Road Apples by Tim Sanders
July 29, 2013
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Rewriting Textbooks School is about to start again, and the air is filled with excitement. No, wait, that's only more rain. The excitement will come on that very first day of classes, when, as you drive past any of the local schools, you'll hear a chorus of whooping and hollering and boundless laughter. That ecstasy will be coming from parents who've just dropped their kids off and realize they've now got an entire day of freedom. Perhaps a few joyful whoops and screams would be coming from the kids who'd just been left on the school steps if it weren't for the curriculum. And of course, we all know that the curriculum is not that little merry-go-round thing that used to throw you off when you got distracted and wave at your friend Charley. No, the curriculum is what is contained in the books your kids are supposed to be reading when they're actually shooting spitballs and tossing wet Gummy Bears onto the ceiling. Even when I was a kid, back before chalk was invented, our curriculum left a lot to be desired. With that in mind, I've been working on a series of study books for children and young adults which will catch their interest because of its relevance to their everyday lives. Here are some excerpts from various books: HANGING WITH DICK AND JANE (appropriate for first graders) “Oh, look, look, look, Jane,” said Dick. “Look up, up, up. Look up, Jane!” “I am looking up, Dick. I am looking up, up, up, and I see, see, see. I see it now. It is a bird, Dick. Bird, bird, bird.” “No, Jane. No, no, no! It is Father, and Spot. Spot is up, up, up, and Father is holding him up, up, up. Oh what fun, Jane!” said Dick. Jane said, “Why are we talking this way, Dick? Why, why, why?” “It's because of the guy who wrote this book, Jane. He wrote and wrote and wrote, and then he wrote some more. It is his writing style. Style, style. Faulkner he ain't.” “Dick, I have another question. Spot is an all white poodle. White, white, white. So why did Father name him Spot?” “Run, run, run into the house. Run into the house and look at the carpet, Jane. Spot has left another spot, or maybe two spots. That is why Father is holding him up, up, up. and away, Jane. And that is why Father named him Spot.” “Oh! Oh look, Dick. Look, look, look. Father fell down. His high heel got caught in a crack. A crack in the sidewalk. And I think he ruined his pantyhose. Why does Father dress like that?” “I don't want to talk about it, Jane. Any more questions?” “Yes, Dick. Are we adopted?” “Hahaha! We'll talk about that in Chapter 3.” EXPLORING OUR SOLAR SYSTEM (5th Grade Science textbook, Chapter 2 quiz) - Which of the following catastrophes is caused by Global Warming? 1. Drought 2. Monsoons 3. More Earthquakes 4. Fewer Earthquakes 5. More Locusts 6. Fewer Locusts 7. Al Gore 8. Lil' Wayne 9. Complete Signal Loss 10. Smoke coming from your keyboard 11. All of the Above, plus exceptionally large, fire-breathing Japanese lizards (Hint: Think Big) NATURE TURNED INSIDE OUT (8th Grade Biology, page 346, Teachers' Edition) - NOTE: If you have forty students in your class, and each has gone frog gigging and furnished his own, personal frog to dissect, that amounts to lots and lots of nice, fat frog legs. Remind your students that since they have not been soaked in formaldehyde (the frogs, not the students) they should be careful not to discard the legs. Those eighty tasty frog legs would be welcome at your next class picnic. And if, instead of frogs, your class decides to dissect squirrels, just remember that with each squirrel you get four tasty drumsticks. ALGEBRA FOR FUN AND PROFIT (10th Grade text, complete with letter symbols up the wazoo, Page 55, section a+2b-c) Problem No. 2. If train x leaves Seattle's Station b at 9:45, traveling toward Omaha, Nebraska at an average speed of 65 mph, and if train y leaves Station c in Omaha, which is 1,730 miles from Seattle's Station b, at an average speed of 45 mph, and if halfway between the two cities a railroad crew has gone on strike and blocked the tracks with 880 head of Hereford cattle, and if it takes twenty men two hours and 15 minutes to move 220 head of Hereford cattle off the tracks, and four hours and 30 minutes if that 220 head of cattle have their bodies attached, and if there are no collisions, or mechanical failures, and if there are no stampedes, and if there is a really heavy cloud system moving in from the West at 38 mph, and if five miles out of Omaha the train is stopped to unhook two coal cars in order to meet federal regulations and increase speed to 48 mph, then how long before you, student z, gets a severe migraine headache and decides to drop Algebra, which is only an elective course anyway, and take wood shop, which you really wanted to take in the first place? AMERICAN HISTORY IN MODERN PARLANCE (Introduction, Page 3, Section 7, Amendment 59, Awaiting Proofreading and Spell Checking by the U.S. Department of Education) A letter recently found in George Washington's personal effects reads, in part: “When I was six, or possibly nineteen, my father asked me, 'Georgie, did you chop down my favorite apple tree?’ I replied, 'I cannot tell a lie, father. No, I certainly did not chop down your stupid old apple tree. And by the way, it was a cherry tree!’ To which my father replied, 'Then why was your little hatchet lying there beside that cherry tree?’ 'Which cherry tree?' I answered. ‘ The one with your hatchet beside it.’ ‘What hatchet?’ Most historians feel that this was when Washington's father advised him to go into politics. More about his political career is mentioned in a small paragraph in Chapter 5, entitled Kim Kardashian and the Louisiana Purchase. These little excerpts are all I've completed so far. Educators await the rest with baited breath. Or that may be “bated” breath. depending on how my spelling book turns out. |