at all, and only a couple pairs of shoes, it was very spooky.

I wish I had Superior Autobiographical Memory. If I did, I could very easily compile a lengthy list of goofy things that happened in 2010 for a New Year’s column, but I can only remember the following six:

1. On September 24, an Oklahoma City man broke into his ex-mother-in-law’s house wearing high heels and pantyhose. I’d made a note of that, and had planned on exploring the incident further, but all I can find now is that little note. Now that I need it, I don’t remember why he broke into her house wearing what he was wearing, so I’ll have to leave it at that.

2. Another note I’d left myself was something or other about an October Seattle Times report of a 19-year-old woman who stabbed a classmate in her anger management class. If only I could recall the details, I’m sure it would be instructional.

3. In early October, Christine O’Donnell, Delaware senate candidate, ran a TV ad in which she said “I’m not a witch.” I jotted that down, too. I can’t for the life of me remember why.

4. And in my loony political comments file, sometime in March of 2010 (I forget just when), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi held a news conference defending the Health Care Bill and actually (I swear) said the following: “We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it.” I believe she tried to explain the quote later and mentioned low blood sugar, but it was too late. Sort of like former VP Dan Quayle’s belated attempt to explain that of course he knew good and well that “potato” didn’t have an “e” in it. As I remember it, his quote was “I was thinking of okera.”
 
5. I clearly recall Joe Biden’s infamous “Big f-----g deal” comment delivered into an open microphone during the Health Care Bill’s signing ceremony later that same month. I believe I heard White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs blame it all on Biden’s sinuses and an overdose of NyQuil, but I could be wrong.

6. And speaking of clowns, sometime early last week I read that the Frankfurt International Airport in Germany has hired circus clowns to entertain passengers stranded during December’s bitter cold snap and resulting horrendous winter weather. It seemed like a recipe for homicide to me. If I can remember, I’ll follow up on that one.

If my memory were better, this New Year’s column would be better, too. But for now, those six highlights of the past year are the best I could do. When I started this thing, I had a swell idea for a hilarious ending, but it’s already slipped my mind. Maybe next year it’ll come to me.