Dec. 28, 2010

A marriage resolution for the new year

From the Pulpit
By Rev. Gary Hardin

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I couldn't believe what I heard on the radio recently. A wife confessed on a financial advice call-in show that she had racked up thousands of dollars of credit card bills and hidden the bills from her husband. She used money from a home equity account to pay the credit card bills. This couple had worked hard several years ago to pay off their debts. The wife, after giving birth to their third child, fell into postpartum depression. She found she felt better only when she shopped.

You are familiar with sexual infidelity in marriage. It's a marriage wrecker for sure. But are you aware of the damaging effects of financial infidelity to a marriage? The term “financial infidelity” refers to money secrets you keep from your spouse. Financial infidelity involves secret credit cards, hidden money or bank accounts, secret purchases, binge shopping, hush-hush spending on gambling or other addictions, lying about purchases, and loaning money without your spouse's knowledge.

According to lawyers.com, divorces triggered by financial fidelity are growing in numbers. In her book “Financial Infidelity”, author Bonnie Weil states the issue has become the number-one problem in marriages. According to studies by CESI Debt Solutions, 80 percent of couples deal with some aspect of financial infidelity.

If financial infidelity is rampant, why are couples making this serious mistake? Spouses generally lie about money issues to avoid arguments, conflicts, and criticism. When discussing money, husbands and wives fear rejection, disapproval, put-downs, and quarreling from each other. Rather than risk these uncomfortable squabbles, it's easier to lie.

Also, couples don't understand the relationship damage that results from lying about money. Money secrets destroy trust and intimacy in the marriage. Worse, little lies often lead to big lies.

A third reason for financial infidelity is that some couples just don't talk about money. Discussions about money predictably lead to conversations about accountability for wise money management. Such talks force spouses to face up to bad behavior.

Worse is the belief that money can be a substitute for love. A spouse might wrongly believe that love is all about new clothes in the closet or more toys in the garage. The marriage is seen as a tool for providing material things and a certain kind of lifestyle. If financial infidelity is a challenge in your marriage, what should you be doing?

Make a commitment to honesty regarding money issues. The Bible could not be clearer about this matter: “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord” (Proverbs 12:22). I think we know where God stands on dishonesty.

Talk openly about money. Discuss your financial goals, future purchases, investments, budget, and your personal needs and wants.

Create a financial plan. That's code for “budget.” A budget allows the two of you to manage your spending. Consider a no-limits spending policy. For example, you might agree that either of you can spend up to $25 that doesn't require discussion. Determine an amount that fits your situation. Try this policy for 30 days, and then make needed adjustments.

Understand each other's money styles. One of you might be a spender, while the other is a saver. One of you is a risk-taker with money, while the other is cautious. Understanding your differing styles allows you to work through disagreements.

Put money and spending in its proper perspective. “People who live only for wealth come to the end of their lives as naked and empty-handed as on the day they were born” (Ecclesiastes 5:15). As we begin 2011, choose financial faithfulness as your New Year commitment.

Gary Hardin is pastor of Enon Grove Baptist Church in Cedar Bluff. He and his wife, Linda, live in Centre. Comments can be sent to: garyhardin@tds.net.