Road Apples Archive

Tim Sanders is a transplanted Michigander who moved to Cherokee County with his family in 1977. He is the winner of the 2006, 2008 and 2012 Green Eyeshade Awards for Humorous Commentary from the Society of Professional Journalists, and has the plaques to prove it. In 2013, he won an award from the Alabama Press Association for his humor columns. He has had all his shots, and is worm-free and housebroken. To contact Tim, send email to: tsander9@tds.net.

2013

• Egg-sassperated - 09/16/13

• Alabamer Grammar Responds - 09/09/13

• When Systems Crash - 09/02/13

• Bad Words - 08/26/13

• And Grandpa Had To Crank His Own Phone - 08/19/13

• Illuminating Edison - 08/12/13

• When Boxes Burn and Feathers Fly - 08/05/13

• Rewriting Textbooks - 07/29/13

• You Can Fool All the People All the Time ... - 07/22/13

• Mr. Mannerly Man Ages Gracefully, and Other Lies - 07/15/13

• Surviving the Vegan Death Grip - 07/08/13

• The Ultimate Insult - 07/01/13

• Move That Insect Aside, Dear, I'm Home - 06/24/13

• Plu Imperfect Alabamer Grammar - 06/17/13

• Wiener Dog Rituals - 06/10/13

• Anatomy of a Column - 06/03/13

• Phone Phustrations - 05/27/13

• Reflexive Responses - 05/20/13

• Blazing Manners - 05/13/13

• Chronicling the Decline of Personkind - 05/06/13

• Spicklerisms - 04/29/13

• Baby Boomer Brains - 04/22/13

• How Green is my Valley - 4/15/13

• Medical grammar saves lives - 04/08/13

• Editor Speak - 04/01/13

• VACATION (3/18 through 3/25)

• How to compose a business letter - 03/11/13

• Diggin' up bones - 03/04/13

• Chalk dust, flying plastic and other ... damage - 02/25/13

• Words and phrases we can do without - 02/18/13

• Even More Alabamer Grammar - 02/11/13

• Good mother-in-law - 02/04/13

• Rub-a-dub-dub - 01/28/13

• Garlic, Vapo Rub and other essential foot oils - 01/21/13

• How to read a newspaper - 01/14/13

• So go reflect - 01/07/13

2012

• Sharing sunshine - 12/31/12

• Three easy resolutions - 12/24/12

• Best and worst Christmas movies - 12/17/12

• Back at the KFC again, Fido? - 12/10/12

• More signs of the apocalypse? - 12/03/12

• Christmas dog - 11/26/12

• Another Thanksgiving Day quiz - 11/19/12

• Veterans Day thoughts - 11/12/12

• Brainstorming in the Booth - 11/05/12

• Pumpkinology - 10/29/12

• Giant eyeballs, raw chickens and other things - 10/22/12

• Son of Alabamer Grammar returns - 10/15/12

• How to bathe a cat - 10/08/12

• Serious talk - 10/01/12

• More on Moore - 09/24/12

• That was the year that was - 09/17/12

• Conventional wisdom? - 09/10/12

• No right answers - 09/03/12

• Seriously? - 08/27/12

• Left behind - 08/20/12

• Manners and other moot points - 08/13/12

• Toe gymnastics at Walmart - 08/06/12

• He had a better idea - 07/30/12

• The Electronic Jungle - 07/23/12

• Please don't leave a message - 07/16/12

• Brave new world - 07/09/12

• Birdbrains - 07/02/12

• Alabamer Grammar goes off the tracks - 06/25/12

• Hitchhikers - 06/18/12

• Technology marches on - 06/11/12

• Al fresco, Al abama style - 06/04/12

• Mr. Mannerly Man dishes up more free advice - 05/28/12

• Talking to myself again - 05/21/12

• Hooked on fishing - 05/14/12

• If not the tabloids, then who can you trust? - 05/07/12

• Accidental exercise - 04/30/12

• Classic movies you could dance to, sort of - 04/23/12

• Where have you gone, O.K. Ockafur? - 04/16/12

• To sleep, perchance to yelp - 04/09/12

• Just a Slower Walk - 04/02/12

• Best Laid Schemes - 03/26/12

• Alabamer Grammar returns - 03/19/12

• Making the Happy Meal pay for itself - 03/12/12

• Beware the Ides of March? - 03/05/12

• Email tails ... er, tales - 02/27/12

• Attack of the Killer Lunch Boxes - 02/20/12

• Updating the old Valentine's Day story - 02/13/12

• More advice from Mr. Mannerly Man - 02/06/12

• Another Gravity Bowl loss - 01/30/12

• Fried green Alabamer Grammar - 01/23/12

• Matters of taste - 01/16/12

• ADD screws up yet another column - 01/09/12

• To was, or not to was, them be the question - 01/02/12

2011

• Possum and other droppings - 12/26/11

• Why seniors downsize Christmas - 12/19/11

• Gifts that keep on giving - 12/12/11

• Little-known December 5 celebrations - 12/05/11

• Torn from today's headlines - 11/28/11

• Another Mannerly Thanksgiving - 11/21/11

• Miller time ... in a bottle - 11/14/11

• My dog's thoughts: Canine ... Mine: Asinine - 11/07/11

• It helps if you get sit closer to the screen - 10/31/11

• Ingrish are spooken hear - 10/24/11

• More Alabamer Grammar 4 U - 10/17/11

• Old wives' tales - 10/10/11

• Laughter, the best medicine? - 10/03/11

• Mannerly men and their explosive families - 09/26/11

• Bee careful - 09/19/11

• The stories behind the headlines - 09/12/11

• Head in a goldfish bowl - 09/05/11

• Goodbye August, hello September - 08/29/11

• Defending Alabamer Grammar - 08/22/11

• If it quacks like a duck it might be a Yankee - 08/15/11

• Huffing and puffing, or much ado about nuffing? - 08/08/11

• Cake, pie or weasel? - 08/01/11

• Good old Golden Rule days - 07/25/11

• The windmills of my mind - 07/18/11

• Parsing words - 07/11/11

• How all this Yankee Doodling got started - 07/04/11

• Mr. Mannerly Man answers charges - 06/27/11

• Pedaling toward the Apocalypse - 06/20/11

• Freshly picked Alabamer Grammar - 06/13/11

• Hanging with the elderly hipsters - 06/06/11

• Things you may not have known about May 30 - 05/30/11

• Surgeries and their unintended consequences - 05/23/11

• Strange and Stranger - 05/16/11

• Weathering the storm - 05/09/11

• The Hyperbolist - 04/25/11

• Alabamer Grammar, more or less - 04/18/11

• Wildlife at home and elsewhere - 04/11/11

• Oh yeah, well memorize this - 04/04/11

• No fooling - 03/28/11

• Mannerly men who stare at goats and vice-versa - 03/21/11

• What I did on my week off - 03/14/11

• Facebook follies - (from 02/08/10)

• The devil's in the details - 02/21/11

• Bad weather and even worse movies - 02/14/11

• Those were the days ... weren't they? - 02/07/11

• Fried Green Alabamer Grammar - 01/31/11

• Music and art even the deaf and blind can enjoy - 01/24/11

• Grammar and the Great Boxcar Blizzard - 01/17/11

• Whitewashing Tom and Huck - 01/10/11

• The abomination of resolutions and grub a plenty - 01/03/11

2010

• Held hostage by inferior autobiographical memory - 12/27/10

• Yuletide questions yule never ask - 12/20/10

• Some favorite Christmas stories - 12/13/10

• The Irony Bowl - 12/06/10

• Fishing for fun and profit - 11/29/10

• Thanksgiving quiz - 11/22/10

• Mid-November musings - 11/15/10

• Alabama grammer redux - 11/08/10

• The pros and cons of early voting - 11/01/10

• Taming that pesky wild hair - 10/25/10

• Good dogs with bad backs - 10/18/10

• Mannerly men and sports - 10/11/10

• Magnetic medallions, ionic bracelets and moronic ads - 10/04/10

• When every day's a new day, sort of - 09/27/10

• Cars, czars and aliens - 09/20/10

• Lost in thought, or just catatonic? - 09/13/10

• How your average dog thinks - 09/06/10

• Keyboards — keys to success - 08/30/10

• Science marches — er, oozes — on - 08/23/10

• Husband hits retaining all on aisle 7 - 08/16/10

• Now, on a sad note (possibly B-flat) ... - 08/09/10

• Thar she blows! And blows ... and blows - 08/02/10

• Internet etiquette from the Mannerly Man Institute - 07/26/10

• Hot enough for you? If not, head north - 07/19/10

• A duck by any other name ... - 07/12/10

• Alabamer Grammar Revisited - 07/05/10

• A cloud of dust and a hearty "Hi Yo Sanders!" - 06/28/10

 • The melodious, odious ode - 06/21/10

• Yet more ideas we could do without - 06/14/10

• An honest journalist answers his critics - 06/07/10

• Where theological discussions get you - 05/31/10

• Blind jackasses and elephants - 05/24/10

• Straw men - 05/17/10f

• A league of their own ... sort of - 05/10/10

• The lightning bug - 05/03/10

• Hurry up and celebrate April before it's gone - 04/26/10

• More Alabamer Grammar - 04/19/10

• Ear-rational, ear-itating ears - 04/12/10

• If your rituals aren't working for you, borrow one of ours - 04/05/10

• Dumb and dumber - 03/29/10

• The Mother Goosed generation - 03/22/10

• Sewer, sewer, get your mind out of the gutter - 03/15/10

• Alabamer grammar - 03/08/10

• Flush, Felix! Use your salad fork, Spot! - 03/01/10

• Stare deeply into Dr. Garfield's eyes, but watch out for furballs - 02/22/10

• Moldy memories from the Internet bookshelves - 02/15/10

• Facebook follies - 02/08/10

• Decorate your burrows, the big day is almost here - 02/01/10

• Discount dream merchants - 01/25/10

• More inspiration from the Mannerly Man Team - 01/18/10

• Gaze deeply into the mirror and cluck - 01/11/10

• Hear Sum Mower Fun Net Eeks Four Ewe - 01/04/10

2009

• Flying Chihuahua tales - 12/28/09

• There's no business like snow business - 12/21/09

• A week's worth of very special holidays - 12/14/09

• Unlocking the mysteries of science - 12/07/09

• Christmas shopping and the surprise element - 11/30/09

• Thanksgiving thoughts - 11/23/09

• Bargain holiday gifts from the Grammar Workshop - 11/16/09

• Answering your questions at the Grammar Workshop - 11/09/09

• Next to godliness - 11/02/09

• When things aren't always what they seem - 10/26/09

• Interpreting the Wiki-column - 10/19/09

• Milk Duds and premonitions - 10/12/09

• In the meantime she might want to keep an eye on her canary - 10/05/09

• More metaphors, jut phor phun - 09/28/09

• Fall orientation at the Gaylesville Mannerly Man campus - 09/21/09

• When great minds meet - 09/14/09

• Tomatology - 09/07/09

• Statistics, health care and zombies - 08/31/09

• WARNING: This is not a shameless product endorsement - 08/24/09

• The Gulf Coast, irony and the human spirit - 08/17/09

• Lightning and lightning bugs - 08/10/09

• When prohibition is doomed to fail - 08/03/09

• Grammar rears her ugly head again - 07/27/09

• Birthday thoughts - 07/20/09

• Eclectic by any other name - 07/13/09

• Michigan on a budget - 07/06/09

• Barack becomes a no-fly zone - 06/29/09

• Jokecraft 101 - 06/22/09

• The frugal father - 6/15/09

• The more things change, the more they don't - 06/08/09

• Mr. Mannerly Man resurfaces - 06/01/09

• Advice for seniors - 05/25/09

• Frankly my dear, I don't give a — BOOM, BOOM, DE-BOOM! - 05/18/09

• Did you say swine flew? - 05/11/09

• Keeping our filthy paws out of those silky drawers - 05/04/09

• More (or less) essential grammar - 04/27/09

• Don't put all your eggs and babies in one basket - 04/20/09

• April 15: When worlds collide! - 04/13/09

• Please forward this to seven very special people - 04/06/09

• Bull Sprott and tall tales - 03/30/09

• Try not to step in the Ooby Dooby - 03/23/09

• No hair, even less dignity - 03/16/09

• Creeping incrementalism and other modern maladies - 03/09/09

• Cracks, crocodiles, pink panties and pork - 03/02/09

• National Pastime Quiz - 02/23/09

• The Sanders Grammar Stimulus Package - 02/16/09

• Everything you ever wanted to know about hospitals, and more - 02/09/09

• Fat viruses and other scapegoats - 02/02/09

• Where deep thought gets you - 01/26/09

• Not catfish, SEA KITTENS! - 01/19/09

• Old Ad Infinitum - 01/12/09

• Do we really need Oh Happy Day Coconut Sapphire-scented underwear? - 01/05/09

2008

• Mr. Mannerly Man assembles his team - 12/22/08

• You dream what you eat - 12/15/08

• When a little information is just a little too much - 12/08/08

• Worms of mass destruction and other health issues - 12/01/08

• Thanksgiving gobbledygook - 11/24/08

• Great Expectations - 11/17/08

• The return of Mr. Mannerly Man - 11/10/08

• Suppressing the vote - 11/03/08

• Something else to avoid this Halloween - 10/27/08

• Things that either did happen, or should have happened, on Oct. 20 - 10/20/08

• Not just another Grammar Bailout - 10/13/08

• Easy to follow instructions included - 10/06/08

• More about Brevity being the Soul of Wit - 09/29/08

• Adult Attention Deficit Disorder and reading - 09/22/08

• Well, bless my socks! - 09/15/08

• Good grammar is like good goat cheese - 09/08/08

• Words to live by ... or not, as the case may be - 09/01/08

• Back to the Barber Museum - 08/25/08

• Revealing the truth behind the headlines - 08/18/08

• The book of Lamentations revisited - 08/11/08

• People whisperer - 08/04/08

• Grammar games - 07/28/08

• Suspect AMS? Maybe your crustacean tubes are blocked - 07/21/08

• Minds in sync ... sort of - 07/14/08

• Where Road Apples came from - 07/07/08

• Yet another verbal ledge - 06/30/08

• Gas pains - 06/23/08

• Going to a rally? Pack some extra Charmin! - 06/16/08

• Monkey business in Dayton - 06/09/08

• Bad Housekeeping Seal of Approval: The torch is passed - 06/02/08

• More advice from the Mannerly Man Institute - 05/26/08

• Good grammar at bargain prices - 05/19/08

• Losing the connubial numbers game - 05/12/08

• A tale of two mothers - 05/05/08

• She's got a chicken to ride, but she don't care - 04/28/08

• So beam me up. Scotty! - 04/21/08

• Ask Mr. Mannerly Man, installment No. 83 - 04/14/08

• When none of the news is fit to print - 04/07/08

• Baggage handlers, snake handlers, and fire extinguishers - 03/31/08

• Hope is the thing with feathers. Hope and chickens and ... - 03/24/08

• Passing another painful Blarney Stone - 03/17/08

• Plummeting from the Verbal Ledge again - 03/10/08

• Better reading material = more patient patients - 03/03/08

• Degrees of advanced foolishness - 02/25/08

• Presidents Day Q & A - 02/18/08

• When your GPS cops an attitude - 02/11/08

• Sometimes women feel our pain, and sometimes they enjoy it - 02/04/08

• Speak, Rover, but keep it straight and to the point - 01/28/08

• She keeps files - 01/21/08

• Guaranteed non-political grammar - 01/14/08

• Bowled over - 01/07/08

2007

• If it weren't for bad news we'd have no news at all - 12/31/07

• Lightening your load in the New Year - 12/24/07

• Christmas Q and A - 12/17/07

• What chimpanzees, college students and art critics have in common - 12/10/07

• Old folks' toys - 12/03/07

• Humorous or not humorous? 11/26/07

• Thanksgiving tips from the Mannerly Man Institute - 11/19/07

• When we say move on down the road, we mean MOOOOVE! - 11/12/07

• A technological xenophobe looks at planned obsolescence - 11/05/07

• They laughed at Mr. Popeil's Squirrel-O-Matic, too! - 10/29/07

• Road construction ahead, watch for verbal ledge - 10/22/07

• Why, we're shocked! - 10/15/07

• On the other hand, they do clean up after themselves - 10/08/07

• Weiss Lake toast: Here's mud in your eye! - 10/01/07

• Don't believe everything you read - 09/24/07

• Well, butter my armpit and call me a hamster - 09/17/07

• Where newsbabes come from - 09/10/07

• More Q and A from the Mannerly Man Institute - 09/04/07

• The doctor will see you in a moment, he's using the litter box right now - 08/27/07

• Turn the volume down, we can't hear ourselves celebrating - 08/20/07

• Teetering on the verbal ledge - 08/13/07

• Sex, lies and psychology - 08/06/07

• Give me another 60 years and I'll have it all figured out - 07/30/07

• That was the week that was - 07/23/07

• Ooh look, they're playing Pin the Tail on Ned in conference room No. 2 - 07/16/07

• The truth about babies lying in their cribs - 07/09/07

• Answering the mail - 07/02/07

• Alli Oops and Rock 'n' Roll - 06/25/07

• Mastering the new Name Game - 06/18/07

• Back to the future again - 06/11/07

• Being more or less specific, sort of - 06/04/07

• Root canals will require a more generous love offering - 05/28/07

• Enjoy our vacation? Don't ask! - 05/21/07

• Research from the Sanders Zinc Shampoo Foundation - 05/14/07

• Entertaining Mom - 05/07/07

• Maybe it's not easy being green, but it's sure entertaining - 04/30/07

• Shakespeare in the dark - 04/23/07

• No more bikes. And this time I really mean it! - 04/16/07

• People different from us - 04/09/07

• How your kid can improve his test score without breaking a sweat - 04/02/07

• Q & A from the Mannerly Man Institute - 03/26/07

• Conspiracy of silence - 03/19/07

• Walk and chew gum? You bet your asteroid! - 03/12/07

• Inconvenient Ben and his French Connection - 03/05/07

• Oh, go Google yourself! - 02/26/07

• Is your cat a creative genius or just an average hairball? - 02/19/07

• Avoiding Valentine's Day hazards - 02/12/07

• Californians open a whole new can of worms - 02/05/07

• FREE? It must be good. - 01/29/07

• Gator bait - 01/22/07

• Low-calorie food for thought - 01/15/07

• Dan*lin* from the verbal ledge - 01/08/07

• 2006: The year in review - 01/01/07

2006

• That's a wrap - 12/25/06

• Global warming or just more hot air? - 12/18/06

• Please have snow and mistletoe, and bacon on the tree - 12/11/06

• Psychobabble, or just girl talk? - 12/04/06

• Some thoughts about dying in church - 11/27/06

• Remember old Whatshisname? Me either. - 11/20/06

• Low-tech couple in a high-tech vehicle - 11/13/06

• National Bad Poetry and Politics Week - 11/06/06

• BOINK! Your anti-virus subscription has -- BOINK! -- expired! - 10/30/06

• Or the kids could just sit around making sheep noises at recess - 10/23/06

• The plots thicken - 10/16/06

• Columbus Day monkey business - 10/09/06

• Hair today, gone tomorrow - 10/02/06

• Cooking for the regular guy (or irregular, as the case may be) - 09/25/06

• Itsy bitsy homicidal spider, climbing up my snout - 09/18/06

• Hola, amigos! Was ist los? 09/11/06

• Short people of the world, stand up! (if you aren't, already) - 09/04/06

• At least cows know when to shut up - 08/28/06

• Where research gets you - 08/21/06

• Five steps to telling better jokes - 08/14/06

• Leaping lizards, Sandy, it's a jumping rat - 08/07/06

• Fully reconditioned intelligence report - 07/31/06

• Diversionary strategies - 07/24/06

• A small particle of brain - 07/17/06

• Life, liberty and the pursuit of trivia - 07/10/06

• Independence Hall -- the nation's birthing room - 07/03/06

• The family vacation as a learning experience - 06/26/06

• Gettin' jiggy wid the language - 06/19/06

• Amen ... KAAPOW! - 06/12/06

• Looking for Classical Gas? Try the Internet - 06/05/06

• De Soto fell here - 05/29/06

• Helpful tips from the Sanders Department of Deportment - 05/22/06

• Things that would really get my goat, if I had one - 05/15/06

• Bugged by fashion - 05/08/06

• At least he didn't have to worry about his toupee blowing off - 05/01/06

• FAQ we are asked really frequently about lawn maintenance - 04/24/06

• Pharmaceutical Phoolishness - 04/17/06

• Prize-winning journalist strikes out again - 04/10/06

• Waste is a terrible things to waste - 04/03/06

• To talk with a real person, press "0" and hold until cyberspace freezes over - 03/27/06

• If your cow's on grass, don't put her behind the wheel of a dump truck - 03/20/06

• Welcome sweet Springtime, we greet thee with turtles - 03/13/06

• Back by popular demand -- sort of - 03/06/06

• A statistical analysis of why statisticians go mad - 02/27/06

• Beware -- We have a dauchshund, and she's loaded - 02/20/06

• Wet chickens, chewing gum and other things that stick to your trousers - 02/13/06

• Sometimes women feel our pain, and sometimes they enjoy it - 02/06/06

• Examining art - 01/30/06

• Green ham and eggs - 01/23/06

• What's a metaphor? Sometimes it's just phor phun - 01/16/06

• When two heads are not necessarily better than one - 01/09/06

• Parlez Vous Scanneur? - 01/02/06

2005

• How about some 'Hoppin' John' and a noggin of Wassail to go? - 12/26/05

• Don we now our gay sombreros, fa-la-la? - 12/19/05

• A dozen unsteady steps toward the best Medicare drug plan for you - 12/12/05

• Chilly Willy and the power of suggestion - 12/05/05

• Looking for the perfect Christmas gift? How about a hairpin? - 11/28/05

• In my expert opinion, we've got too many experts - 11/21/05

• Hoo aboot a little respect for our northern neighbors, eh? - 11/14/05

• Hugh and Lou's non-gender specific guide to humor - 11/07/05

• With a wife like mine, Stephen King would still be composing greeting cards - 10/31/05

• Off on a wing and a prayer - 10/24/05

• Grammar R Us - 10/17/05

• I'm not Bob England -- I checked my yearbook - 10/10/05

• Is your hospital listed on the National Do Not Coo Registry? - 10/03/05

• Rating 'The Life Pathetic' - 09/26/05

• And according to Tom Sawyer, they also cure warts - 09/12/05

• Dancing in the dark - 09/05/05

• You think you're sick? - 08/29/05

• Literary immortality on a budget - 08/22/05

• Shopping and the formidable XX chromosome - 08/15/05

• Husbands facing the thrift threat - 08/08/05

• Don't believe everything you read - 08/01/05