Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Sept. 16, 2013

Alabamer Grammar Responds



Sometimes, in a world where nothing makes sense anymore, grammar and spelling seem unimportant. But nothing could be further from the truth. Grammatically speaking, which is always the best way to be speaking, words like “we” and “us” are often used to let people know that “we” don't want to take blame for what we, or I, are, or am, about to say. For example, “we” can be used to denote a large, formidable group of strapping, heavily muscled, 300 lb., steroid gulping gorillas, as in: “With all due respect, we, meaning me and the entire junior varsity football team, think Bob is a greasy-haired, buck-toothed rodent.” This is much safer than saying “I think Bob is a homely rat.” That “we” is what allows skilled politicians to say things that sound a whole lot like “I'm drawing a red line,” but are actually “we're drawing a red line,” which can later be interpreted to mean “not me personally, but our Administration, Congress, the entire US population, the European Union, the UN, the NFL, the NCAA, the AF of L, the CIO, the thousands of space aliens among us, my little friends the Muppets, and my tapeworms, have all, collectively, drawn a red line, although not necessarily in the sand, since sand sticks to a magic marker, even a red one.” That is why some people really admire the “editorial we.”

Speaking of which, “we” here at the Alabamer Grammar Consortium often use the Q and A format. Lately we've received some complaints which all sound a lot like this:


Q: Why do you use that stupid Q and A format? It makes my eyes go crossed.”

A: Okay then, how about this?


I: Hey, what happened to my Q?

R: The Q and A format has been changed to an I and R format.


I: Oh, I get it. The I stands for Inquiry, and the R stands for Response, right?

R: No, the I stands for Ignacia, and R stands for Raimundo. They're a Hispanic couple from Piedmont who said they'd send me a plate of chicken fajitas if I use their names in this column.


I: But I don't speak Spanish.

R: Well, there we are, right back to the old Q and A format. Next question, please.


Q: Daddy is always saying “on the other hand.” Where does that come from?

A: The phrase comes from the late 1700s when people in New Orleans, enjoyed the sport of dueling. When a gentleman challenged another gentleman to a duel, the rules said that he had to slap his opponent with a silk glove and say “bon appetit.”

Sometimes during cold snaps the Frenchmen would only wear a silk glove on one hand, and wear a warm woolen mitten full of hot rocks on the other. This took a lot of the fun out of wintertime dueling. So when your father says “on the other hand,” you should leave the house immediately.


Q: I ain't worried 'cause Daddy ain't got but one hand. He lost the other one when Momma turned on the garbage disposal while he was trying to get his dentures back which had fell into there when he was eating an apple over the sink which was green and very hard, by which I mean the apple, not the sink. Not all of the sink, anyhow. Daddy he won't go near that sink now, because he says when a thing takes your teeth and also your hand, then you ort to leave it alone because Satan is in it, so even when Sissy's gerbil Carl run down there looking for cantaloupe and her little arms weren't long enough to–

A: Is there another grammar question in there, somewhere?


Q: Yes there is. Do you say it's hard to remove dried gerbil hairs from the sink, or dried gerbil hair. And speaking of which, how's come I got several hairs on my head, but Momma says I got a head full of hair?

A: Hair is singular, while hairs is plural. Make that “are” plural. Technically, you could have one very long hair rolled up into a bun, and call it a head full of hair. Either way, keep your head and its hair, or hairs, away from the garbage disposal.


Q: So why do they call it a toothbrush instead of a teethbrush?

A: If you live in Alabama, then you know full well that the “toothbrush” was invented in the swamps of southern Mississippi. If you live in Mississippi, then you may have heard a different story.


Q: Speaking of teeth, why did they name that late faith healer “Oral” Roberts?

A: Because when he was born, his head came out first. Had his been a breech birth, the name would've been different. And of course, he'd have had to go into another line of work altogether.


Q: When I write “they was their, but their coming home tomorrow,” Miss Thorax says it ain't right, and when I change it to “They was there, but there coming home tomorrow,” she says that ain't right neither. What do you suggest?

A: We'd suggest “They was over yonder, but tomorrow they'll be back home if they can make bail.”


Q: Yesterday I give a theme paper to Miss Brantly and on it I had wrote about how Daddy he give a chicken to our preacher with two heads. She said that was unclear and so I said why and she said she didn't know was it the chicken or our preacher who had two heads and I tole her she went to our church and knowed good and well that Reverent Nordeen didn't have but one head and when I tole Daddy at the dinner table that night he laughed and said sometimes he wasn't even sure of that and Larry he snorted some pinto beans down the wrong pipe and Momma she got mad and said I almost kilt my brother and slapped me upside the head with her fly swatter which she always keeps at the table and Edner she dropped her collards on the floor and when her fork hit the cat–

A: What was your question?


Q: I forget. But don't you want to know what happened to the cat?

A: No.


Please keep those questions coming. Call them inquiries if you must. We will respond.