Road Apples by Tim Sanders
April 1, 2013

Editor Speak



You may have noticed that for the past couple of weeks I have been on vacation. That is absolutely true, if you understand Editor Speak. Editor Speak is a language used by newspaper editors, primarily editors in small towns, who understand that a large portion of their readership knows where they live. Editor Speak is simply an act of self-preservation.

Take the editorial “we” for example. When an editorial contains a few mildly provocative statements, like “I believe that each and every member of our city council is a clueless nincompoop without the sense God gave a common garden slug,” then the editor who wrote it might well expect a visit from some concerned citizens, a few armed with bricks. But when that same editorial states “WE believe that each and every member of our city council is a mentally deficient doofus,” then the thoughtful reader lays his brick aside. “He said 'we,' so that obviously includes a platoon of supporters gathered just outside the newspaper office.” The editor has managed to spread the blame around with that one little bit of Editor Speak, and the reader believes he is outnumbered.

So what does that have to do with my recent vacation, you ask. I'll get to that, indirectly, by way of a bit of information about the late Colonel Edward M. Stiff of Cedar Bluff.

Colonel Stiff had edited newspapers in New York and Cincinnati in the 1840s, and had served as a constable in Texas until a delegation of Houston citizens advised him to take a “vacation for his health. They were not specific as to just where he should vacate to, as long as it was far away. So he moved to Cedar Bluff, Alabama and in 1846 became the editor and proprietor of The Cherokee Sentinel. It was his first job as a small town editor, and he was unfamiliar with small town “Editor Speak. Stiff immediately became embroiled in several local disputes, and managed to ingratiate himself with his readers by describing one prominent Cedar Bluff citizen as “a miserable, murderous wretch,” and another as a “villainous little scamp.” Just to make sure he hadn't left anybody out, he also described Cedar Bluff itself as “a miniature Sodom and Gomorrah,” and referred to its residents as “poltroons, pettifoggers, assassins and worthless drones.” So much for endearing himself to his readers. They may not have known what poltroons and pettifoggers were, but they didn't like the sound of it.

The result of all of Stiff's inflammatory rhetoric was that on several occasions his newspaper office was peppered with bullet holes, and several gunshots were fired in his direction as he walked down the street, just to encourage him to change his attitude a bit. At one point his own paper reported that he'd been approached by a mob of concerned citizens who “beat [him] senseless.” All of this resulted in Colonel Stiff shooting off his own thumb while preparing a gun for self protection. The intrepid editor eventually killed a gentleman named Gilbert, who may have posed a threat to him, and then again may have just had the misfortune of strolling past the newspaper office on a bad day. Whatever the case, Edward M. Stiff soon found himself in Ashville Prison, where I'm sure he managed to irritate the other prisoners and guards alike.

And all of this mayhem could have been avoided had Colonel Edward M. Stiff only understood the art of “Editor Speak.”

Scott Wright, editor of The Post, and I, a humble contributing editor, know all about “Editor Speak,” and agree, mostly, on when and where it should be used. Here are a few examples:


EDITOR SPEAK- “We (indicating the editor, the entire newspaper staff, a battalion of supporters, and at least two-thirds of the electoral college) have given this matter some serious thought.”

TRANSLATION - “My tapeworm and I have given this matter some serious thought.”


EDITOR SPEAK - “Our Contributing Editor, Len C. Doyle, is on vacation.”

TRANSLATION - “Contributing Editor Len C. Doyle is in the hospital. He is in room 417, a good two hundred yards from the nearest exit, tethered to his bed by an IV drip and a Foley catheter. If you have complaints about any of his recent columns, you can corner him there.”


EDITOR SPEAK - “While on vacation, Len will avail himself of the very latest in relaxation therapy techniques.”

TRANSLATION - “His favorite is the Foley catheter, which involves a long joy tube being inserted into his most personal part, allowing him to relax very loudly for a few minutes, and look forward to relaxing loudly again when his joy tube is removed. The Foley catheter was used by the Japanese Imperial Army as an enhanced relaxation technique during WWII.”


EDITOR SPEAK - “The vacation spa provides state-of-the-art exercise equipment and attractive sporting attire.”

TRANSLATION - “Our Feature Editor, Harriet Bunspackler, has some very entertaining videos of Len wobbling past the nurses' desk wearing that rear view hospital gown and pushing a walker with one bad wheel. Copies are available for $12.95 at our front desk.”


EDITOR SPEAK - “Bob Alou's 'Hobnobbin' With Bob' gossip column will no longer grace our pages. Bob has relocated to a warmer climate. Kudos, Bob!”

TRANSLATION - “Gossip Columnist Bob Alou passed away Saturday night. As of Sunday evening, the sheriff had named 356 persons of interest, but no suspects.”


EDITOR SPEAK - “Our Sports Editor, Les Ismore is enjoying a trip to the primeval forests of northern Mississippi, where he will be hunting the elusive Mississippi Moose. We are not sure when he will return. so we are presenting some of his more popular scores and commentary from last month's games. ”

TRANSLATION - “Les, along with a bucket of tar and a bag of feathers, was escorted to the Mississippi state line by a group of parents unhappy with certain remarks he made in last week's column about Coach Nubbins and his goat.”


Had he used small town Editor Speak, Edward Stiff would probably have died with both his thumbs still intact. And had I known Scott's Editor Speak had put me on a swell vacation rather than in the hospital, I'd have had a lot more fun.