Road Apples by Tim Sanders
April 8, 2013
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Medical grammar saves lives There are situations where good grammar is not just advisable, but essential. Take medicine, for example. Take lots of it if you need it. But keep good grammar in mind when you do. Remember that those instructions “take one pill twice daily” do not indicate the use of a reel and fifty feet of 6 lb. test line. That is medical grammar for taking “two pills a day.” Here are some actual medical grammar questions sent in by actual readers who would never stoop to e-mailing questions suggested by the Alabamer Grammar Center for a paltry $2.50 per question (and yes, your checks are in the mail): Q: My husband Gerald he come back from the doctor's and said his prostrates was bad. I ast him what they was, and he wasn't for sure, but he said they was down there in his private section somewhere. I ast him how many prostrates did he have, and he wasn't sure of that, neither, except that he probably had just as many as I did. Could you tell me where Gerald's prostrates are, and how many he's got to worry about? A: No. Q: Momma she is always telling people how she was “up under the doctor for three months.” I tole her that doesn't sound good, and she ort to say “under the doctor,” without including the “up” part which makes her sound nasty. Is “up under” or just plain “under” the best? A: We've pondered that question before, but without knowing a lot more about your mother and the doctor, we cannot answer it. We would assume that whatever was most comfortable would work. Q: My dad is always bragging on my brother Nicky. “Nicky he went to school and made a doctor,” Then Daddy will point to me and say, “And this here is Ricky, who only works at the pulp mill, bless his heart, but we love him anyway.” He says it over and over again, “Nicky he went to school and made a doctor.” Can you people at Alabamer Grammar tell that old man that “made a doctor” is not grammatical? A: That depends. We do know of one local boy who went to vocational school and “made a dumbwaiter” and that was perfectly grammatical. So we'll have to go with your old man on this one. (By the way, we'd like to see the doctor that your brother Nicky made. We here at Alabamer Grammar always admire good craftsmanship.) Q: I been in a awful mess do to it is spring and there is all that poland everywhere. Monday last I had to scrape yeller poland off from the windshield and whenever I got to the Piggly Wiggly my nose was running like a hydrant, my eyes was swolled shut and I was blind as a mole. So last week I seen the doctor and he said it was my sinuses and they had to be extracted. Either that or I could move to Arizona. Sylvia she said she knowed for a fact you can't extract the sinuses without you take them out, and what he must of said was “expand.” Now I know what I heard, which was “extract,” and if I can get them takened out I'm all for it. What do you think, will they take my sinuses out or just make them bigger? A: We practice grammar here, not medicine. So we'll send you Gerald's wife's e-mail address. What with that multitude of prostrates he has, I'm sure expansion versus extraction has been discussed by now. Q: Speaking of “practice,” why are doctors and lawyers always practicing? A: A famous violinist, possibly Jack Benny, was once asked “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” He answered: “Practice, practice, practice.” For some reason, doctors and lawyers are obsessed with getting to Carnegie Hall, too. Ours not to reason why. Q: So Evelyn she comes home from the doctor's all in a lather and says his scales is all wrong. She says they weigh her eight pounds heavier than ours at home, which are perfectly good scales and have worked just fine ever since we got them at that yard sale two years ago over in Hokes Bluff where I also got my chain saw which runs like a new watch. So she says it is all a trick doctors use to make patients think they is bloating up and need treatment and medicine and so on and so forth. She says she has always weighed exactly 240 pounds on ours except for after Christmas but she lost that extra and got back down to where she could wear her two-piece swimsuit again this summer which was when I made a big mistake and said I wasn't so sure that particular swimsuit was a good idea and just maybe from what I could see them doctor's scales was closer to right and ours was weighing her light due to she had set them back ten pounds for what she said was a Daylight Savings Time adjustment last month. This got her going about my Momma and how she seen her eat an entire chicken and a huge bowl of pinto beans at a church picnic and I told her it wasn't right to bring up Momma, who can't defend herself being dead and all, and so she asks me how it is that I always defend my momma and never agree with my wife, and so I says kind of nasty like– A: Is there a grammar question in there, anywhere? Q: Didn't you say you wanted questions about fat women and doctor's scales? A: No. You must be thinking of our Mannerly Man column, which sometimes gives helpful marital advice. Q: Oh. Then just forget it. A: We will. Q: NO, WAIT! Here's a medical grammar question. If Evelyn's blood pressure pills say “take one pill daily by mouth,” and the other pills she takes don't say nothing only “take one pill daily,” then where is she putting them diet pills? A: We don't want to know, and neither should you. So when Aunt Florence announces that her crustacean tubes are blocked, she has corporal funnel syndrome, very close veins, and asteroids, we here at Alabamer Grammar will try our best to translate for you. |