Road Apples by Tim Sanders
July 22, 2013
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You Can Fool All the People All the Time, But
Only In New York I don't like to brag or anything, but these weekly columns are nothing if not thoroughly researched. Last week, for example, I was thoroughly researching this year's New York City mayoral election. More specifically, I was researching former Congressman Anthony Weiner, who is currently leading in the race to win the Democratic nomination. In case you've forgotten, this particular Weiner is the former U.S. Representative from New York's 9th District who made a critical political error in 2011 and was forced to resign. His critical error was that he texted a photo to a female voter who, for reasons known only to her and her psychiatrist, said she admired the cut of his jib. Yes, you guessed it, he had no idea what his jib was, so Mr. Weiner inadvertently, through no fault of his own, sent her a photo of his namesakes, Little Anthony, and his Imperials. It was an honest mistake, but when the news broke he was forced to resign. So now we have Mr. Weiner and his Little Anthony leading in the NY mayoral race, with Eliot Spitzer running for the post of Comptroller. Spitzer was forced to resign his position as New York's governor in 2008 after having spent what investigators calculated was over $80,000 on prostitutes, or as he called them, “scholarly, well trained, highly qualified political consultants.” When I looked “comptroller” up in my 119th Merriam Webster Dictionary, Fortified with Vitamin B and Synonyms, it said “a scholarly, well trained, highly qualified person who may not be able to control his libido, but can certainly control ... comp.” I was satisfied with that. So all of that research on the Spitzers and Weiners in New York City just naturally leads us to something that could totally change the way we communicate in this electronic age. The headline in a July 17 PCmac.com article by Stephan Mlot immediately made me curious as to: Just what kind of a name is Mlot, and how do you pronounce it? It also made me curious enough to read on. Here it is: “Urine-Powered Cell Phone Charging in the Works” The article tells of research being done at the Bristol Robotics Laboratory in Bristol, England, by another guy with a name I can't pronounce, Dr. Ioannis Ieropoulos. The doctor is an expert at creating power from microbial fuel sources. He uses tiny but powerful microorganisms like the ones found in soil, fast food dumpsters, and Michael Moore's digestive system, to convert human urine into electricity. The process, as best as I can figure out, is called “magic.” It is also a nasty mess, since pee beakers are in short supply in Great Britain, and chamber pots are hard to find. But not one to give up where power peeing is concerned, Dr. Whatchamacallit has developed a series of microbial fuel cell (MFC) stacks through which he forces the urine, which is converted to electrical power when hungry little microbes with huge teeth eat the urine. According to the article, “The MFC power stack, so far, has even produced enough power to enable SMS (Samsung) messaging, Web browsing, and a brief phone call.” Dr. Whatchamacallit added: “One product we can be sure of an unending supply is our own urine. The beauty of this fuel source is that we are not relying on the erratic nature of wind or the sun. We are actually re-using waste to create energy.” Mlot adds that Dr. Whoozits believes that his technology could be implemented in domestic bathrooms, in an effort to harness urine and produce sufficient electricity to power showers, lighting, toothbrushes and razors, as well as mobile phones.” I watched a video of Dr. Thingamabob and his energy converting apparatus, which consisted of four stacks of coils fed by dozens of tubes connected to various very scientific looking jugs of pee on the intake side and some other jugs of converted pee on the exhaust side. The whole apparatus, including wires and monitor screens and jugs and all, would easily fit inside your average Volkswagen bus. My guess would be that if the doctor were to turn his urine converting apparatus over to the Japanese, they would immediately say “Eeeeew!” Then they'd manage to shrink it down to the size of your average memory stick, which your average citizen could stick into his average pocket. I am not too crazy about the notion of using a urine-powered electric toothbrush, or using a high-tech urine-powered shower, for that matter. But I can see where the technology might prove useful. It could save a lot of embarrassment in New York City, for example, if Anthony Weiner is actually elected mayor. If he were to lose control and decide to take another photo of Little Anthony and his Imperials, just in case that old admirer were to escape from her asylum and start texting him again, the whole messy business could be explained so that even the most skeptical New York voter would believe it. REPORTER: Your honor, how would you characterize what you were seen doing in the hallway outside your office today? MAYOR W: I was only, uh ... recharging my cell phone. |