Road Apples by Tim Sanders
Sept. 16, 2013

Egg-sassperated

Share |

I sometimes write about chickens because I consider them to be noble birds which are often overlooked in our history books. Oh sure, the American eagle is respected throughout the civilized world, and of course Benjamin Franklin promoted the wild turkey as our national bird. And yes, owls are often considered wise birds. But if you look closely at that famous painting of Washington crossing the Delaware, you will notice that near the front of his boat, right beside the flotation devices and the bait bucket, standing proudly atop the beer cooler, is a chicken. And when Lincoln delivered his Gettysburg Address, historians all agree that there was a chicken under his stovepipe hat. And the book “Lassie Come Home” was originally titled “Hester! Here Chick, Chick, Chick,” with the main character portrayed not as a collie, but as a courageous Plymouth Rock pullet.

Chickens have much to offer humanity, including wings, breasts, thighs, drumsticks, chicken nuggets, chicken salad, and chicken soup. And also eggs. That is why, when I read an article on the UK Mail Online website, dated September 10, 2013, I was stunned. The article, by a San Francisco gentleman named Mark Prigg, details in glowing terms how “Artificial Egg made from PLANTS backed by Bill Gates set to revolutionize cooking goes on sale at Whole Foods.” The article tells how Gates and Paypal billionaire Peter Thiel have come up with a product to “replace eggs in everything from cakes to mayonnaise without a chicken ever coming close to the production process.” I guess it is the kind of article you'd expect from a San Franciscan named Prigg, but it is still worrisome. You can't remove chickens from the egg production process. Chickens were made to lay eggs. They know this. And they know it because they have souls.

I know that chickens have souls because when I was a very small child I baptized several of them. I had recently been to a lakeside baptismal service with my parents, and I was impressed. I gave the chickens a little sermon about salvation and they were very attentive. There was a galvanized horse trough handy, and a good number of them agreed to be baptized “in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.” Some of them survived, and some went directly to heaven due to drowning. I also tried to baptize a cat that day, but he was unwilling to give up his evil ways. He wanted nothing to do with the baptismal water in that trough, and preferred to latch onto my arm and squall. I may have been only four, but I realized then that cats are heathen creatures with no souls. Most chickens can be led to repentance, but not one cat in a thousand ever walks the sawdust trail and means it.

Which is not to say that chickens are cowardly. The term “chicken” has been used disparagingly for centuries now, as in: “Bob seen the bull approaching at high speed, but he stood his ground, while Leon turned chicken and clumb a tree.” It sounds feasible, but a chicken would not climb a tree. A chicken would fly to the top of a fence post and watch.

Many years ago, when Marilyn, our oldest son Steve, and I lived on the mountain near Sand Rock, we had a little dog named Sammy. Sammy was half dachshund, half poodle, half Methodist and half Presbyterian. Sammy was not easily frightened. She often saw her reflection in the window at night and thought it was another dog. But it didn't scare her, it only aggravated her and made her bark at that other dog until it went away, which it always did just about the same time she did. She was brave, but not too bright. The lady who lived across the dirt road from us had chickens, and sometimes they'd wander into the front yard, clucking peacefully as chickens often do. One day Marilyn and I watched from our porch as Sammy decided to chase those chickens into their backyard. She and the chickens disappeared behind Mrs. Clark's house, and almost immediately Sammy came back around, full speed, with her tail tucked between her legs and a tall, imposing red rooster in hot pursuit. That rooster may have been a chicken, but he was no “chicken” chicken. I think he was an Episcopalian.

So, according to a September 12 article in the Los Angeles Times (which is one of the most honest, reputable newspapers ever to be located on 202 W. First St., Los Angeles), as soon as Bill Gates and his billionaire vegan buddy Peter Thiel were informed that eggs actually came from chicken butts, they went to work producing the world's first “chicken-less” egg. One product containing chicken-less egg powder is called Beyond Eggs, and it can be used mainly for cookies. It is called Beyond Eggs because of its cost, which is $4.40 for a four-ounce package. I believe it contains sorghum, and almost certainly soy bean squeezings. The Beyond Egg powder is currently for sale at Whole Foods stores in LA, along with something called Just Mayo, which is made with “pea protein” instead of eggs. Just Mayo is just like regular Mayonnaise, except for the taste. And the price.

We, the American public, have been through all of this before. There is already a product called Egg Beaters, which has been around for a few decades now, and contains only egg whites and yellow food coloring, without the really good part, which is the egg yolk. In a blind study, fourteen people all agreed that the Egg Beaters product felt just exactly like scrambled eggs, and they were somewhat surprised that their leader dogs refused to eat it.

So, Bill Gates and his crew notwithstanding, eggs are eggs, and the very notion of “chicken-less” eggs produced only by humans is un-American. Millions and millions of brave, noble, very spiritual, egg-laying chickens would soon be roaming the streets, looking for work.

As for me, soy bean egg powder ain't eggs. If Bill Gates thinks he and other humans can produce eggs without chickens, they'd have to be round, covered with shells, filled with yolks, and the size of bowling balls before I'd take notice. The eggs, that is, not the vegan researchers. And even then I wouldn't want to eat one.

Only chicken butts are constructed for that kind of egg production.