Oct. 19, 2009
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How to help a friend
From the Pulpit Did you know the first Sunday of August each year is designated as Friendship Day? Considering the valuable role friends play in our lives, the United States Congress, in 1935, proclaimed the first Sunday of August as National Friendship Day. This day has been set aside to recognize your friends and their contributions to your life. I'm thinking that every day should be Friendship Day because not a day goes by that friends aren't helping friends. I've observed that when someone faces a tough time, grieves, feels depressed, or needs advice, the first person often turned to is a friend. When a friend turns to you, what's the best way to help your friend? What follows are some practical tips for helping almost anyone with almost any kind of problem. Your friend needs you to listen. In fact, listening just might be the most essential caring skill. As you listen, pay close attention to what your friend says. Do not constantly interrupt nor be so quick to tell your story or your experiences. Just let your friend talk, then listen. Your friend needs you to keep confidences. The quickest way to destroy a friendship is to violate a confidence, and blab to others what your friend said to you. When a friend confides in you that person has placed great trust in you. Don't violate that trust. Your friend needs you to recognize his or her need for help. Be alert to signals such as chronic sadness, overreactions to seemingly routine annoyances, excessive sleeping, unhealthy eating habits, reckless behavior, or hints of hopelessness. These behaviors signal something is wrong in your friend's life. Attention is needed. Your friend needs you to avoid saying, “I know how you feel.” We might have faced similar experiences, troubles, or crises, but, really, none of us knows exactly what someone else is feeling. You are better to say, “I can relate to that” or “I hurt with you” or “I'm so sorry you are facing this.” Your friend needs you to give advice cautiously. When your friend asks for your advice or opinion, refrain from telling him or her what you think they should do. The better approach is to help your friend clarify available options and choices. If you become an advice giver you might end up being responsible for the advice you gave. Your friend needs you to realize the power of your presence. Ours is a culture of doing and talking. We feel we have to be doing something or saying something appropriate. The ministry of presence is about neither doing nor talking. It's all about just being there. You won't always have pat answers to your friends' questions, and your friends might not even remember the brainy words you spoke. Your friends will always remember that you were present in their times of trouble. Your friend needs you to avoid judging him or her. Responses such as, “you were an idiot to do that,” or “that's the most boneheaded thing I've ever heard,” come across as judgmental. I know when I mess up I feel badly enough about my mistake without having someone remind me of it. Judging a friend only makes your friend feel that much guiltier. Offer acceptance instead of judgment. You don't have to agree with what your friend said or did. The greatest gift you can give to others is unconditional love and acceptance. Your friend needs you to pray for him or her. Ask the Lord to give your friend wisdom, strength, perseverance, discernment, and more. By the way, don't glibly say to a friend, “I'll pray for you,” and never get around to actually praying. God works in people's lives as a result of our praying. You don't have to be a therapist or counselor to help your friends. You do have to care. Gary Hardin serves as pastor at Enon Grove Baptist Church in Cedar Bluff. He and his wife, Linda, live in Centre. Send your comments to garyhardin@tds.net. |