Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Dec. 31, 2012
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Sharing sunshine I will admit it, “share” is not one of my favorite words. I liked the word when I was a kid, but back then, when Eisenhower and other mastodons roamed the earth, “sharing” involved tangible things. You could share marbles, or crab apples, or worms for fishing, if you had enough of them. What nobody shared back then was ideas. If you wanted to tell somebody something, you told them. But as people learned that other people didn't particularly care to be told things, the touchy-feely crowd decided that instead of actually telling you they were going to tell you something, they would tell you that they wanted to share something with you. Teachers began sharing and professors began sharing and motivational speakers began sharing, and before long it became clear that when somebody wanted to “share” something with you, it wasn't anything tangible like money or a box of chocolates or even half a ham sandwich. No, what they wanted to share was something deep and profound–a thought, or maybe a quotation–that had inspired them, but was of no earthly use to you. In the '70s and '80s, any Amway salesman worth his salt could “share” an entire roomful of unsuspecting neighbors into a coma. But now, in this new electronic age, the word “share” has taken on another meaning, and I don't mind it nearly as much. If you find something on the Internet that you wish to pass on electronically, there will usually be a “share” tab somewhere nearby. That can be good, so now, if I tell you I want to share something electronically with you, that is not the same as telling you in person that I want to share something with you. Not exactly, anyway. The rest of this column is something I want to share with you. If you want something tangible, pretend it is a can of worms. For Christmas, our son David gave Marilyn and me some very nice presents. Among them was a solar powered hybrid lantern. We read the explanatory material, and some of it was very interesting. On one side of the box it described a portion of the device this way (and I quote verbatim): “Solar Panel charging battery in sunlight direct” Below the diagram was a manual, which read as follows: “MANUAL 1. Switch off, put lantern & let solar panel in sunshine directly to get more solar energy to charging battery enough. 2. Turn on the adjustable switch in clockwise direction to get the brightness that you want. Please do not over-turn when switch reach the prevent position. 3. Luminous handle to find it very easy when it is emergency without any light. 4. Please used it at least once every six months. 5. Can be put to a new uses of battery charger for 2PCS Double A rechargeable batteries.” There was no indication anywhere on the box as to where the product was manufactured, but obviously it was someplace where English was spoken only as a second language, and the intricacies of our language were confusing to the inhabitants. My guess was either Cleveland or Detroit, but the rest of the family disagreed. “Read this side,” Marilyn said. I did: “SOLAR POWER LANTERN The Solar Lantern is powered Solar Energy. It is Environmental Protection, Energy-Saving, & Green Power product. The lantern light brightness & working time can adjust on the adjustable switch. The Lantern uses the luminous handle & can very easy to find it when it is emergency without any light. It is made of ABS plastic. Very Mini & portable, take easy, super power & brightness, very suit for indoor & outdoor Activities: Champing, Fishing, Sailing, Hunting, Reading, Writing, Repairing, etc.” So who, you ask, would put together information about a product that is “Environmental Protection, Energy-Saving & Green Power product?” Who would describe it as “Very Mini & portable,” and “VERY SUIT for Champing?” What exactly is “champing,” anyway?” We all voted, and while we did get one vote for the U.S. Department of Energy, in cooperation with the same Senate subcommittee that crafted the Universal Health Care Bill, we decided that if they'd had anything to do with putting that product information on the box, the container for that little six-inch lantern would have to be the size of a missile silo, just to accommodate all the federal regulations and safety warnings. So the other two votes went to the inscrutable Chinese, who love writing product information in their own special style of English, just to mess with our poor Western minds. “Switch on let Solar Power Lantern direct in Green sunshine most in daylight to charging battery much enough & many usings make handle fall off. Please not to fry rice or heave beverage on Solar Panel or operator will let off gas. Go Champing. Make that Cramping! HAHAHAHA!” etc. And, in the spirit of sharing, let me share to you, or with you, that THIS IS NOT A PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT, and the company responsible is Everything Solar, Inc., which, as it turns out, is headquartered either in Mohave Valley, Arizona, Orlando, Florida, or in China, depending on who you choose to believe. |