Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Aug. 12, 2013

Illuminating Edison

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Today we celebrate an important date in man's conquest of science, since on Aug. 12, 1877, Thomas Edison invented the phonograph.

I don't know much about science, except for the basics, which I learned in high school, in between naps. I know that over the centuries science progressed slowly. The wheel was invented by Ezekiel, Isosceles invented the triangle, Euclid invented a better mousetrap, and Galileo invented the telescope, looked closely at the sun and spent the rest of his life blind as a mole. And Newton did something or other with the fig, but the details are a bit fuzzy. After those inventions, nothing much happened until Thomas Edison came along and invented almost everything else.

Edison's story inspires children who need someone other than Jay Z or the Duck Dynasty clan to model their lives after. But to most adults, he only reminds us of what imbeciles we've been over the years. We haven't invented anything.

Here are just a few of the important events in Edison's life:


1. On Feb. 11, 1847, Thomas Alva Edison was born in Milan, Ohio. The following week he invented the safety pin.

2. In 1854, when Thomas was 7, the Edison family moved to Port Huron, Michigan. Thomas drove.

3. In 1857, at age 10, little Thomas set up a chemical laboratory in the basement of his Port Huron home. No serious injuries were reported.

4. In 1859, at age 12, Thomas went to work on the railway running from Port Huron to Detroit. The railway ran from Port Huron to Detroit, not Tom. It was around that time when someone picked him up by his ears, which resulted in his partial deafness. I couldn't find any explanation as to why he was picked up by his ears, except that, apparently, they resembled jug handles.

5. In 1862, at age 15, Thomas printed and published “The Weekly Herald,” the first newspaper to be typeset and printed on a moving train. No one knows why.

6. Later in 1862 Edison heroically snatched the son of the Mt. Clemens station agent from the path of a train. The train had stopped to take on more coal, but knowing that young Tom was almost penniless, poorly clothed, and often hungry, the grateful agent took pity on him and taught him telegraphy.

7. In 1868, when he went to work as a telegraph operator for Western Union in Boston, Edison met Alexander Graham Bell. That same year, inspired by Bell, Edison got his first patent, for an electrical nose hair trimmer.

8. In 1871 Edison helped develop the first practical model of the Sholes typewriter. It could be moved from room to room, with a forklift.

9. In 1872, to alleviate boredom, Edison invented the automatic telegraph system, paraffin paper (wax paper), and the electric pen.

10. On Aug. 12, 1877, Edison invented the phonograph. Before that date, kids were forced to sit and meditate on their socks at high school sock hops, but the phonograph allowed them to dance to actual music. Okay, so two years later, after he invented the phonograph record, it did.

11. In 1879 Edison invented the incandescent electric lamp, which he immediately used to light his Edison Video Arcade. Then he invented gummed paper tape, sockets, switches and the popular electric joy buzzer.

12. In 1880 Edison invented the first full-size electric railway, which eventually became Boston's MTA, where a guy named Charlie handed in his dime at the Kendall Square Station and when he changed for Jamaica Plain found he'd run out of nickels and couldn't get off that train. Poor old Charlie.

13. In 1890 Edison and his crew constructed a DC powered electric chair. Not for fun, but for executions. It worked, but rather slowly, and Edison's public approval dropped. His reputation was restored, however, with his invention of the electric love seat and the amazing electric athletic supporter, which prompted many collegians to set records in the 100-yard leap and squeal event.

14. In 1891 Edison invented the motion picture camera, which allowed such noted thespians as Sally Field, Jim Carrey and the entire cast of “Howard the Duck” to refer to themselves as “motion picture artists” rather than “goobers.”

15. In 1891 he invented the fluoroscope, which allowed medical science to study floors.

16. In 1900 Edison invented the steel alkaline storage battery, which led to today's batteries, most of which can hold a charge for at least ten minutes.

17. In 1912 Edison introduced the Kinetophone (sound motion picture), which led directly to all 500 Elvis movies.

18. On Oct. 18, 1931, the anniversary of his invention of the incandescent bulb, Edison died, having accumulated 1,368 patents and nineteen storage sheds full of copper wire.. His son, Charles, trapped his father's last breath in a test tube, popped a cork on top, and gave it to Henry Ford, who wanted to use it to scare his son, Edsel. Edison was buried behind his home in West Orange, New Jersey, in a casket containing fourteen incandescent lights, two speakers, a phonograph, and a half-minute record called “The Eloquence of Calvin Coolidge.”


In stark contrast to Edison, my accomplishments, scientifically speaking, amount to:


When I was 7 I studied the temperature required to burn human skin, using a magnifying glass from a Crackerjack box and the bald spot on the back of my dad's head.

At age 12, due to my remarkable work ethic, I learned that I could do my homework while lying in front of the TV. Our first TV was a Sylvania with a fluorescent Halo Lite. I believe Edison invented that.

And speaking of fluorescent, whenever we went to Sears, I headed for the shoe department and that machine that allowed you to view the bones in your own feet. It was very scientific.

By age 15 I was working, scientifically, on the “sleeper,” “walk the dog,” and “around the world” tricks with my Duncan yo-yo.

By age 24 I'd mastered the “walk the dog” and “sleeper” tricks, but had given up on “around the world.” I'd turned my full attention to a new challenge, “baby in the cradle.”


I could go on, but I think you get my drift.