Every now and then I'll have people ask me to tell stories about the funny or weird things I witness in the courtroom. This week, I've pulled out some of my favorite snippets from conversations that were supposedly taken from actual trial transcripts. No, none of these are me, but I think a few of them might involve local attorney Chad Hopper.

I've heard this one a couple of times in court. Sometimes, it's hard to ask questions that you already know the answers to.

Lawyer's question: “Now tell me ma'am, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
Witness's answer: “Ummm, twenty.”

Sometimes, a lawyer has to “authenticate” items such as pictures or documents before they are admitted into evidence. Authentication is a process where you show to the judge that what you are introducing is genuine. Sometimes things like this come out:

Lawyer's question: “Were you present when this picture was taken of you?”

The following sometimes happens when a lawyer is asking questions and is trying really hard to get certain points on the court record:

Lawyer: “Can you describe the individual?”

Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”

Lawyer: “Was this a male, or a female?”

I've actually had this happen to me in court before. Most witnesses are trying so hard to answer questions correctly that they over-think the answer:

Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”

Witness: “September twenty-sixth.”

Lawyer: “What year?”

Witness: “Every year.”

This is one that I've never personally heard, but that rumor has is true:

Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that Thursday?”

Witness: “He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'”

Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”

Witness: “My name is Susan.”

This one may be a myth, but it's one of the funnier courtroom interactions I have heard about:

Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

Lawyer: “No.”

Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, doctor?”

Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”

Witness: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

Ouch, that hurts.